Today's Horoscope

Follow-through isn't just for golf. But you knew that already, at least when it comes to work. You might find that follow-through makes all the difference in love too. There's certainly not a whole lot of resistance on their part (they might even be downright into you). So make sure to let them know you're still interested, and you could see a whole lot change. You might not even need to say anything -- sometimes you'll find that a single, powerful stroke is the best follow-through out there.

One week. Well, six months and one week. That's what it took to be able to see what this friendship/relationship with Charles could actually be. Its a good start.

"Friends with benefits? That's not what I want."

"Me neither," I replied. "That would just cheapen everything we had together before that was good. But I prefer friends with potential."

I borrowed that line from Say Anything, one of my all-time favorite movies.


I received a comment from a very dear friend (hey, Steve!) that maybe this story isn't just mine to tell, and I think he's right. So I'll end the details here.

But know that my eyes are more open and I'm still as stubborn as ever. You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take the Jersey out of the girl.

Figuring this out

"I would have brought flowers, but I thought you'd like ice cream better."

He knows the way to my heart is through my stomach.

The Sixth Sense

I see people. They don't know they're dead.

You know in The Sixth Sense when the ending is revealed and Bruce Willis learns that he's dead and suddenly you can see the entire move from a different point of view?

Him: Meet me at 42nd Street Oyster Bar at 6:30.

I was sitting at the bar, drinking a glass of wine as I waited.

Him: where r u?
Me: I'm the cute girl at the bar

I watched him walk over to me in his motorcycle jacket, smile on his face and sparkle in his eye.

"You look really pretty. Shall we go get our table?"

We had dinner here several times. Before.

We talked about our day, laughing and joking. I helped him retrieve a lost contact lens hiding in his eyelid. It was fun, and light.

But then we got to talking about the day I left.

"You came in so angry with your mind already set. You looked at me hard and cold and said 'What do you have to say to me?' and tore around grabbing your stuff and slamming the door. If you had just stopped to let me talk, I would have said that I thought we just needed a break while I sorted the mess of my life out. Not break up."

Oh. My. God.

And suddenly everything I thought was true was just flipped over, upside down, sitting in a ditch on the side of the road.

Yes, I went to his house with a 'fuck you' look in my eye. I was guarded and vicious and I wanted to get my things and get out before he saw me completely break down.

"You didn't even cry. You were just a cold-hearted bitch (I'm sorry, this sounds harsh, but this is what I thought then) who didn't even give me a chance."

My eyes widened with this new realization and they started to fill with tears. I saw the last six months through his eyes. It was bad.

"I just learned something new today. I had no idea. I was so angry and so hurt. And now I feel so small and incredibly stupid", I gulped out.

"If I didn't know you, I'd think you were lying."

So there it was. All this time I thought he was getting rid of me. And all this time he thought I left him behind.

Later that night I was on the phone with him. He told me, "I remember you said that it was easier for you to communicate with words than with your voice. So write me an email."

I don't even know how to start.

All this time I saw only what I thought was the truth, but it turns out I was blinded by some stupid sense of pride.

When you told me about [the ex-wife's] demands I was furious! I understand when you said that you weren't going to take any chances with your kids. I never doubted that. But it didn't stop me from feeling any less rejected.Then I thought of other things you said in passing "I could never understand anyone who doesn't pray", "I don't have a dance partner", and I wondered if you were also using this as the way for you to get me out, not only of your house, but of your life. Because maybe you were starting to see that I wasn't the one you were looking for.

When you moved me into my apartment, I was hurting. I know you were helping me, but it also felt like you were getting rid of me. After you left, I sat on the floor and sobbed because I felt so completely alone. I left you the key to my apartment. I tried to invite you to come swimming, or to even help me break in my new bed, but your denials felt like a brush off. So when not even a week had passed and you sent me the text 'we have to talk' I thought it was just the final blow. I went to your house expecting the worst.

As I walked up to the front door I saw your wooden box, the one where we kept all our sex stuff, drying out on the stairs. I saw that as your way of clearing out the garbage because you saw that we didn't need that anymore. I knocked and didn't get any answer. I didn't want to use my key because I was already now feeling like a trespasser. Instead I went to the garage and loaded my things into the car.

When you finally opened the door for me I felt a chill from you. You went back into your room to put on some pants, and closed the door behind you. Like I was a stranger. That was when my guard came up, I put on my tough act and thought that if you didn't want me anymore, then I wasnt going be a fool and beg you to not to let me go. That's when I said to you, 'what is it that you want to tell me?' Because I wanted you to just come out and say it. You didn't want me. Instead you said 'you know we haven't been getting along these last few weeks..."

Are you kidding me?! In my head I was screaming, "I'm being forced to leave my home with you, I've had to adjust to a new life, in a new state, with a man who I was still getting to know, trying to figure out how to be a couple, a cook, a parent. I was without my family, barely any friends. I was fucking stressed!! I didn't know what I was doing and I obviously wasn't doing all that great a job." But in that moment all I could think was "it doesn't matter. Save yourself. Just go."

But all you saw was that emotional wall and you kept your distance. And all I saw was you keeping your distance because you were done with me. And that is where we unraveled.

In my heartbroken insanity, when you said it was both you and Chrissy that wanted me to move out, I thought that you had come up with this plan together to help you remove me from your life. And that was why I thought you were a coward.

So six months go by and all this time you're thinking I'm a cold-hearted bitch that took any excuse to run, and to me you were that asshole who hatched a plan with his ex-wife to get rid of me.

If only I hadn't moved right in with you, how could things have been different? I could have been able to become my own person down here and create my new circle of friends and found things that were important for me to be involved in without having to be so dependent on you. I think I asked a lot of you at a time when you were already stretched between work, kids, Grandma and your mom. I don't think I made things any easier for you as being someone else who needed something from you. If we had a chance to get to know each other, to date each other -- not from the two extremes of going 500 miles apart to being 5 feet apart. If we had that chance, I might be rolling over to kiss you good night instead of sending you an email.

And that is my biggest regret.

I got back in touch with you not because I wanted to get back together, because remember, in my mind you didn't want me. I contacted you because I wanted us to be friends. I loved you too much to let you remain a stranger to me. But now I know the huge, stupid mistake I made by putting up that emotional wall and making assumptions and exactly what that cost me. And it sucks. And I am so sorry.

-C

My life is a Taylor Swift song

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die
But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

Do I get royalties everytime this is used?

The Official WTF?!? Face ©

A new chapter

Him: Hey,what are you doing this evening? I have to be in Raleigh by 7 and done there by 9, want to hang out?

I think it's safe to say that we're on our way to becoming friends.

My "I am loving my life despite the crap we went through" email didn't derail the friendship process. In fact I think it opened the doors to be able to talk calmly and openly about the shit that went down.

Him: I thought we would work past this and keep seeing each other. Nope, it didn't work out that way. I felt confused and angry because you dropped me, however I do understand that you felt the same way. And I do care about you, and yes I love you.

My evening started with a great massage at a little hole-in-the-wall spa in town. Faith, my masseuse was awesome. She worked out my knots between my shoulder blades, loosened my hamstrings and hips and the scalp massage turned me into butter.

"Be careful driving home," she warned. She wasn't kidding. I was so relaxed, so fuzzy, so chill. I needed a shower to wash off the yummy smelling oils and it was already after 8pm. I texted Charles that I was way too relaxed to leave my house so he'd have to come over if he wanted to hang.

In my head, I was planning the first thing I would say to break the ice. "Wanna just have sex to get that tension out of the way?"

Turns out I didn't need so say that because when he showed up, there wasn't any tension. Except when he said how fat Barry got. I told Barry to bite him again.

You know what? Him being in my apartment, surrounded by my things, sitting on my couch was pretty cool.

"It probably wasn't a good idea for me to move in with you when I came down," I started with. "That was way too much change to get used to."

He thought for a second. "We made the best decision we could with the information we had available to us."

We had a good talk. It wasn't all that deep or accusatory. It was like dissecting a movie that we just saw in the theater. Almost as if it wasn't our own lives we were talking about.

"If you had one last thing to say to me, what would it be?"

I thought about it for a second. "I have to thank you for getting me here. I came for you, but I stayed for me. I like it here. I think its where I needed to be."

"Yeah, I think everything happens for a reason. But come on, you're smart. I know you had a plan up your sleeve even before you sold your house. " Sometimes he's more insightful than I give him credit for.

"How about you? What have you been waiting six months to tell me?"

"Hmm. I'm gonna need more time to think about this."

After about 10 minutes passed I asked again.

"I'm really sorry about the way we broke up. We were both so angry and you tore out of the driveway. I didn't expect to hear from you ever again. Then you called me a coward..."

"Yeah. I didn't expect that to happen. I thought when I moved out that it would actually be better. But then I got your 'we have to talk' text and I thought 'fuuuuuck'. I knew."

We hung out on the couch, filling each other in on the last six months. He could hardly believe that it had been that long. "Yes, it's six months. I just signed a new lease."

"Can friends hug", he asked me.

Yes, apparently we can.

I laid in his arms on the couch for a long time. It was comfortable. But you know what? It was just a hug. I didn't feel the urge to rip off his pants and pull him into my bedroom. I was happy to just lay there for a little while, and when he left, that was fine. It was what I wanted.

And that's a good thing.

Valentine's Night

The rest of my afternoon at work after being dropped off by Charles was as productive as the hours at work I wasted in anticipation of him coming to pick me up. I did some little stuff here and there, but the majority of my time was spent thinking "now what?"

At least I had plans today. I was meeting Kelly after work for a few drinks. I got there first and ordered a Blue Moon to keep me company.

"Hey, how was your valentine's day?"

I filled her in on my last 24 hours.

"Well, that was I story I never expected to hear."

Two beers later, I collected my liquid courage and texted Charles that I wanted to come over. Right now.

Unfortunately his 13 year old daughter was home, and while any other time he'd say yes emphatically, he really didn't want to have to go into explanations with her. But he sensed that there was something on my mind that I was holding back.

You are not really saying much to me, not opening up or talking. So why do you try that now? Hell, you may feel better.

Ok. He asked for it...

Ok, here it goes.

I wanted to rip your shirt off and crawl into your arms and just pretend that the last six months never happened. I was reacquainted with the blue of your eyes and the strength of your hand as you grabbed my thigh and as I had you between my legs, I just shut my eyes and breathed you in deeply.

I had butterflies as you drove up. Even as I heard the roar of your engine, my heart flopped over. And you were damn sexy driving up all bad-ass.

I am not angry with you. Not at all.

But in this time that I've had to find my way on my own, I have been more happy and adventurous than I'd been when we were playing house.

I do want to know why I was asked to leave. But not tonight. I want you to know that when I asked you 'who asked me to leave, you or Chrissy?' and you answered 'both', that you might as well had punched me in my stomach.

I honestly don't know what happened. But I do know that whatever it was about me that made you want out, that's still there in me. It hasn't changed. In fact, I'm MORE me than I was before. Now I don't have to worry about the role I have to play while living in your house. I have my own place, with my own dog, making my own friends, living my own life and loving every part of it.

Charles, you turned my insides to mush when you told me you still love me. Because there is a part of me that loves you too.

I don't want to forget you or the intense time we had together. I loved you. It was real. I was your girl.

And I honestly mean it that I would like us to be friends. But that's where it needs to begin. As much as my body would like to jump right in where we left off, my heart wont let me. I have to be able to trust you again, and honestly that may take a long time.

All I know is that I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am, where I am, what I do and the people that I surround myself with. It would be nice if you had a place in my life as well. I would like us to get to know each other again, at a more normal pace. Not the insane timeline we had going.

Is that what you had in mind?
-c

This has been the longest 12 hours waiting for a reply.

My valentine's day

It started with an email to Charles yesterday.

I hope you and your family are doing well. I'm wishing you an early valentine's day. I would really like us to be friends.

take care-

It was just before lunch on a gorgeous Sunday as I was walking Barry in the park. The sun was shining brightly, the world was warming up and all around me people were basking in the warmth walking, flying kites, feeding the ducks.

I was having a great day, actually a great weekend, and I was on this emotional high and full of gratitude for all that I've been through and what I've become because of it.

I guess I was also a bit nostalgic for Valentine's Day approaching.

He replied quickly. (I've fixed all the spelling mistakes because it just drives me crazy.)

Thank you! My friends are here for me, through sickness in my family, through death, and even battles with ex-wife over the last four months. However, my acquaintances are just fly-by-night kind of people. I guess I could call them friends, but my real friends don't walk away and leave me when I most need them. But it's a nice gesture to say you want to be my friend, thank you. Which friend would you like to be?

Me:

I don't want to be 'just that girl you used to know'. I'd like to be someone you can call a friend, not an acquaintance. But I think we'd have to define that together.

This was getting interesting...

I told him I was in the park soaking up the sun with Barry and if he wanted to come join me, that would be fine. He was meeting with a Realtor shortly so he couldn't come meet me but,

There's so much I wanted to share with you but, I don't even know if you care.

The email conversations went on through the day. He said that he would love to see me. So plans were made for him to come over for pizza and we'd talk this out.

Plans changed and 7 pm turned into 7:45 which turned into 9pm, which turned into nothing at all. And the emails seems to take a weird turn.

Him: So why are you getting in touch with me now?
Me: I was thinking of you recently and didn't want there to be bad blood between us. I really wanted us to friends.
Him: What changed your mind? I have not heard anything from you, so really why?
Me: I have no hidden agenda. I had long stopped being upset and hoped you did too.

Bedtime quickly approached and I had a bunch of pizza to put away. I wasn't angry, or depressed or even let down. I was just absorbing the absurdity of it.

Morning came and Barry licked my nose as his valentine's day kiss.

Feeling good, I put on my new blazer, bright pink tank top, a cute scarf, a pair of jeans and my black leather boots. I looked cute. And it was going to be almost 70 F today. The day was lookng up.

At work, I had email waiting for me.

Happy Valentines day. So do you have any planes tonight like a romantic dinner for two or just hot sex on the sofa. haha. so what are you doing?

I had convinced him to come pick me up on the Harley for lunch. I drove home to get my helmet.

Him: Hell just take the rest of the day off and we can play
Me: One step at a time, cowboy.

I heard the roar of the bike's engine before I saw him. He looked pretty bad-ass driving up on his motorcycle wearing his black leather jacket.

I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. I was a mess of butterflies and calm. I gave him a hug hopped on the back and held on.

We rode for a little bit. I gripped him with my legs and held on to the pockets in his jacket. I leaned my chin on his left shoulder, partly to block the wind and party because it just felt familiar. We got a quick bite at a chinese restaurant and ate outside.

Our discussion wasn't deep or ventured anywhere into the territory of "what the hell happened to us six months ago?". It was light and surface skimming, how's the family, how's the kids, how's work.

It was strange, but not uncomfortable. More like a deja vu. We rode back with his hand reached back on my knee as I held on behind him.

When Charles finally brought me back to work after lunch he asked me if I had plans tonight. I actually have plans with girlfriends even though they were loosely defined. He said that if I finish early enough, he'd like to see me.

"It was really nice seeing you. It was pretty bad-ass of you to come pick me up at work on the bike. Thank you."

And as I turned to walk away he told me. "I still love you, you know."

Dammit. I still loved him too.

2010 in review

I don't know where the time goes. Weeks fly by faster than I thought possible.

This has been a tremendous year for me. I changed fairly static portions of my life and now I feel like I'm actually living.

Which may be part of the reason that I'm not writing. It does make me sad a little to let the days pass and moments that I would normally record for posterity are being slowly forgotten.

But here are some moments of 2010 that are saved forever for the world to see.

2010 Christmas Card

This year's Christmas card!

Oh What Fun Christmas 5x7 folded card

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Today's Horoscope

Have you thought about becoming some sort of advisor or mentor to someone? If you haven't, you should -- and today would be a good day to investigate how to get involved in something like that. It could be as formal as a teaching position or as informal as just showing a friend how to do something in their home. What's important here is that you spend some time sharing a skill or talent of yours with someone else -- it's a great way to connect with the rest of the people you see every day.

This is a very fitting horoscope, especially as I'm already an advisor to members and alumnae advisors for my sorority, Alpha Xi Delta.

Yeay.

First Snow

Saturday night, Raleigh got hit with its first snowfall. Granted, it was just a dusting, but it was pretty. And the best part was that it was gone the next day.

It's a far cry from the crap I used to get back home.

What? I can't hear you.

It happens every workday morning. More often on Monday mornings. That whole "What did you do this weekend" question that ultimately lasts for 90 minutes.

Working in a cube farm I hear all the conversations. And for the most part, I don't care. At least I don't care at 9am.

My most productive time of the day is the early morning. I am active, alert, creative and I want to be able to throw myself into my work and get things done. But if you look at me after 2 pm, then I am procrastinating as if it was my life goal.

I love to chat about bullshit, but I would prefer it to happen at a less productive time for me, like lunch or late afternoon. Instead I have to be the anti-social asshole with my headphones on; drowning out the morning conversations of tv shows, kids, pets, remodeling projects, day trips and bouts of gastrointestinal issues.

On second thought, I might just leave my headphones on all day.

I can work from home up to two days per week. And I know that when I can wake up at 7am and log on in my pajamas, I can work for 6 hours with no distractions and get a lot done. But even though my team is on the west coast and I don't interact with them too much even when I'm in the office, I do miss the social atmosphere of having colleagues nearby. Interspersed among the rambling of nonsense, I might hear a gem of information that I could actually learn from.

I wish I could just put a door in my cube, or maybe a shower curtain. When it's closed, it could be the cue to "do not disturb". But when it's open its a screaming invitation to distract me.

Barry mouse hunting

Barry is doing what he loves, hunting for field mice.

Things I Like: My Nook

There are a lot of stupid things on tv. The only show that I will stop my life and turn on the tv for is Glee. Yes, I am a gleek and I'm not ashamed to say it.

I've traded in a lot of tv time for reading. And I was holding out on an e-reader for a while. I thought I would miss the tactile-ness (is that a word), and the smell of books. But one day when I was home in NJ, I decided I wanted an e-reader. Like right now.

So I mapped the distance for Target and Barnes & Noble. B&N was closer so I drove the 3 miles to get the Nook. I have to say, I love it.

There are some books that I will just have to have a hardcopy for, but for casual reading, e-books suit me just fine.

I've been catching up on some literary classics that I never read in school. I just finished Oliver Twist and I have a bunch more free classics waiting in my queue.

I read the Oprah selection 'Freedom' by Jonathan Franzen. I can't say it changed my life like Oprah said it did to her, but it was ok.

I'm currently reading 'Half the Sky : Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide' by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. It's great, in that it angers you and stirs up the desire to want to do something to end the injustice towards women.

Next in my queue is 'The Help' by Kathryn Stockett and then the Millennium Trilogy Series books, The Girl Who Kicked the Shit Out Of People Because She's So F'n Badass. I'm interested in reading the series because the movies of them were just so awesome.

So what are you reading?

Thanksgiving Wish

As part of my yearly tradition, I sent out my Thanksgiving email:

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

It's that time of year again. When the roads, skies and rails are packed with people all trying to get back to their loved ones. And maybe if they're lucky, can get a little sumthin' sumthin' in the TSA pat down line. I am finally one of those people who have to travel hours (8 by car, to be exact) to make my way back home.

2010 has been another year of contrasts. We have seen incredible devistation with the earthquake in Haiti and have seen miracles in the rescue of the Chilean miners. We have cheered with the Olympians in Canada and recoiled in horror as the Deepwater Horizon oil rig explosion devistated our oceans.

Whether you like your tea with sugar or with Palin, Rally for Sanity, Rally for Fear or Rally for the Cure, I think we can all agree that when that turkey comes out of the oven we're all rallying for the drumstick!

This year has been one of amazing change for me. I have changed addresses, jobs, and loves. I've traded in the Garden State for the Tarheel State and I've had to defend that everyone from New Jersey is not like those clowns on Jersey Shore! But even though I hit a fork in the road, I have discovered so much more.

Thank you to the new friends I have made. Thank you to the friends who haven't forgotten me back home. And thank you for my family who make it feel like I've never left.

Before the insanity of the holidays hit you hard, take this time to stop and take a breath. If you have a roof over your head, a dollar in your pocket, a full belly and a full heart then you will never want for more.

My wish for you this Thanksgiving is to be healthy, happy and home (where ever you call home).

Love always-
Claudine

Normally the responses I got back were kind words.

Except for Charles. (Yes, he was on my email distribution list because I really don't harbor any bad feelings.) His response withing seconds of me hitting send: I'm not in the mood.

Well then. How about go fuck yourself. Are you in the mood for that?

Fucker.

Nostalgia

I was feeling nostalgic, I admit it.

I spent the weekend in the Pocono Mountains, PA with my college friends. There was enough silliness to go round, but there were moments for me to reflect on my move to North Carolina, what got me there and what's keeping me there now.

Charles, of course, popped into my head.

I was reminded of the great time we had at the mountain house. The beginning of the relationship, not the end. It made me smile.

When I arrived back to North Carolina at RDU Airport, it was the first time that I flew in without having him there eagerly waiting for me. And it was a little lonely.

So sent him a text.

I don't have any expectations. I haven't heard from him since I moved out. But he knows from a previous email that I don't have any bad feelings. (It takes so much energy to stay angry and I don't want to waste my energy that way.)

Maybe it's not so much of a bad thing. Maybe it was in the stars.

Here's my horoscope today:

You might want to call up somebody you haven't seen in a while. And if the yearning to connect with someone from your very distant past comes over you, well heck, you should do just that! Look them up and then say hello. Maybe they've got something -- a memory, an insight -- that you've been missing. Maybe you'll both just be glad to see that, yes, things change and people lose contact, but there's still some core self that remains the same and still appreciates the connection it once had with a kindred core self.

We'll see what happens.

Update:
I got a response two days later.

I'm thinking that's the polite brush off.

Barry in the wild

There is a mystery in my house.


That was finally solved.

Asheville 2010

I'm not feeling very talkative today. So instead, here's the video of what I did this weekend.

After the dentist

Look at that. I can't stay with one thing for more than 3 says. So much for the 30 days of truth.

But in other news, let it me known that I'm an idiot.

I went to the dentist yesterday to get a cavity filled. My new dentist is awesome and it was actually the best drilling experience (heh... that's what she said) I ever had.

While I was getting drilled (heh heh), I had my own personal tv screen hanging from the ceiling and a set of Bose noise-canceling headphones where I could listen to it. While bits of my teeth were flying in my mouth, I was enjoying Zoolander and Baby Mama.

When I was all done, half of my face was numb and practically paralyzed. I was laughing when rinsing out my mouth over the sink because the water just fell right out.

I was so amused by my numbness, that I thought I'd share.

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Something I have to forgive myself for?

This is a hard one because I either already forgave myself for stuff, or I don't feel like I did anything wrong where I need forgiveness.

Not to say that I'm without fault. I've got plenty. But you can paralyze yourself with things that are wrong with you, or you can say 'to hell with it' and live with it.

As a personal rule, I try not to deliberately cause others pain, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

I remember right after I graduated from college I broke up with my boyfriend of 3+ years. We had our differences: I graduated after 4 years of college, he didn't. I was president of my sorority, his great aspiration was to earn the 'silver keg' award in his fraternity. I went to class and made Dean's List my senior year. He skipped class to sleep off hangovers.

So when I was faced with the thought that I might spend the rest of my life with this person, I said hell no!

I broke up with him sitting on the swing sets in a park. I told him I loved him, but I was sick of his face and we were done. It was pretty harsh.

Classy, I know.

About a year later, I got back in touch with him. I asked him out to dinner for the sole purpose of apologizing of how I handled that situation and for hurting him. I had forgiven myself for that a long time ago -- I knew it was the right thing But I was just getting closure for me. He could have continued to hate me, but he didn't. And my soul felt lighter.

Day 02: Something you love about yourself

This is a much easier post than yesterday's.

I love that I'm not afraid to do things by myself.

It hurts my heart when people say that they can't do things on their own. Whether it be going to the movies, or have a meal at a restaurant. I happen to find it liberating.

Maybe it's because I've spent more of my life single than in a couple. Maybe because I tend to tire of people (see Day 1). But I have never let being on my own stop me from going out and explore what the world has to offer.

I especially like traveling by myself. I've toured through Europe, sailed among the ABC islands, and have taken countless road trips. I love the freedom it brings. I can do what I want, when I want. I decide when to explore and when to sit and rest. I can make friends and share memories or I can people-watch in solitude.

The best part of it all are the adventures that I have. Each wrong turn, each car breakdown, each mishap turns into a story that makes the reunion with my friends and family that much more entertaining.

I can't wait for someone to decide they want to join me. When there's something I want to see, some destination I want to visit, I go. If I was waiting for someone else, chances are I'd be waiting a long time.

And I don't want to waste my time.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Is it arrogant to say that there isn't a whole lot that I hate about myself?

I mean there are things I don't like, the number on the scale, the split ends of my hair, that one zit that keeps coming back... But hate?

I don't like how when I tire of something, even if only for a little while, I tend to shut it out. This can be for anything: a task at work that I need to do, the dishes in my sink, or even sometimes with friendships.

Hmm... let me explore that friendship thing more.

I don't think I have ever had a problem being by myself. Not really a loner, but I didn't feel that I needed to be entertained by someone all the time. Even now, I genuinely enjoy the time that I have alone, but I also enjoy time spent with friends.

But sometimes I just don't have anything so say. I don't want to make small talk about your dog, your kids, the last movie you saw or what you had for dinner. Sometimes I'm content to just sit in silence, reading my book or walking my dog. Instead of saying "I just need some alone time", I'll just shut down, turn uninterested and be quiet.

And it really has nothing to do with the other person. Not usually. But sometimes my aloofness just comes across wrong and the friendship begins to stagnate. Its happened a few times.

Then there are friends who get it, who get me. Who understand that you don't need to be in each others lives every second, every day, recounting the events of the moment. When that text, or email, phone call or visit happens, it's because I genuinely want to catch up and be a part of your life again. Not because its from a sense of obligation.

I don't really like that sometimes my sense of independence shuts me out of some people's lives. But given the alternative, that there's some need to be paid attention to all the time, I'll take what I got.

30 Days of Truth

There's an internet meme that's been going around: 30 Days of Truth.

Given that I haven't had much writing inspiration, I think I'll give this a try. I never know how long I last doing stuff. My 365 Photo project stalled in May. But still, it's something to work towards.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Saturday Night Special: Off Leash

What do you do when you have time to kill at work? Look at Awkward Family Pet Photos.
What do you do when you see this?

Laugh your ass off.

What's that noise

A mystery solved.

Drama-Free Girls Club

I have been extremely lucky to have met a group of women who's company I enjoy and where I fit in nicely.

This past weekend I spent at the beach with 10 women in one beach house. What was great is that we all got along, with no drama.

We are all, except for one, transplants to North Carolina and the group formed out of a MeetUp group whose purpose was to simply meet new people. This splinter group formed because they bonded outside the random happy hour meetup.

I think it's difficult as you get older to find good friends; those who are like minded, intelligent, independent free-thinkers.

We rented a 6-room beach house at Nags Head, NC for a few days. The house was really great: across the street from the beach, hot tub, pool and a good floor plan that allowed us to hang out together as well as find secluded places when we needed alone time.
I am so thankful for being accepted into this group. It has made my conversion as a North Carolinian much more easier.

Today's Horoscope

If you've been struggling with a relationship for a little while now, today could be a turning point. It's hard to say why something shifts between two people, but one of those tension-easing changes is poised to take place. Take a deep breath and you might even notice that the difference isn't so much in them, or in your duo's dynamic; it's more like a shift is taking place within you. So go ahead and try again with this person. You'll both be glad you did.

This comes at an interesting time. I've been thinking about Charles lately. Not that I want him back, or that I'm so angry at him, or any real heavy emotion at all. I was thinking more about the intensity we had and the fun and excitement we shared. It's that I missed. Not longingly, but just the thought of it made me smile.

So yesterday I sent him an email. Just to let him know that I don't have any ill-feelings toward him, and to thank him for bringing me out here because I really do like it here. And finally that I hoped he was doing well.

I think I sent it more for me. Sending that forgiveness out there made me feel better.

I think it's strange how quickly things, emotions can change. I don't know what shifted in him to make him want to leave me. But I knew the moment I stopped loving him -- the moment I drove out of the driveway for the last time.

Pooping in style

My bathroom, in addition to my cool-ass shower curtain, has beautiful Key West watercolor paintings, wooden frog & lizard thingys and a super-awesome metal gecko to make me smile as I'm pooping.

More like home

My photos are finally starting to be hung on the wall making my apartment feel more like my home. I still have a lot more photos of my travels to be hung, but this is a good start.

I'm a hero!

And you can be one too. Make your own superhero avatar!

Hungover Owls

Owls are cute. Hungover owls are even cuter.

This is my new favorite site.

Hungover Owls

Labor Day Weekend

I had a great Labor Day weekend here in Raleigh. It was full of activities that made me appreciate all that I have around me.

Friday was First Friday in Raleigh. It's an art celebration on the first Friday of each month. I love it because not only to art galleries participate, but local businesses turn into galleries as well to showcase local artists as well as their products. I picked up a cute necklace and wore it proudly the rest of the evening.

Among the cobblestone streets of Moore Square you can also find musical artists to entertain you. This band had the crowd dancing in the streets, myself included.



Saturday afternoon I joined a MeetUp group to go horseback riding at Dead Broke Farm in northwest Raleigh. There was a group of 12 people, some who hadn't rode a horse in 15 years (like me) and others who never rode a horse at all.

It was a slow trail ride. Quite boring actually, with all the stopping and starting. I was getting annoyed by two newbies who had no idea what they were doing. One woman kept screaming practically every time her horse moved. She sucked. Then this other guy -- this very large man on an equally large horse -- tried to reason with his horse when it wandered into the woods. "Why must you go into the woods?" I thought that if he actually held the reigns and steered his horse he'd get better results.

My horse, Keeper was a sweetie. Except that he/she (?) kept turning its head to nibble on my foot. I wasn't sure if it liked me or hated me.

There were a few cool people in the group. Afterward we went to a local bar for some beers and burgers. A good way to end off the afternoon.

Sunday was mainly spent running errands, but I hung out with new friends that night. We ate pitas and hummus and drank wine on the deck in Durham while we watched the dogs run around. I did not bring Barry. He's kind of an ass and I wasn't in the mood to babysit my dog.

Monday was the best day of all. The weather was gorgeous. Just right for a baseball game. Since I came to North Carolina, I knew I had to go see a Durham Bulls game. Bull Durham is one of my favorite movies and I needed to go and pay homage.

The ballpark was beautiful and my seats were right behind first base, a few levels up. It was a long game -- about 3 hours. But the Bulls finally won 6-5 in the 12th inning.

A great end to a great day to an even greater weekend.

A clean dog

Maybe I'm not the only one who likes my shower curtain. Barry seems to have taken a liking to it, too.

I don't know what's so appealing about sitting in the bathtub for him.

But it's obviously something he enjoys.

My new place

It has been two weeks since my fairy tale ended and I moved into my new apartment.

I swear to God, I think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm not sad, and I'm not even angry anymore at Charles. Honestly, I feel a lot of...nothing. I may have come to North Carolina for Charles, but I'm staying for me.

Image by bearclau via FlickrMy apartment is slowly coming together. I finally get to make the place I'm living in my own. That was one of the problems with moving into Charles' house. It was still very much his and there wasn't a lot of 'me' represented. It wasn't until my last week there that I actually got a space carved out for me, which was my own desk and bookshelf. That's now with me.

The first thing I got was this fun and bright shower curtain and matching yellow and green towels. This just screams FUN to me and it makes me smile every time I come into my bathroom. (My bathroom, by the way. One that I don't have to share with people who don't believe in hanging up towels after a shower.)

Image by bearclau via FlickrMy kitchen is much smaller than my townhouse and storage is limited. So I guess it's a good thing that I got rid of most of my stuff before I moved down here. (insert sarcasm). However, for reasons I can't explain, my 6 foot surfboard, that I never use, has traveled with me since I first moved out of my parents' house when I was 25 years old.

That surfboard now has a new home above my kitchen cabinets. I like it.

Let's not forget the pool! AND I have a gym -- which I actually go to.
Yes, life definitely does not suck.

A new me

It's official, I'm now a citizen of North Carolina.

This is actually my second NC drivers license. You know, because the first one had an address that I no longer live at.

But that's ok because I like where I am now. A lot!

Landing on my feet

Let your natural smarts and intuition be your guide today, especially when dealing with relationships. For the next few days, you can see more deeply beneath the surface to what's happening on another level, which gives you a kind of sixth sense when observing personal interactions. With this kind of thinking, you can open your mind and strengthen your bonds. It's a great opportunity, so seize it! -- today's horoscope

Even in the strangest of circumstances, I have always had the ability to turn things around and ultimately land on my feet. However, right now I'm dealing with my world turning upside-down and I really hope those feline instincts kick in.

On my 37th birthday, just 3 months ago, I put my house in New Jersey on the market to move to North Carolina. I was going to live with my boyfriend, an amazing man who I met a month and a half earlier on vacation and who I thought would be 'the one'.

Last week I was asked to move out. According to him, his ex-wife was threatening to sue for custody of the kids because living in sin was not a good environment. In three days, I had found an apartment, signed a lease, and moved in. I had thought that this was a good thing. I truly believed that going from long-distance relationship to living together was just too much of a strain and that by me having my own place, we could go back to dating and being normal.

It's never good when you get a text saying 'we have to talk'.

I went to his house and knocked on the door. I still had a key, but I thought that would be rude to let myself in. When he didn't answer right away, I cleared out the remaining things I had in the garage. When he did finally answer the door, I got the last of my things from the hall closet. When I had it all gathered, I turned to him.

"What? What do you have to tell me?"

"I think its pretty obvious. We haven't been getting along to well these last few days."

Um, you think it could be because you made me leave??

There was so much I wanted to yell and scream. But really, what's the point. If he didn't want to be with me, then I wasn't going to beg.

"So who really kicked me out? You or [her]?"

"Both."

Ouch.

So I learned what a coward he really is.

And I can pick myself up, turn this around, and continue on with my adventure. Because that's what life is really about, right?

Thrown under the bus

I get my own apartment tomorrow. Not because I want to, but because I was made to. It sucks having your life turned upside down unexpectedly.

But on the plus side, I get a sweet pool with the apartment, free cable/HBO, washer/dryer, gym. And Barry comes to live with me!!

Today's Horoscope

Take time for yourself by putting your life on hold. Walk around the park, stare at the sky and otherwise refresh your senses with the parts of life that really matter. Sunshine and open space are vital for you now. The peace can help you ponder everything that's going on in your life. Once you feel centered, you're better able to take on the challenges that come later.

Timely advice right now. I feel like I've been engrossed in a world of cooking, cleaning, and working. I'm beginning to wonder who this person is whose skin I'm living in.

The fairy tale has been bombarded with real-life: kids and bills. It takes some adjusting and sometimes its hard to keep up.

But at least I know that my Prince Charming is right here with me.

First light

I've been awake for over 90 minutes but I only got out of bed 20 minutes ago. I watched the sky begin to lighten through the window blinds and I felt my mind become more awake. The only noise was the big, fat, North Carolina-sized raindrops smacking against the roof.

I slinked out of bed, grabbed my laptop, made some coffee and found a spot in the back family room. A cushy spot on the comfy leather sofa.

Charles was soundly sleeping in bed. His daughter and her friend were curled up in her room, probably sleeping only a few hours after an evening of texting.

In the solitude I can enjoy this peacefulness. Take advantage of some 'me time'. Not think about the laundry that needs to be put away or what to make for dinner. I can read my book; sip my coffee. Maybe if I'm feeling particurally energetic, I'll do some stretches and meditative breaths.

But for right now I think the best move is to not move at all. To just listen to the rhythm of the raindrops and breathe.

Morning ritual

When I get into work, I usually like to take 30 minutes to ease into the environment. This involves logging into my computer, reading work email, reading personal email, catching up on my RSS feeds and CNN, checking in with Facebook and Twitter and maybe getting something to drink.

I will do my pleasant "good mornings" to my cube-neighbors, but I basically want to take my time and get into my day. I want to enjoy the semi-solitude that comes with being a contractor.

But my new friend seems to have a different approach in the morning. Today, I hadn't even put my bag down on my counter when I start to get the update on her project, her last conference call, how the client is crazy and now once tight deadlines are flexible as they decide to add additional content into her project and basically introduce scope creep.

Ugh. I would like to say "it's not my problem. And actually, it's not your's either. Let your PM handle the client", but I don't. Instead I listen with half an ear and go about my morning ritual, offering comments where I can but secretly hoping that she'll notice that I'm preoccupied at the moment and let me take a breather.

I can only hope.

Today's Horoscope

If you can't get enough, don't worry -- it looks like your supply is unlimited! In fact, with such huge piles of fun and thrills available, you ought to put out a general notice to your people to come on out and join in. No one can get a party going quite like you, and right now, that talent is cranked up to eleven by your hard-partying energy. Get the word out by any means necessary.

I am so happy about this horoscope. This weekend my college friend Kristen and her whole family will be coming to visit me in NC. She is in the middle of a crazy international road trip (they crossed over into Canada) and will be stopping in Raleigh on their way back home to Houston.

Kristen, with her husband and 2 daughters, will be my first visitors here and I am so excited! I can't wait to hear all about their road trip adventures and introduce her to Charles and see my new home. I'm most looking forward to chilling on the screened-in porch, chatting over beers as we watch the sunset over the pond. I imagine the guys will be in the garage, checking out the Harley and talking shit. And I'm sure the girls will be exploring around the pond.

I'm already relaxed just thinking about it.

Home sweet home

I am only a few days from closing on the sale of my house. The process has been really smooth and so far (knock on wood) everything is on track to happen on time. I will breathe a big sigh of relief when the check is in my hand and I can deposit it in the bank.

With the profit, I will be able to be completely debt free. I will feel a million pounds lighter.

Charles wants to get on this bandwagon too, so we've been talking about selling his home and looking for a new place of our own together. As much as I love the land that his home is on, I can't help but be excited about this too.

The first step is putting the house in our names. Yes, I said our names. The title is currently in his mother's name and with some events that took place in his family's lives lately, he feels its important to officially take his mom's name off the title. So we will buy the home for the remainder of what is owed on the mortgage, which is substantially less than what the house is worth.

Then we need to get a Realtor to check out the home to get a sense of what the market value would be. This is going to allow us to figure out what the price range for our new house will be.

Last night we were checking out homes online to see what's available in certain areas. We were getting so excited that we decided to drive out to one of them to check out the neighborhood. We learned quickly that neighborhoods and subdivisions change significantly from one block to the next. And a pretty home isn't all that pretty in the long run when you have a crappy trailer park around the corner.

So the search is on, for a Realtor, for an area to focus on, for a price range. We know what we want: 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, large open kitchen, less than 10 years old, 1 acre of land, preferably a porch. The home is out there. We just need to find it.

Its funny when it's not me

I am not a fan of Sarah Palin, her politics, her lifestyle or much else about her.

But I think its supremely shitty when your teenage daughter announces her engagement through a gossip magazine rather than to you. And you have to respond via a public statement to the media.

I mean really, what kind of fucked up family do you need to have?

Strong like bull

My new job has a very casual work environment. It's not uncommon to see people stroll by in t-shirts, shorts and flip flops. I don't think I could ever go that casual, but nice to know that its at least an option.

Another perk about working here is free access to the gym. Even as a contractor I can use it. Which is great because I need to do something. Charles is pretty fit, and while he makes me feel like a sexy rockstar, I know the reality.

So yesterday I went to the gym for my initial fitness assessment. I was poked and prodded by Allison, this cute little pixie originally from Alabama. I hopped on the scale (I reminded Allison to allow 10 pounds for shoes), I was pinched with the body fat calipers, I had my blood pressure and heart rate measured. Then I did 3 minutes of step-ups and had my heart rate measured again. Finally I did as many pushups as I could (25), as many crunches that I can do in one minute (47) and a flexibility test.



So I am 'strong like bull', but I need work everywhere else.

My goals will be to exercise regularly on the treadmill, elliptical or bicycle. At least 30 minutes for 3 days a week. Another goal is to cook more at home. I have been doing a lot of fast-food/restaurant eating. While its been convenient and enjoyable, it hasn't been doing much for my ass.


On the plus side, I do have some pretty strong muscles hiding under my layer of 28% body fat. I think I just need to remind them how to work and hopefully they can start pulling their weight again (har de har).

Biker chick

Charles came home with a new toy the other day. His pretty little Harley Davidson 2010 Dyna something-or-other. I don't have to really know what it is. It's black, shiny and looks really damn sweet.

We went riding among the windy, and wooded back roads that gave way to open fields, farm houses and bright red barns. I held on to Charles' hips and had to try to keep my mouth closed from smiling too hard. Don't want the extra protein of a bug flying in my mouth.

I'm still getting used to riding. He needs to put a backrest on for me so I won't feel like I'll slide off, and I need a more comfortable seat so my butt doesn't break, but it's a pretty cool feeling holding on to Charles and feeling the wind and the world rush by.

I could get used to this.

Financial crisis

It's been a rough year, financially. When I ended my contract gig and got hired full-time earlier this year I knew there would be a decrease in take-home pay. But I didn't realize that I would actually be losing money by working full-time.

Well, that full-time gig is over and I'm back to doing contract work again. To me, there is no real difference. I still get benefits. I still get direct deposit. I still report directly to my client/manager. I still do a job.

For the first time in about a month, I will finally be getting a paycheck again. I can't wait.

I've been living off credit cards and my checking account. I even had to dip into my money market account. But I haven't been starving and I even had a chance to get some vacation time in.

But I'm ready to see those red lines disappear and get myself back into the green. And with the sale of my house pending (knock on wood, cross your fingers, say a little prayer), all those nagging debt monsters can finally disappear.

August 1st is the start of my new financial freedom.

Let freedom ring.

New work home

I've been at my new job for 3 days. It doesn't suck. It actually has potential.

More to come...

The big move

It's official. I'm now in North Carolina.

This weekend was the final packing. I drove back to NJ Friday just in time for a party down in Manasquan at my friend's shore house. Beers, fireworks and a chill time.

The next two days was filled with activities of emptying out my house before closing at the end of the month. I don't want to have to come back up to NJ quickly to do any rush stuff, so to keep everyone's sanity, I decided to rent a storage unit and lock up whatever I didn't need immediately. This saved my parent's and me the hassle of carting stuff back to their basement, and saved Charles and I the stress of a weekend of driving, packing and driving. Now with my items safely stored, I can concentrate on my new job and my new life.