A battle against ivy

It's been a few days since the closing and it's only in brief moments where the realization sets in that I bought a house!

I spent the weekend clearing out the overgrowth of ivy and the three years worth of leaves that have built up along the house.

At first glance, those hedges on the right look full and lush. But that would be a lie. It was intertwined with ivy and suffocating underneath. 

There was about 1.5 feet of decaying leaves behind the hedges and thorny tendrils of ivy. 

As I reached my hand among the branches I kept praying that I wouldn't see a face of any creature staring back at me.

After many hours I cleared out all the crap.

All that's left now looks like a barren wasteland. But what is left are branches that are alive and have leaves on them. I'm hoping that they will actually bloom and come back to life.

I even cleared out the side yard of the evil ivy.

Since this area gets full sun, I think I can see some sunflowers planted there.

Here is the result of my hard work. Actually, that's not all of it. I need more bags. And a permit to get my yard waste picked up.

Oh, home ownership. We will have a bi-polar relationship.

Today's Horoscope

The hottest thing in your life right now sure isn't the weather, and it's not your love life. No, all the heat's being generated from the fresh ideas brimming from your head! So grab some paper, pens, crayons, a video camera -- whatever you feel like using to dig out your ideas. Songs, poems, stories, even silly 'to do' lists are all valid forms of expression right now. Unearthing what's deep inside of you is your biggest challenge today.

Damn right, its definitely not my love life. But, really, that's ok. My head is full of creative stuff. Too much it feels like. I'm about to explode.

Not a Moleskin

I haven't written with any sense of consistency online or in my journal. I just haven't really felt it. But I did feel bad about it.

I think my old journal had some bad mojo. So I got rid of it even though I wasn't even half way through writing in it.

My new journal is an Ecosystem journal. I like the color and I like that it's made from recycled material.

I hope that it has good vibes.

Noticing the little things

I think I may be on to something.

It's ok to allow someone to do something for you, even when you're fully capable of doing it yourself.

My car needs to be inspected before I renew the registration. I've never done it before in North Carolina, so I wasn't sure if I could just take it anywhere, or if I had to bring it into a DMV location like I have to in NJ. So I asked Charles about it.

He offered to take my car in to get inspected while I was away this weekend. (He's also taking me to and from the airport.).

I had intended to bring my car in to get inspected during lunch today. I could take it to pretty much any Jiffy Lube or mom-and-pop auto store. But when he offered I saw something more than a kindly offer. I saw him saying "I want to take care of you."

If I had said , "no worries. I can do it" it would have been seen as more than don't go through the trouble. I would have rejected his offer of taking care of me.

But by agreeing, and recognizing how nice it is of him to do that, its the same as me saying, "I want us to be partners again."

Small steps, I know. But I'm noticing the small things that I would have otherwise overlooked.

Yet another workplace rant

I know I'm an asshole work. I've come to terms with it. Most of the time I try to curb my asshole tendencies and try to be more open to the needs of other people. It doesn't always work.

It's not often when I get really invested in a project and very passionate about what I'm delivering. In the training world, there is a science to preparing content so it can be absorbed by a learner. So there are deliberate approaches that I take to help with content delivery.

Now I know, in the grand scheme of things, what I do for a living is not life-changing. Ultimately someone is paying me to do a specific task. My 'expert opinion' may or may not be desired. And that can often change in mid-project. But yesterday was one of those days where I wanted to win an argument. I wanted to be correct, but I knew the end result would only screw me.

The debate wasn't even with my client, but with the account manager. I had displayed some questions that were going to be asked to the class in a different way from the 'standard template'. When questioned, I provided my reasons; that the delivery of this particular session did not fit what that 'standard template' would provide and gave reasons and examples.

Turns out it didn't matter.

From the account rep:

If you do not have time to do this or don’t agree, then that is fine. We will make the adjustments ourselves and provide to [the client]. 

Which is basically a "fuck you, we're going to change it to what we want anyway, with or without you.

HULK SMASH!!

So I shut up and made the stupid change that the account rep wanted. And I was fuming!

And then I wondered why? Why am I letting something so minor as this bother me?

I don't like people telling me what to do. Especially when I don't agree with them. That's a given.

But I especially hate it when this 'advice' comes from right field. Where their only reason is 'because this is how we do it'. Where higher order thinking is discarded and robot action takes over.

I had a massage scheduled last night. After the day, I was so looking forward to just relaxing and letting the stress of that one conversation melt away. Didn't really work because damn if I wasn't getting pissed off all over again thinking about it.

Don't get me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

I'm sailing! I'm a sailor

I've always wanted to learn how to sail. So when the "I've Always Wanted To..." meetup group offered a sailing lesson, I signed up immediately.

Saturday at noon, the class started at Lake Johnson in Raleigh.  There were 8 of us in the 6 hour class. Our instructor was Margaret, a 77 year old woman who had been sailing and teaching it since she was 17. So with 50+ years of being on the water, she was a firecracker.

We learned on Sunfish sailboats, a cute little boat that skims easily across the water.

There's nothing quite like catching the wind in your sail and taking off. One hand on the tiller and one hand on the line holding the sail taut. I was a sailor!



I will definitely be doing this again.

Smart Cookie

I love it when even I actually believe that I know what I'm talking about with clients at work. And I sound all authoritative and make the client do some action items.

Power corrupts.

Today's Horoscope

It's admirable that you're so willing to work with others to get things done -- your teamwork ethic is to be applauded. However, today you realize that if you want something, you might need to elbow your way to the front of the line to get it. It's not about putting yourself ahead of others -- it's about knowing when to grab control and make things happen. No one is going to seek you out and hand things to you on a silver platter (even though you deserve it). Work for what you want. 

Its interesting that this is my horoscope today. Because I'm still feeling lie there's something I need to do, to get started, and that there's something or someone that's holding me back from my full potential. 

It's a little discouraging.

Lead, follow or get out of my way

When I really get into a project, I like to take it with both hands and run with it. In my head I see the big picture and all the little steps it will take to get me there. My advice to people around me is to just get out of my way.

I have no problem asking for help when I need it, and sometimes a gentle reminder that there are others waiting to be given something to do will encourage me to spread the wealth. But what I hate are those who second guess or hold up my progress.

I have been very excited about some personal projects that I've been working on. In one, I have full creative license for all the marketing and social media exposure. I love it.

In the other, I'm on a much shorter chain. And I don't love it. It discourages me because again I see the big picture of how my efforts are all to increase exposure for my organization, bring in members and improve communications among our members. And I don't want to wait for others to get in my way. When I'm on a roll, I want to just GO!

These brakes are just holding me down.

Replay: 5/19/06

Here's a post from almost exactly 6 years ago. 

ouch!

I have just witnessed that speaking solely for the sake of speaking doesn't necissarily make you look like you know what you're talking about. Sometimes silence shows wisdom.

When the client says to me straight out in a meeting, "I trust you.", over the business managers on both project teams, it means a lot. If I was my manager, I would have taken that harshly.

Master Class

Yesterday was the last episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show. I didn't watch it and I don't have DVR. But I hope it exists somewhere online.

Instead I watched the Master Class series by Oprah and many of the things she said resonated with me.

"I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
-William Ernest Henley

She talked about the poem 'Invictus' and the last two lines talked to me. When I had done what others expected of me, it never really felt genuine. But when I do what my gut tells me to do, I feel complete. Sometimes it makes me feel powerful, and other times it makes me feel like I'm being selfish or insensitive.

But last week my mom filled me in on some family gossip about how family member going through a divorce and moving away. She was so overwhelmed and felt helpless because she never really had do do anything on her own. She had always lived with her parents, and at 64, continues to do so.

After this drama story my mom was proud of me that I never had to really lean on her and my dad for support. She was glad that I was independent and able to take care of myself. Especially with the drama of moving here, leaving Charles and building my own life, I could feel how thankful she was that she raised someone who could stand on her own feet and not break down when times got hard.

There is no luck without you being prepared to handle that moment of opportunity. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for the moment that is to come." — Oprah 

I have always lived with the notion that I wouldn't change anything that had happened in my life. Every thing led me here and made me who I am. And I like who I am.  I have often felt like a floating feather, just waiting to see where the breeze will take me. It's in those floating moments is when I question "what do I want to do with my life? What direction will I go?" And when I land, it's normally on something good. Or at least something that I can learn from. And then another breeze will come and take me away again.

Lately I feel that I have more control over the direction the breeze takes me. I don't know if its from age, or experience or from finally starting to listen to the voice inside me. But it's an interesting feeling.

"I say the universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers. And a whisper in your life usually feels like 'hmm, that's odd.' Or, 'hmm, that doesn't make any sense.' Or, 'hmm, is that right?' It's that subtle. And if you don't pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder. I say it's like getting thumped upside the head. If you don't pay attention to that, it's like getting a brick upside your head. You don't pay attention to that—the brick wall falls down. That is the pattern that I see in my life and so many other people's lives. And so, I ask people, 'What are the whispers? What's whispering to you now?'" — Oprah

 I've been wondering about my purpose. I know that I'm good at looking at the big picture and breaking it down into manageable chunks.I can translate complex ideas into simple concepts. And I can share those ideas clearly. This is why I enjoy the work I do as an instructional designer. I can be creative and use my problem solving skills and create something tangible that can be useful to someone else.

There is something bigger for me out there, something I'm supposed to immerse myself in. Not because I have to, but because it is something I want to do. I'm starting to discover what that might be. I might be standing right on the edge of it, or I might only be starting on the path to take me there, but I know it's out there and that I'm finally pointing in the right direction.

Today's Horoscope

Skip the staid, business side of things today. Instead, focus on the creative aspects of your life. Listening to music, cooking up an ambitious meal or even dancing around your bedroom is a great way to liven up the day and improve your mood. Creating something new is easier than ever, so don't be surprised if a tune pops into your head and refuses to leave, or if your mindless doodling results in some breathtaking images. All your inner ideas are itching to come out. 

I'm loving this horoscope today because I already know it's true.

I haven't been very inspired at work recently because I haven't had a chance to use my creativity. But I have been getting my creative fix in other ways.

I just created a new website for my alumnae association.

And I'm very excited to be helping my friend launch her new business by working on her website and social media marketing plan.

This feels really great to do. Feels like I'm fulfilling my purpose, something I think I've been lacking for quite a while.

Birthday Weekend

What a year it has been!

Just one year ago, I was signing away my home to move 500 miles away and live with a man I had just met.

This year I celebrated my 38th birthday among friends in a new place that I love. The changes are vast, but nothing that I would have any differently.

Saturday, my old friend and college sister threw a party for me and her husband. We were born on the same day. I shared cupcakes with her two boys.

Well, her three boys, I guess.

Then the adults came and we had plenty of burgers, beers and various other treats that made me go off my diet for the day.

The next morning, after a breakfast of birthday cake and coffee, I got ready for celebration number two.

I got to spend time with my new Carolina friends at a brunch. It was a multi-celebration. Kim got her degree, my birthday and Katie is launching her own cooking class/catering business.

I am keenly aware at how blessed I truly am.

Proof: I'm annoying

Apparently I'm pretty average on being picky and arrogant, but I can get pretty irritating.

Yes, I'd say that was accurate.

I am an asshole, you know.

Spam-tastic

I've been ranting a lot lately. If not here, then I've been tormenting a friend with the nonsense that drives me up a wall.

Today's rant is about email spam from co-workers.

For some reason, some of the unfunny people in my company thinks its he-la-er-us to send an email using the department alias address with some stupid little inside joke.

I get it. I determine its stupid. I delete it.

Then within the next 3 minutes, I get about 15 audio chimes indicating that I have new mail. Every single one is a reply to all with asinine things like:

lol.

hahahha

No, but she thought she was!

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

OH MY GOD!!!

I get it that they're trying to create some fun environment even though the group is split between east coast and west coast (east coast, represent!) But I don't care!

I've written about a hundred responses with "STOP SPAMMING THIS ADDRESS WITH YOUR STUPIDITY!". But I stopped myself and just hit delete each time. Not because I'm nice, because I've already confessed to being an asshole.

I stop because I would just be replicating the exact behavior that I abhor.

And I'm better than that. Actually, I'm better than all of them. (insert snarkiness)


Update:

I couldn't help myself. I caved in and sent my own response:

Pina Colada Cake

I was inspired by Cinco de Mayo.

It was my turn to host the monthly Bunko party last night. It was May 4th, and had I been clever enough, I would have done a Star Wars theme. But I flaked and took the easy way out and celebrated the Mexican St. Patrick's Day of Cinco de Mayo.

Really, the only difference between the two is that we drink margaritas and eat tacos rather than drink green beer and corned beef and hash.


I worked from home that day so I could scrub my toilet, whisk up the dog hair all over my couch, do some grocery shopping, cooking and baking of my newly invented dessert, my pina colada cake.

I'm sure I really didn't invent this. It was just coconut cake mix with vanilla icing. Coconut shreds were sprinkled on top and topped with pineapple slices and cherries. But it was so damn good that I was worried that it might not make it to the party without an obvious chunk of it missing.

This ain't no movie

I woke up this morning and checked Facebook and read update upon update about the death of Osama bin Laden. I didn't really have much of a reaction.

Meh.

Don't get me wrong, he's a bad guy. But I don't really see how his death will really make a difference.

There were video of people in the streets, wearing US flags and cheering "USA, USA" as if they were just a part of the covert military operation of the Navy Seals to bring Osama down. People were declaring this an historic moment and justice served.

But is is really?

Loved ones are still gone. Many more innocents were taken. And the removal of one person who is only part of the cancerous terrorist groups will not make much of a dent, in my opinion. There will still be extremism and fighting, death and destruction and all the cheering and singing in the world won't stop it.

I'd like to think that this Hollywood-style kiss-assery will bring about a happy ending, but that only happens in the movies. The credits don't roll, the story continues on. This united American patriotism will last only as long as the next proposed healthcare budget, and those that struggle every day just to find shelter and food for their families will continue to do so.

So while this may be a big deal to some, to me its just another day.

Bored

I'm bored.

It's strange to say considering I have my job, my social groups, my friends and playing softball. Plus I can always entertain myself.

But here I am sitting at work and nothing is inspiring me. I'm just sitting around thinking, 'is that all? Ok, what's next?'

And I'm not really just talking about my job. I think it's the bigger picture. Defining my life purpose and what-not.

I have ideas and some things that I'd like to peruse, but I fear that taking the initiative and running with it may step on a few toes. Toes of people that I like and would hate to disappoint.

I've had this feeling before -- the feeling that I'm a feather floating on the wind just waiting to see where I wind up next. In any case, I'm sure this means that an interesting story is bound to come out of it.

Shut up

I was forced to take last week off from work. My company had a mandatory furlough for all contractors. It was a nice week off. I got to see family and friends back home, I played softball, I went to a friend's BBQ and I enjoyed the beautiful weather here in NC.

Coming back to work this week is bittersweet. While I enjoy the paycheck very much, I had to deal with the incessant talking again.I actually had to ask a coworker to please continue their conversation somewhere else because my headphones don't go high enough to drown them out.

I'm an asshole, I know. But this is the same person who throws a fit when people walk past on their way to the conference room talking loudly. The only difference with them, is that they keep walking and eventually go away.

Sigh.

A rant: Too Much Talking people

There really are all kinds of people. But the kind of people I want to talk rant about today are those who don't know how to shut the fuck up.

Personally, I am more of a listener. When I'm in settings with new people, or not yet part of the established 'group', I often sit back and listen to the volley of conversation. I'll participate when I have something helpful to contribute or if I want to ask a follow up question, but mostly I observe.

Its just that I don't like to waste words.

Even at work, and especially during meetings, I get to the point. It may not be socially acceptable thing to gloss past the niceties, but honestly I don't care about the weather somewhere else, what color you're painting your power room or if your toddler can go a night without wetting the bed.

So in social settings, with people I consider friends, it pains me to listen to endless lectures about them. (And it is a lecture and not a discussion, because they leave no room for anyone else's opinion.)

There are stories that I've heard a million times (and they weren't that interesting the first time around), stories that are completely opposite to what I believe in (that I often bite my tongue because I often think 'is it worth it?'), to stories that make me look smarter just by saying nothing.

The worst part is that the people I'm thinking about aren't bad people. I would even like to think that they may be one of the ones to come to my aid should I need it. But these are people who can only be taken in small doses. Like alcohol.

A little once in a while can make for an entertaining evening. But constant binges leads to headaches, nausea, and sometimes emotional/physical outbursts that are best left to the cast of Jersey Shore.