Tuesday, December 12, 2006


I have to remind myself that I'm at work, where it's not appropriate to let out a loud, long butt-cheek trembling fart.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

she'll learn

My new coworker, the young one who "really knows her stuff", doesn't slack on the job. Ever. It's a little un-nerving.

I have a lot of different things slowly loading up on my to-do list. And I'm also behind on my homework for school. And yet I will still waste time on MySpace, reading my horoscope, reading blogs, catching up on my news.

The whole time I can her J typing away on her keyboard, writing the storyboards for the three courses she is assigned to, asking intelligent questions and having the perfect phone demeanor to the clients she is working with.

I can't wait for the day until she gets as uncaring and jaded as the rest of us here.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


I'm feeling pretty stupid at work lately. Like right now. And the only thing I can do to combat this stupidity is to stare blankly at the document I'm supposed to be writing -- or blog.

I'm going to grad school online to get a masters degree in instructional design. What's that you ask? I didn't know until I came into this training department. Basically, an instructional designer develops training (courses) that are optimized for learning.

Why am I doing this? Well, I was hired in the training department to do administrative stuff. Pretty boring. I quickly branched out to teach myself how to use Flash and other tools that were used for developing training courses. I also watched what the instructional designers were doing and thought "Hey, I can do that". And in a moment of spontaneity, I enrolled in an online program to get my masters. It was a good thing, too because the workload had slowed and my manager needed to cut some staff. I stayed because I was able to expand my skill set.

So now I'm doing project management work for the development of a course for the SOX-404 Compliance Process. There has been a huge turnover in the people assigned to my project, so when I lost one of the instructional designers, I volunteered to write one of the sections of the course.

At the time I thought it was a brilliant idea. I would be applying exactly what I was learning in my grad school courses. But the real world rarely mirrors what is taught in school.

The content of the course I'm writing is dull. Financial information always is. I've lost the initial excitement and now I feel stuck. A new instructional designer joined the team last week and she is young, pretty and really knows her stuff. She is grasping the content and knows the route she wants to take to develop interesting and successful material.

I sit staring at the computer going back and forth over using "but" or "however".

I hate my job. I need a new career. Maybe a face-painter at traveling circuses.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

l'optomist ├ęternel

I took a much needed road trip to Montreal this weekend. I went with Josee, my now unemployed ex-coworker. She used to live there and was craving a get away. I had been there last year and wanted to go back and see it as a local.

I took off work on Friday and we did the 8 hour drive straight North in the pouring rain.

As I drove through the Adirondacks, the leaves were at their color peak. Even against a gray, dreary sky they popped.

"Wow! Look how beautiful the trees are!"

Josee never even looked up from her Marie Clare magazine. "Ugh. I've seen enough foilage in my lifetime."

Talk about being cynical.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

a plea for inspiration

It’s been months since I’ve written anything. Even my journal has been feeling neglected lately. I don’t know why I’ve stopped writing, but I feel guilty about it every time I see my journal sitting on the dining room table while I lay sloth-like on the couch watching tv.

I write to let out mixed emotions. I think that putting them on a page helps me to sort them out. I write so I can remember moments. I write so I can leave a history of my life to future generations. I write so my brain doesn’t rot.

But I keep finding excuses to not write. I have nothing important to say. I left my journal downstairs. I’d rather read another chapter of my book. Barry needs to be walked. House is on TV.

I write when I feel like my life is in some sort of emotional deluge; when I am romantically confused, financially troubled, spiritually empty. But right now I feel neither of these, and the moments where I should have written my thoughts down are gone. To try an recreate those moments just to put pen to paper would come out fake and impersonal.

I hope to find the inspiration to write again. My soul depends on it.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Like he hasn't left

Multimedia message, originally uploaded by bearclau.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Say Cheese

Multimedia message, originally uploaded by bearclau.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Just another day at work

Multimedia message, originally uploaded by bearclau.

Thursday, May 11, 2006


Multimedia message, originally uploaded by bearclau.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Bitter Tears

If there was any time to wish for rain all weekend, this would be the one.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Barry Cottontail

Barry Cottontail, originally uploaded by bearclau.

Saturday, April 08, 2006


Dope, originally uploaded by bearclau.


Thursday, April 06, 2006

Girls Night Out

, originally uploaded by bearclau.

How much is that naked man in the window

, originally uploaded by bearclau.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Boyrfriend shopping

Why is it that the freaks find me?

Here is an actual email from someone off of Match.com. I have editied NOTHING:

I am micheal from kansas , i am a machine electrical engineer i have something in come on,...Honest, caring, loyal, and respectfull., i dont like to hurt someone's feeling and i will not like to be hurted also. i love to make one happy and cool. i think you are nice and good to know more of you maybe someday we can meet and know our self in person , i really need a nice one to spend the rest of my life time and be happy with somene that will be honest and real with me and no game playing . i will be very glad to hear from you.......

i love to meet u ,i love ur photo so much,When I look into your eyes, it seems all the problems in the world go away and I'm floating in mid-air,When I see you, the world stops as if the only purpose in life was for me to please you.I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go. really want to meet u, and you really look sweet to me like a river that flows through the windows of a barchelor.


Um, yeah. I'm thinking the prison he's in allows for internet time.

Saturday, March 25, 2006


I don't know if I'm ready or not, but I'm doing this online dating thing again. Or at least I subscribed to Match.com. I haven't done any actual dating yet.

So many of my coworkers use Match.com and from what I hear they have received countless contacts and one person in particular had gone out on a bunch of dates - all in one day. What I can't figure out is: where are all my winks and emails? Not only on Match.com, but on eHarmony, Chemistry.com, Yahoo personals... why aren't I bombarded by the freaks and weirdos, with the occasional good-looking sweetheart thrown in. I'm not hideous and I think I'm a pretty cool chick. I think my profile comes across that way, too.

Maybe the cosmic forces are doing a hell of a screening job for me. Maybe they're looking for the person that I wished for.

But then, I wished for Pete...

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Pete the Pig

, originally uploaded by bearclau.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

daily mantra

As much as I want to ask all my questions, I have to remind myself that it just doesn't matter. He didn't choose me.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Angry Lepreachun

, originally uploaded by bearclau.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

dorothy vs. the cowardly lion

Today's horoscope:

It's time to plot your own course instead of feeling like you're a victim of circumstance. You need to realize you have much more influence on events than you previously thought. Make your actions count.

So Pete's answer to that three month old question "What's going on?" is still "I don't really know." No surprise. The whole drive to his place I kept repeating to myself "He's staying with Sarah," so that when he actually said it, it woudn't be that much of a shock. I don't understand. I asked him if he was happy and he hesitated before answering. That shouldn't be a question that you have to hesitate before answering, should you?

So I'm sad, but more for him. He lacks the courage to step up and do what's right for him.

Where does that leave me? Deflated. Short-changed. But a little smarter because now I know even more what I'm capable of in an (almost) perfect relationship and more aware of what I really need from someone else.

In other news, within one hour I was contacted by two recuriters to see what I'm up to. One of them is from a company that I was dying to belong to last year. They are very close to me, have a great reputation and from what I've seen, a great working environment. I'm not sure if I want to stay as an internet project manager. I think I want to see this instructional designer career change out some more. (I am enrollen in my masters for it.) But it won't hurt to update my resume and see what they have to offer.

Here's to making my actions count.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

A Pooping Story

I am a public pooper.

However, I will try not to expose any innocent bystanders with offensive sounds and smells. I'm considerate like that. I normally try camoflauge techniques -- my favorite one is waiting for a neighbor to flush the toilet and I release all my contents at the same time. The flushing hides the sounds of splashing.

Today, luck was not on my side.

I felt that familiar urge sitting at my desk and casually walked quickly to the bathroom. Both end stalls were occupied leaving the center one for me. I sat and waited for my cue, but one of those little buggers pulled a fast one and made a run for the border. Damn! It was sneaky and evasive, making hardly a sound, but it left a trail of vapors. I, being so close to the finish line, was treated to the smell and I wondered if it penetrated the stall walls yet.

Before I could send silent prayers of condolense to my neighbors, I heard the shuffle of feet to my left. The warning bell indicated that the flush was soon to follow. I was in position -- feet firmly planted, suit jacket hoisted high up my back to avoid any backsplash. When the FOOSH of the toilet started, I relaxed my body and let gravity take over. But to my horror, a fart escaped! I was made!

My eyes widened and I was thankful that no one knew that it was me crouched in my semi-private world. Then the silent giggles started. My shoulders started to shake and I had to hold my mardi gras beads to keep them from tinkeling and giving me away. By this time the flushing had finished and I lost my opportunity to mask my offense.

I took a quick look under the stall to my right and recognized the shoes as those belonging to my co-worker. I decided I couldn't take the chance of another escaping noise or smell, so I waited it out.

Finally, as the bathroom door slowly closed on her exit I was alone to do what was required of me. Five pounds lighter, I washed my hands, fluffed my hair and re-entered the work floor carrying the secret of the Phantom Fart.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

thinking out loud

One of the perils of waking up early, especially when you live alone, is figuring out how to spend your waking hours.

Barry woke me up at 5:30 to pee, then again at 6:30 to eat and again at 7:30 to poop. There was no way to fall back asleep after that. We laid in bed together for a little while. I read my book and Barry stretched out on top of me, his little fuzz head resting on my chest with his expressive eyes looking brightly at me. "Are we going for a walk?", he seemed to say. Barry has these wonderful brown eyes that look as if they're rimmed with black eyeliner. I read a few chapters, I grew tired of laying in bed. The outside thermometer said 20 degrees. There would be no walk today.

For the next 20 minutes I entertained myself, and Barry, by playing hide and seek. He'srun downstairs and when I'd hear the click-clck-click of his toenals on the wood floor, I'd run and hide behind a door or a bed and wait for Barry to huff and puff around looking for me. I made such a fuss when he found me.

Now it's almost 9:00 and I'm making a mental list of the things I want to accomplish today. Get shelf brackets and hang shelves, check out the new library, dust. Sounds exciting. Maybe I'll go out to Starbucks just to sit among strangers and write in my journal while drinking hot chocolate. Maybe I'm becoming a recluse. I'm lonely, but don't want to be bothered trying to entertain friends.

My scuba classes are over until the first weekend of June where I take my open water dive for my final certification. My master's classes don't start until next week. It's cold outside and my psyche desperately needs the warmth of spring. Peter comes back tomorrow after a week in Cuba. I miss him less than I noticed him not being around. I wonder if that means that my optimism is fading. Or I'm getting used to him not being around.

I've been thinking about Peter a lot this week. More like I've across things that reminded me of him. I finished a book where the main character lives in Toronto, I went to see a movie that he had seen recently, I drove through Princeton, and he did send me an email from vacation where he said he missed me.

Oh, I feel so stale. I'm not doing nothing, but I don't feel as if I'm doing enough - with my life, that is. I'm just holding my breath for the next big adventure.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Welcome to Seattle

West coast

Thursday, February 09, 2006


The words just haven't been finding their way out on to paper or on screen. I don't know why - it's not as if I have nothing to say. Lately, when I had something on my mind, it was directly related to my relationship with Peter and I'm comfortable enough with him to tell him, whether it be good or bad.

I'm in another of those moods where I'm not quite right. Where I just don't understand him, his indecisiveness, and my desire to be with him irregardless. But I don't want to talk about him today.

Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about my trip to Seattle this weekend.

Sam, my ex-roommate is heading there for work next week. She decided to extend her stay to include the weekend before so she can explore the city, and knowing that I have never been there before, she invited me to go. All I needed to do was get there. I bought my plane ticket within minutes of her giving me the information. I so need to get the hell out of here and get a change of scenery.

I bought a Seattle guide book and devoured it cover to cover. Some must sees are the Experience Music Project, Pike Place Market, funky Freemont and of course, the Space Needle. I don't make exact plans mapping out my entire weekend, but instead just have ideas and just let whatever happen happen. I find it much more exciting that way.

I also going for my Master's degree. I work in the training department doing administrative, reporting and logistic stuff - nothing too exciting. I see the courseware developers and instructional designers and think "I can do that!". So I signed up for online classes - my first one starts next month. My manager happened to see the brochure on my desk and asked me about it. It's a good thing he saw it too, because my co-worker got laid off a few days ago because of not enough work. We did the same job, but I'm convinced that I was the one who stayed because I'm taking the initiave to take classes in ID and teach myself some of the software to do the development. To my manager, having multi-talented employees is a huge deal, so I lucked out.

Finally, and this is the coolest part, I signed up for scuba lessons. I've been saying for years that I wanted to learn. A few weeks ago I just decided to look up the dive shops, price out the classes and enroll myself. I had my first pool session last week and I loved it! But I'm a very impatient student. I just want to DO IT, to skip past the learning process and just know how to do it right the first time. I already can't wait until my final open dive for certification. I want to glide around underwater among the tropical reefs and converse with the fishies. In my daydream, I look fantastic in a wetsuit, too. Ah well.

My final open dive will probably happen at the end of May in a lake in Pennsylvania. It will probably be cold, but I don't expect a carribbean trip happening before then. I will have to wait impatiently until then. However it does make a good arguement to arrange a tropical trip for my birthday to test my new underwater skill. I'll have to look into that...

In the meantime, I have an hour and a half to kill at work. Normally I'd chat with Peter, with my razor sharp wit and saucy innuendo, but I don't even feel like doing that. If he's not up to talking about what's going on with him, then why bother? I'm really not saying it in anger, but what else can I do? I'll most likely not listen to myself and give in to what my desires want me to do, but until then I'll be mopy and watch the clock until I suit up for the pool.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Its in the stars

Today's horrorscope, which is very fitting considering the stalemate with Pete.

They would never willfully mislead you. Give them a chance to explain their side.

Sticking with the status quo is not an option, especially with your current take-no-prisoners mindset. You'd rather deal with any kind of change than what feels like your current stagnation.

Daily Flirt:
Others might get rankled by your constant questioning, but don't give up on this curiosity-fueled quest. You have a gift for insight right now, and you'd be crazy not to use it.

Daily Couples:
The balance between intelligence and emotion is difficult to achieve, but at the moment you can apply your insight to your feelings with ease -- and get some excellent results. Let your sweetie in on the process.

Daily Singles:
Romance withers when someone is disloyal. Keep that in mind if a tricky choice comes up later today. No matter how tempting something seems, ask yourself if it's really worth the unpleasant consequences.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Instant Messenger conversation

Me: Trying new B.C [birth control] - since you really want to know
Pete: Other than the patch?
Me: Yup
Pete: Pills?
Pete: Injections?
Me: No. It's called 'my guy is going on vacation with his girlfriend'
Me: Ha!
Me: now THAT'S funny!
Pete: Yeah, that is... good one
Pete: damn you

Monday, January 09, 2006

Pyramid of Pachyderms

Have I mentioned how much I like work? Not my job necessarly, but the people I work with.

We have a lot of little toys around and when it get's especially boring, we tend to play. Mark, who sits across from me arranged his pack of pink pachyderms into this pleasing pyramid.

Not to be outdone, I have my own little trinkets of the strange...

First is my dolphin grabby-thingy

Then is my frog. He normally sits on the cube wall seperating me and Peter, with the frog's ass facing him. Pete was having some 'stomach issues' the other day, so to make him feel better, I put the diaper on the frog.

Finally is my little piggy friend who sits on my monitor smiling at me.

But because his butt also points towards Peter, he gets an extra special view...

Ahh... good times!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Happy 2006!

So it's the year 2006. I ushered it in with no fanfare, no alcohol, nothing of any celebration. I had pampered myself earlier in the afternoon with a cotton blossom scented bubble bath that lasted an hour. After my fingers and toes were sufficiently pruned, I lathered on the lavender lotion and laid in bed with Barry for about another hour. I had to rest up for the big evening I had planned -- sitting on the couch watching tv.

The weather was lousy, my family was doing other things, Pete was in Toronto and I really didn't want to be around people.

I watched "The Interpreter" with Nicole Kidman, ate a chicken wrap, played with Barry. As midnight approached, I switched on Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve and was saddened at Dick's hoarse and slow speech. He's not the eternal teenager anymore.

At about 20 seconds before the ball drop, I ran upstairs to get my sleeping dog, curled up under the bed covers. He opened up his sleepy eyes and let himself be taken from his warm nest. Like a baby, I held him with his head leaning on my shoulder and together we watched the crystal ball in Times Square drop to ring in the new year. On tv crowds of people cheered and hugged and kissed their neighbors. I hugged Barry. He yawned, licked my nose, and trotted back upstairs to his spot under the covers before it got cold.

I had no resolutions for the new year. I didn't bother taking the time to reflect on the old. I just turned off the tv, blew out the candles, and followed my loyal man to bed - the one who gives me kisses all the time, keeps me warm and makes me feel like the most important person in the world.

barrys butt