thinking out loud

One of the perils of waking up early, especially when you live alone, is figuring out how to spend your waking hours.

Barry woke me up at 5:30 to pee, then again at 6:30 to eat and again at 7:30 to poop. There was no way to fall back asleep after that. We laid in bed together for a little while. I read my book and Barry stretched out on top of me, his little fuzz head resting on my chest with his expressive eyes looking brightly at me. "Are we going for a walk?", he seemed to say. Barry has these wonderful brown eyes that look as if they're rimmed with black eyeliner. I read a few chapters, I grew tired of laying in bed. The outside thermometer said 20 degrees. There would be no walk today.

For the next 20 minutes I entertained myself, and Barry, by playing hide and seek. He'srun downstairs and when I'd hear the click-clck-click of his toenals on the wood floor, I'd run and hide behind a door or a bed and wait for Barry to huff and puff around looking for me. I made such a fuss when he found me.

Now it's almost 9:00 and I'm making a mental list of the things I want to accomplish today. Get shelf brackets and hang shelves, check out the new library, dust. Sounds exciting. Maybe I'll go out to Starbucks just to sit among strangers and write in my journal while drinking hot chocolate. Maybe I'm becoming a recluse. I'm lonely, but don't want to be bothered trying to entertain friends.

My scuba classes are over until the first weekend of June where I take my open water dive for my final certification. My master's classes don't start until next week. It's cold outside and my psyche desperately needs the warmth of spring. Peter comes back tomorrow after a week in Cuba. I miss him less than I noticed him not being around. I wonder if that means that my optimism is fading. Or I'm getting used to him not being around.

I've been thinking about Peter a lot this week. More like I've across things that reminded me of him. I finished a book where the main character lives in Toronto, I went to see a movie that he had seen recently, I drove through Princeton, and he did send me an email from vacation where he said he missed me.

Oh, I feel so stale. I'm not doing nothing, but I don't feel as if I'm doing enough - with my life, that is. I'm just holding my breath for the next big adventure.