Sunday, August 28, 2005

more daydreaming

I was walking with Barry this morning, something that I’ve been doing regularily for a week, not only as a requirement for caring for my dog, but to get me exercising. We walk to the park near my house and do two laps around the walking path. I bring my iPod and listen to the random rotation of whatever songs are saved there. In between a Jack Johnson song and a Fiona Apple song, my mind started to wander.

I daydreamed of me having yet another adventure trhough Europe. I saw me flying in to Dublin, Ireland with nothing more than a backpack full of my laptop, digital camera, journal and versitle comfortable clothes. I would stay in hostels and get from place to place by train, bus or ferry. I would visit the green country side and have my meals in Irish pubs. I’d make friends with locals or other travelers and send emails of my adventures to stay out of London and explore the smaller towns along the way to the English Channel where I would take the Eurorail through France and into Italy where I would explore the amazing art in Florence, Rome, the Vatican City and down to the heel of Italy’s boot and hop over to Greece.

I’m getting distracted. I’m looking at maps of Europe and surfing women travel sites for appropriate things to wear in countries that I’m interested in.

I can imagine the blue of the waters and the white houses lining the cliffs and so much a part of me wants to throw my things in a bag right now and start this trip.

I have a tendency of packing too much. From what I read, only a few articles of clothing are necessary, and they should be lightweight cotton. A long, knee to ankle length skirt is a must. In many religious areas showing too much skin is a taboo. Don’t wear shorts, tank tops or white sneakers lest I be immediately labels as can American tourist. Long sleeve button down shirts and dark sunglasses are a must have, as are comfortable walking shoes. I know I would be walking everywhere, so this is a necessity. A large scarf which could be used for covering my head and neck in more conservative areas as well as keep off the hot sun. Leave the jewelry at home and heavy makeup is not recommended.

Oh how I want to see the world! I want to see the Turkish bazaars and the Taj Mahal. I want to see the safaris of Africa and the Australian beaches.

Once I had the idea that I could rent my house while I travel, a huge weight lifted from me. I wouldn’t need to sell my home that I love so much. Just let some other family live here for a year, paying my mortgage. Maybe I’d sell my car. I could always get another one when I get home. I’d add my mom to my bank accounts so she could pay whatever bill I get while I’m gone. I don’t even feel afraid at the thought of traveling alone. As I learned on my road trips, more opportunities seem to happen when I’m solo.

Looking around my home I see so many things that I want to clean out, pack up or just get rid of because it would lighten my load and thus make my emotional state much more calm. It would mean that I’m one step closer to making it very easy to start this journey.

So many other people have done it, so I can too. Meeting Debbie on my trip through Spain was such an inspiration to me. She did it alone, going from Ireland to Greece in about 2 months. It inspired me. This is something that I have to do.

Saturday, August 27, 2005


I just signed up for the travel writing class. I hope it's not full and that I can participate.

I also got this idea in my head. One that has me excited. If I land a contracting position for a few months, it will allow me to pay off the credit card and take care of some minor improvements around the house. Then I'll rent my house and take off for a trip around Europe or where ever the wind may take me. I'll take my laptop, camera and a backpack. It sounds so adventerous, so romantic. So... so me!

I'll have to let this fester for a while.

Friday, August 26, 2005

I will...

1. Sign up for the travel writing class on
2. Write short stories about the ridiculous events in my life and use them as the springboard for the novel that's inside of me.
3. Not back down on my salary needs or proximity to my job.
4. Continue to exercise regulary, even if it's an hour walk with my dog.
5. Love myself, even though I am in the process of improving me.
6. Make good eating choices, and not pick at crap because I'm bored.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Open letter to my friend, Skim


I haven't felt real compelled to write much lately. Go figure, I have all the time in the world right now, you know - with being unemployed and all - and I don't have the motivation to record the daily events of my unexciting life at the moment.

But your latest entry about Tommy Lee does allow me to comment. This past Sunday I went to see Motley Crue in concert at the PNC Bank Arts Center in Homdel, NJ. Musically, they rocked. Vince Neil sounded great and even though I had lawn seats, I didn't sit once. They played all the songs that I wanted to hear: "Girls, Girls, Girls", "10 Seconds to Love", and of course, the crowd sing-along, "Home Sweet Home".

I was as rock-star as I could get away with - Denim skirt, black halter top, studded belt and a black bandana wrapped around my wrist. I was definately NOT trying to copy my 14 year old dirtbag wannabe persona, but I might as well have some fun with the night.

I was having a great time although I wondered when the hell did I start getting old. I'm no prude by any means, but I found it a little disturbing when every other word out of their mouths was Fuck. "Hey you mother fukers, we're here to rock your fucking ass off! Woo hoo! Fuck yeah, New Jersey!" Then with the addition of the porno clips on the video monitors and the "titti-cam" that Tommy was in charge of during one of the breaks, I was feeling embarassed for them. Sure, they were rock stars who were notorious, but now they were middle aged dads who were still acting if they were 22 years old.

All the guys in the band were heavily made up, too. Not all glam like as in the 80's, but with heavy base makeup to hide them. Mick Mars was looking like the Grim Reaper, Nikki Sixx has this freaky red face paint made to look like a masquerade mask over his eyes and Tommy just looked like he had on a white clown face. These boys were looking old! I missed the hair and the scarves, the gloves and the leather. Sure they looked like hot women, but they could kick your ass. Hell, Nikki even died with a heroin needle in his arm and he's still banging up Fender guitars at the end of a show. Leaving the show I thought that I would have enjoyed it much more had it was 18 years ago.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005


Being a dog is so fucking easy.

Right now Barry is tearing all around the house, upstairs and down, with a plastic soda bottle crunched between his teeth. He shows no sign of stopping even though we just came back from a 45 minute walk, IN THE RAIN.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Funk You

I’ve been no stranger to rejection in my life – college applications, softball team, lovers, and financial loans. I’ve also had my share of job rejections, but the wound was torn open, a lemon wedge smashed in and salt thrown on top. If only it was a margarita I could drink away the pain.

I was just informed today that the remaining hope of a new job was given to another applicant who had more experience in the search engine optimization field and would be able to hit the ground running. But I will be kept in mind if another position opened up where they had time to train me or if they hear of a project management position from any of their colleagues. Sigh. Now it’s back to square one.

I am so filled with desperation that sometimes I have to fight to keep from crying, but sometimes I lose. Yesterday at a neighbor’s wedding I teared up, not just because it was a wedding and that’s what you do, but because I saw this girl who I used to babysit, standing there looking beautiful and so happy in her white gown, her whole life ahead of her full of possibilities. In contrast, I was alone, jobless, more flabby than I care to think about and getting more and more depressed about the future state of my financial affairs. How long could I afford to be out of work? Would I have to take a severe paycut from my previous jobs? Would I have to go back to waiting tables? Would I need to sell my house? Do I have to move back in with my parents? The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to cry.

I am lost and scared and I don’t know what I need to do. I’ve been sending out tons of resumes through Monster job boards and I think I’ve exhausted scouring the yellow pages for nearby agencies. I look for free methods of entertainment. Last Friday I went into Princeton just so I can hear the live bands that perform outside of Thomas Sweets. I visit libraries instead of buying from Barnes & Noble. I cook instead of eating out and I can’t allow myself to buy anything that isn’t absolutely necessary. The unemployment checks don’t cover my mortgage and the monthly bills so I’m forced to take out of savings and that bothers me. I know that’s what the savings account is there for, but it feels like I’m unraveling the threads of my security blanket. I can’t even enjoy the fantasy of taking off and escaping it all because the cost behind it takes away any enjoyment.

Barry has been my only comfort. He’ll lay next to me and lick my face as if to tell me that everything will be all right. He’s my main reason for waking up – so he can go out to pee. I even look forward to his walks because it means that I’ll get out of the house for some exercise and sunshine. Plus, I’m always on the lookout for a handsome man walking his dog who I can casually meet.

I need to get out of this funk. This miserable experience is affecting my mood, my health and quite possibly my chances of employment.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Just checking in

Over a month later and I'm still unemployed. It's quite discouraging and I'm really getting into a bad funk. The NYC interviews didn't work out and really, I'm relieved. I have no desire to want to work in the city. I'm still working on a job only 6 miles from my house. I've had two interviews there and I really like the place, people and the position. I really hope this works out.

When I'm not at home spending time with Barry, reading or watching tv, I've been visiting my friends and staying at their homes going to the pool and beach.

My writers block has come back and I've lost the motivation to write. Until next time...