On again, off again is now on again.

A year of self-improvement

My birthday is only a few days away.

Last year on my birthday, I put my house in New Jersey up for sale. I spent the entire year taking an exciting risk: on romance, on job, on life. Two out of three ain't bad.

This year I think I'll do another year-long kind of project. Except this time the focus will be on self-improvement. I've already started reading some books that I've found very interesting and has changed my outlook on how I communicate with others.

The next step in this self-improvement journey is getting myself healthy again. For that, I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. I don't want to go to a meeting. I like being able to just log into my management tool, either online or through my iPhone app and keep track on my points and activity. It's only day two, but I think I could make a habit of it. And I like the challenge of staying within my points. It makes me start to reevaluate whether I want that extra scoop of sugar in my coffee.

The third step that I think I'll tackle this year is defining my purpose. This will need its own post someday, but lately I've been feeling lacking a goal, something to strive for that's unrelated to work. I have ideas -- actually several -- but I'm hesitant to move forward because I'm not sure if they'll make the impact that I'm hoping for.

Turning 37 was exciting and proof of my independence. I wonder what turning 38 has in store.

A quick update

I've been quiet about how Charles and I are doing. And that's on purpose.

In a word, we're doing ok. Actually, we're doing really well. So I guess that's two words.

He's a bit of a moment of clairity that I had recently that I shared with him:

I've been acting like a know-it-all and haven't been very receptive to others opinions sometimes. But I'm realizing that learning is growing and that's a good thing. I don't want to know it all because that means that I've stopped growing. And I see that there is so much you can show me And I can learn from you.

So, it's an evolving thing. And I'm happy.

Daytona Bike Week

The School of Essential Ingredients

Cover of The School of Essential Ingredients

What did she do that made her happy? The question implied action, a conscious purpose. She did many things in a day, and many things that made her happy, but that Clare could tell, wasn't the issue. Nor the only one, Clare realized. Because in order to consciously do something that made you happy, you'd have to know who you were. Trying to figure that out these days was like fishing on a lake on a moonless night -- you had no idea what you would get.

"The School of Essential Ingredients", Erica Bauermeister

I just finished the book "The Happiness Project". I liked it so much that I bought a paperback copy for myself last night. But Charles has it right now. I let him borrow it because he was interested in it after I described it to him.

So now I'm reading a new book, "The School of Essential Ingredients" by Erica Bauermeister. I'm only 35 pages in, but it reminds me of "Chocolat" and "Like Water for Chocolate"where the food takes on magical qualities. So far, so good.

But I was especially taken aback by the paragraph above about happiness. It seems to be a recurring theme for me lately, and something that I've been taken much more to heart.

Finding happiness is an action. And something that requires constant thought. Because when you get complacent, and just 'go with the flow', you risk the chance of letting it go or taking it for granted. You need to constantly ask yourself, or remind yourself, 'what makes you happy?' and do it.  Self-sacrifice and giving into the whims of other people, if that takes you away from what truly makes you happy, will ultimately break you.

I don't want to be broken. I'm just starting to enjoy how I put myself back together. I've gotten to know myself again and I'm ready to let the world know.

But I'll start with one man.

A good morning

I know, I haven't posted anything about bike week yet. Get over it. A video is coming.

But today I had a date. A breakfast date.

We met at Panera an hour before I had to go to work for coffee and quiches. It was fun, and light and there were a lot of smiles.

And it was good.

Three second decision

Friday. 4:00 pm. The phone rings.

It's Charles.

"Hello?"

"You haven't checked your email!"

"um..."

"I'm about to ride into Daytona. You need to get on a plane and come down here."

Three second pause...

"Ok. Let me check Expedia and call you back."

"Pack light."

With barely hesitation, I was looking for flights to get me from Raleigh to Daytona that night. Because he called me and wanted me to be there. And there was nowhere else that I would rather be.

I know the things I said and the things he said. And I haven't changed my mind about how I want to spend my time doing things that I enjoy.

But in those three seconds it took me to decide I knew that we would have fun, it would be an adventure and it would make me happy. Which are generally the requirements for most crazy-ass shit that I do.

So after some searching, I booked myself on a flight the next day. I'd be in Daytona Saturday afternoon. Just 24 hours from then.

It would be either a really good decision, or a really bad decision. There would be no in between.

Surprise weekend

What did you do this weekend?

Me, I went to Daytona for Bike Week. To meet up with Charles. And it was awesome!

 

More to come, I promise!

The end

I thought we were on our way to being friends. Friends with potential.

Him: So how do you like being friends?
Me: I like it.
Him: I have a question, as we are being friends, if someone asks you out on a date, what would you do?
Me: We're on the same thought pattern. I have no interest in dating anyone else.

Dating. That's what I said. That's what I presumed that this was something Charles and I were doing.

Now, how do you define that term? Because I don't think that my definition was matching what his was. To me, when you're dating, you arrange a time to be together. To share a common interest, moment, activity or just share the same space with the goal of learning more about each other. To decide if dating will lead to something further.

I don't think I understood what his definition was. He told me he was cautious with me and wasn't sure what my intentions were for contacting me again.

So these last two weeks were interesting. We had been apart longer than we had even known each other. And in that time I had built the life I was wanting: friends, activity, involvement in something that I believe in. I always believed that I couldn't really give love to someone else until I was truly happy with myself. I thought that my lack of assuredness of what role I was to play in my own life when I first moved here attributed to the deterioration of my relationship with Charles. That, among other things.

So here I am now. Excited because I found my place and I was ready to share that excitement with someone. I wasn't looking to have someone to complete me, but to compliment me.

I don't think Charles was that excited about my new life and time I placed on maintaining my friendships and involvement in things that were important to me. In the two weeks that we had been in contact, I had a massage appointment, a overnight sorority training conference in Charlotte, a Bon Jovi concert (that I invited Charles to), and 2 nights with friends for dinner. These are things that I had planned before Charles came into the picture.

Thursday afternoon I was out with Charles on a quick shopping trip. I was driving because he said he had a headache. I had dinner plans with friends that night and he had a meeting so I knew we only had a few hours before we had other things to do. We had planned for him to come over after his meeting and after my dinner. But by the time our shopping trip was over, he was coming on with a full-grain migraine and went home to lay on the couch. He might skip his meeting because he wasn't feeling well. I told him that if he wasn't feeling well he didn't have to come over. I didn't want him to be bothered by the dog or by me annoying him. So I got him a blanket, kissed him goodbye and left.

He sent me a text at 6:00:

I'm going to turn off the cell for peace. No worries. Talk with you tomorrow. Have fun with your friends. 'night.

At 6:30, I get this:

I don't think you and I are on the same page with a relationship. We should be email or text friends.

Um. Huh?

Which then launched this text conversation/rant...

I'm horrible and cold because I left him without caring how he felt just so I could go and have fun. Nevermind that he never actually told me that he wanted me to stay there. Because I had left my mind-reading hat at home.

The text conversation continued into Friday. Even though I told him that texting was silly, could he just pick up the phone when I called or let me come over. I asked how he was feeling, if there was anything I could do, if he wanted company. No.

So at 6:30 again, I get a text.

What are you doing?

I was actually just running out to sign up for a town softball league. I had learned about it at dinner with friends and I was so excited! I was just going to sign the roster, pay my dues and leave.

That started it all over again. (over text)

His claim that in this time I had put stuff before him. With him, he would make himself available to show that he cared but with all the stuff I was doing, it was obvious to him that I just didn't care enough about him. So I can just go and do what makes me happy and play my silly games and he can go back to being with his real friends.

Me: This is silly and unfair. I have made friends and a place for myself here. I would like to share that with you. I'm not playing games with you. I want to bring you into my life, not have you be the reason for living.

Caring about you and wanting to be with you does not have to be at the expense of having friends and doing things that I enjoy.

I said, "let's date. Let's take it slow." Not, "let's spend 24/7 together." I guess we weren't communicating again.

And you know what? I'm not sad, or angry. I see now that staying with him 6 months ago would not have changed anything. We would have still wound up at the same place. And now I know that what he's looking for is not what I have to offer. And I'm ok with that.

I'm not apologizing for the life I want to lead, and that may be part of whatever issue he has with me. But does that mean that I'm sabotaging myself?

When I'm at a loss I turn to horoscopes. I'm a Gemini.

Gemini changes her partners the way she changes moods. She's looking for love, but not at the expense of freedom. She believes that somewhere in this world there's a man who's her intellectual equal, capable of responding to her bewildering changes of mood and prepared to let her live her own life. Not surprisingly, she seldom locates him...nothing quite matters quite so much to single Gemini as her precious freedom to do and think as she pleases.

Then I looked at the compatibility guide with Scorpio.

Though you are very drawn to each other, this could be a very dangerous and destructive union. You are likely to bring out the negative side in each other''s nature. Sexually, you'll be immediately attracted to a Scorpio man and he be attracted to you...He won't have much use for your escapism or dreaming. He will always be bringing you down to earth with a bump...He does like his comforts though and in marriage, he may desire a woman who is prepared to stay in the background and look after him...If you can take the rough with the smooth, you could survive together. One thing is certain, you won't have much time for your own interests. It's unlikely you'll be able to continue with your career if you marry him. So if freedom is important to you, beware of settling down with a Scorpio.

Wow.

But I'm not writing this just to give the story of Charles and I an ending. I'm writing to get some objective feedback. Am I missing something here? Have I been so involved in me that I'm ignoring something obvious?

Please tell me your thoughts. I need an outside perspective.

Today's Horoscope

Follow-through isn't just for golf. But you knew that already, at least when it comes to work. You might find that follow-through makes all the difference in love too. There's certainly not a whole lot of resistance on their part (they might even be downright into you). So make sure to let them know you're still interested, and you could see a whole lot change. You might not even need to say anything -- sometimes you'll find that a single, powerful stroke is the best follow-through out there.

One week. Well, six months and one week. That's what it took to be able to see what this friendship/relationship with Charles could actually be. Its a good start.

"Friends with benefits? That's not what I want."

"Me neither," I replied. "That would just cheapen everything we had together before that was good. But I prefer friends with potential."

I borrowed that line from Say Anything, one of my all-time favorite movies.


I received a comment from a very dear friend (hey, Steve!) that maybe this story isn't just mine to tell, and I think he's right. So I'll end the details here.

But know that my eyes are more open and I'm still as stubborn as ever. You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take the Jersey out of the girl.

Figuring this out

"I would have brought flowers, but I thought you'd like ice cream better."

He knows the way to my heart is through my stomach.

Landing on my feet

Let your natural smarts and intuition be your guide today, especially when dealing with relationships. For the next few days, you can see more deeply beneath the surface to what's happening on another level, which gives you a kind of sixth sense when observing personal interactions. With this kind of thinking, you can open your mind and strengthen your bonds. It's a great opportunity, so seize it! -- today's horoscope

Even in the strangest of circumstances, I have always had the ability to turn things around and ultimately land on my feet. However, right now I'm dealing with my world turning upside-down and I really hope those feline instincts kick in.

On my 37th birthday, just 3 months ago, I put my house in New Jersey on the market to move to North Carolina. I was going to live with my boyfriend, an amazing man who I met a month and a half earlier on vacation and who I thought would be 'the one'.

Last week I was asked to move out. According to him, his ex-wife was threatening to sue for custody of the kids because living in sin was not a good environment. In three days, I had found an apartment, signed a lease, and moved in. I had thought that this was a good thing. I truly believed that going from long-distance relationship to living together was just too much of a strain and that by me having my own place, we could go back to dating and being normal.

It's never good when you get a text saying 'we have to talk'.

I went to his house and knocked on the door. I still had a key, but I thought that would be rude to let myself in. When he didn't answer right away, I cleared out the remaining things I had in the garage. When he did finally answer the door, I got the last of my things from the hall closet. When I had it all gathered, I turned to him.

"What? What do you have to tell me?"

"I think its pretty obvious. We haven't been getting along to well these last few days."

Um, you think it could be because you made me leave??

There was so much I wanted to yell and scream. But really, what's the point. If he didn't want to be with me, then I wasn't going to beg.

"So who really kicked me out? You or [her]?"

"Both."

Ouch.

So I learned what a coward he really is.

And I can pick myself up, turn this around, and continue on with my adventure. Because that's what life is really about, right?

Thrown under the bus

I get my own apartment tomorrow. Not because I want to, but because I was made to. It sucks having your life turned upside down unexpectedly.

But on the plus side, I get a sweet pool with the apartment, free cable/HBO, washer/dryer, gym. And Barry comes to live with me!!

Today's Horoscope

Take time for yourself by putting your life on hold. Walk around the park, stare at the sky and otherwise refresh your senses with the parts of life that really matter. Sunshine and open space are vital for you now. The peace can help you ponder everything that's going on in your life. Once you feel centered, you're better able to take on the challenges that come later.

Timely advice right now. I feel like I've been engrossed in a world of cooking, cleaning, and working. I'm beginning to wonder who this person is whose skin I'm living in.

The fairy tale has been bombarded with real-life: kids and bills. It takes some adjusting and sometimes its hard to keep up.

But at least I know that my Prince Charming is right here with me.

Today's Horoscope

You're in a restless, and no matter where you are, there's someplace else you'd rather be. While you might ordinarily be able to distract yourself until you can find a practical way to get out, you're unwilling to waste a moment now. Cut to the chase -- announce to one and all that you've got someplace to be, and get yourself there. It's time for the next step on your journey.

Again, this is a very fitting horoscope for me today. It's my last day of work today. And ever since I announced that I was leaving, my mind has been quickly shutting off. I've been focused on other things, selling my house, packing my stuff, settling in my new home, you know-- basic life stuff.

I know I should be getting concerned about the no work/mortgage due situation. But right now, I just can't. If I worry about it today or tomorrow, it will still be there. But in the meantime I'm enjoying every moment that I spend with Charles as he helps me get familiar with my new surroundings.

I met with a recruiter in Raleigh Wednesday morning which went well. I got a call from another person at a bank asking me to submit my resume for an instructional designer position with them. So at least there's some activity on the job front. That's encouraging enough to me to make me want to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon instead of spending 2 hours scouring the online job boards.

I feel extremely blessed/lucky/grateful about how my life has been lately. Its as if all those wishes after years of blowing out the candles on my birthday cake are finally coming true.

Shedding my skin

It's funny to me just how much my priorities have shifted these past few weeks. Or at least how I spend my time.

I don't watch TV much anymore. My Netflix subscription is practically useless. I have 4 DVDs sitting idle in a box. Books have been sitting in a pile and my journal is getting lonely.

I look around at the things that have accumulated in my house these past six years and wonder how they all got there? That glass pelican with a fish in its belly? Where did that come from? I know I didn't buy it.

As I pack up my belongings, I'm taking swift actions to get rid of the things that weigh me down, that have no value to me, that just take up space. I look at things that have fostered solo activities and consider their usefulness. Do I really want to spend hours making candles, or scrapbooking? No.

Because I no longer have to think of my life in the "I" sense. I can now look at it as "we". And it's not that I'm shedding my identity for the sake of someone else, but I'm allowing it to morph into something that allows for someone else to share some space.

And that feels really good.

(Flickr photo by brutalbrianax)

Turning 37

Life has been moving in high gear. But not too fast that I haven't had time to appreciate it.

I'm now 37 years old. I'm old enough to realize that the things that are most important to you are worth fighting for. And young enough to realize that you're never to old to dream.

The day after my birthday, I walked in the Walk Now for Autism Speaks event in South Jersey. I was the team captain and tried to recruit my sorority sisters -- both alums and collegiate members -- to walk with me. I guess I should be surprised that only three other alums and two collegians showed up, but I really wasn't. I'm just really happy that I didn't try to do anything extravagant for my team.

I won't count dressing up as my sorority mascot as extravagant. That was fun.

I had always wanted to be a character at Disney World. Today I got to fulfill a small part of it. I gave high-fives to kids and passed out balloons. I posed in pictures and had a really fun time being a big kid.

That evening my family had a party for me. I broke the news that I put my house on the market and that I was moving in with Charles in North Carolina. I was glad he was there with me. Not only would it show to my family that I was serious about this, but it would give them more chances to get to know Charles and realize just how great a man he is.

I got some expected questions:

• Where are you going to live? (with Charles)
• When are you leaving? (by the end of June)
• What about Barry? (He's coming with me)
• What does he do for a living? (runs his own home improvement company)
• How old are his daughters? (15 and 12)
• Have you met them? (I met his oldest daughter)
• What are you going to do for work? (I'll become a contractor for my current employer. If that doesn't work, then I'll find a job in Raleigh. If not, then I'll just be a kept woman.)

It turned out to be a really nice evening. There was no weirdness. My aunts and cousins were genuinely excited for me and the adventures I have in store. I pretty much got the 'thumbs up' on Charles. He fit in the family well and wasn't shy at all.

Sunday was a work day for Charles and I. We removed unnecessary furniture, spackled and painted, packed, cleaned and got the house ready for the market. It was a long, tiring day. Charles wanted to make sure that he got to do all the big jobs before he flew back home Monday morning. I had time for small packing and staging, but not too much. I was flying back down to NC Wednesday night and had to make sure everything was ready before then.

The best part is discovering how well we work together. We were a team. And when Charles got tired and hungry and cranky, I was still able to pick him up, find him food at my Mom's kitchen, and turn him human again. :)

This has been the best birthday ever.

The next step

Image by bearclau via Flickr

I would have never imagined the turn my life would take when I drove down to Key West.

In just two months I have found the man I have waited my life for, I fell in love and am following my heart to North Carolina. To stay.

My New Jersey townhouse goes on the market Thursday. My first open house is Sunday. All this will be going on while Charles and I frolic at his mountain house near Boone, NC. While people are wandering my hallway, peeking into cabinets and criticizing my paint color choices, I will be hiking, horseback riding and star-gazing in the Blue Ridge Mountains.

About a month ago we talked about the direction we were heading in -- forward: me in North Carolina. We knew we wanted to be together and we weren't concerned about timelines or the quickness of it all. But when I was at the airport last week waiting for my flight back to Jersey the futility of plane tickets and extended airport parking hit us. Why are we doing this?

We had come to a point where we ask ourselves. Is this for real? Do we see a real future here? And if yes, then what will waiting a year, six months, six weeks really accomplish?

Through my tears I asked Charles, "what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to call a Realtor this week."

Monday afternoon I sent Charles a text. "We have an appointment with a Realtor Thursday."

"YES!!"

I knew I'd be selling my house to go and live with him. I didn't know that I would be doing it so soon. But the great thing is that I'm not scared. I'm excited to go and start my new adventures with this man who loves me. And I have no doubt in my mind that he does. Its not overwhelming or smothering, but energizing and comforting.

Friday, on my 37th birthday, I signed the contract with the Realtor. Charles sat next to me as I held the pen, grinning because he knew the big step we were taking together. He came up to visit me for my birthday, and now was looking forward to a few days of cleaning, painting, fixing, and packing.



Slowly my home is become less mine and turning into something that looks like it belongs on an HGTV show. And I couldn't be happier!

Going home

I like it that recently, the days we are apart are much shorter than the days that we spend together.

I got back from Raleigh on Sunday. I'll admit that my eyes were not entirely dry. But I need not worry too much. Charles will be here Thursday morning. Just in time to celebrate my birthday with me.

My time in NC has been comfortable. Very comfortable. Like I wonder why I ever have to leave. The reasons are getting less and less. I think soon that my travels to NJ will be for short trips and not for coming 'home'.

A (very) good visit

Yeah, so I've been pretty silent about what's been going on lately. But I've been busy.

Just a week and a half ago Charles drove up to see me for a few days. It would be an understatement to say that we both had a great time.

In the 5.5 days he was here, he:

• met my parents
• walked my dog and picked up his poop
  
• help me make dinner for my brother and his girlfriend
• made some minor improvements on my house
• attended his first baseball game, complete w/fireworks
• met my extended family at a BBQ
• visited my hometown and all the places I went to school
• picnicked in Princeton
• lunched in Times Square
• rocked out to Rock of Ages
• relaxed in Central Park