Setting myself free

I've been feeling this emptiness in me. It's nothing new, I think it may be cyclical. But this longing for something is back.

In the past I thought it meant that it was a signal for changes to come. That I had to do something different, or try something new, or travel someplace exciting to fill the void in me. This time I'm not sure exactly what it means.

I don't feel like running away, and I don't feel like retail therapy because I already know that's not going to make me feel better. And I can't even say that a perfect relationship will be the solution.

I was in B&N, roaming the aisles like I normally do when I feel my soul is lost and I found this book, Ten Poems to Set You Free. In the book jacket I read this:

Ten Poems to Set You Free inspires you to claim the life that is truly yours. In today's world it is deceptively easy to lose sight of our direction and the things that matter and give us joy. How quickly the days can slip by, the years all gone, and we, at the end of our lives, mourning the life we dreamed of but never lived.

I read that and thought YES! That's it! I feel like I've lost direction, the reason for looking for the joy. And I want it back.

The poems in the book speak to me. And the author's interpretation of the meaning of the poems are like constant ah-ha moments for me.

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?
(Mary Oliver, 'Have You Ever Tried To Enter The Long Black Branches?')

That one line is like a slap in the face.


But I think this time, for now at least, I need to just absorb myself in this feeling. To not try and fix it, but let it surround me and envelop me. And maybe I'll find the secret of my soul. And it will tell me what I need to do to find the joy.

The Four Agreements

I just finished reading a new book, "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz.

I've been in this self-awareness, soul searching, happiness-finding mode lately and this book was recommended to me.

I love it.

Ruiz, a Mexican shaman of the Toltec wisdom, a way of life that embraces spirit and honors all the spiritual masters who have taught on the earth.

The premise is very Matrix-like: the world we think we live in is a dream built on the rules and opinions of others. Because we only know what is taught to us, these ways of thinking, these 'agreements' have falsely defined us.

But one we learn to shed these false and negative 'agreements' that have wrongly defined us, we can invite new agreements that can lead us to a life of personal freedom.

The four agreements are:

• Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
• Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
• Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
• Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret. 

This has made a tremendous impact on me and how I work through situations that are unpleasant. It's not something you read once and put away, but something I think I will keep coming back to.

The School of Essential Ingredients

Cover of The School of Essential Ingredients

What did she do that made her happy? The question implied action, a conscious purpose. She did many things in a day, and many things that made her happy, but that Clare could tell, wasn't the issue. Nor the only one, Clare realized. Because in order to consciously do something that made you happy, you'd have to know who you were. Trying to figure that out these days was like fishing on a lake on a moonless night -- you had no idea what you would get.

"The School of Essential Ingredients", Erica Bauermeister

I just finished the book "The Happiness Project". I liked it so much that I bought a paperback copy for myself last night. But Charles has it right now. I let him borrow it because he was interested in it after I described it to him.

So now I'm reading a new book, "The School of Essential Ingredients" by Erica Bauermeister. I'm only 35 pages in, but it reminds me of "Chocolat" and "Like Water for Chocolate"where the food takes on magical qualities. So far, so good.

But I was especially taken aback by the paragraph above about happiness. It seems to be a recurring theme for me lately, and something that I've been taken much more to heart.

Finding happiness is an action. And something that requires constant thought. Because when you get complacent, and just 'go with the flow', you risk the chance of letting it go or taking it for granted. You need to constantly ask yourself, or remind yourself, 'what makes you happy?' and do it.  Self-sacrifice and giving into the whims of other people, if that takes you away from what truly makes you happy, will ultimately break you.

I don't want to be broken. I'm just starting to enjoy how I put myself back together. I've gotten to know myself again and I'm ready to let the world know.

But I'll start with one man.

The Happiness Project

I am reading a book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. She also has an accompanying blog.

In it she chronicles a year-long project where she tries to bring more happiness into her life by test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific studies, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier. This is not to say that she was unhappy in her life.

In it I've found some pearls of wisdom that got me thinking.

Research shows that regularly having fun is a key factor in having a happy life; people who have fun are twenty times as likely to feel happy.

Having fun is one of the things that Charles accused me of. Of always wanting to have fun. As ridiculous as I thought it was when he texted that to me, I think its absolutely absurd now.

Now, I'm not bringing this up to place blame on Charles. I forgive him, I'm not angry at him and even though now I see that we are not a long-term match, there are qualities of his that I will miss very much.

But I believe that when an opportunity is there to have fun, to appreciate the lightness and joy that an activity can bring, that you need to take full advantage of it. Because when you're faced with something heavy and definitely not fun, you're going to need those happy reserves to get you through.

I had my share of non-fun times with Charles. I thought that in order to restore the balance, we needed a lot of catching up to do on fun. At least I did. I don't have control over what he feels or what he does; I can only control me.

I am sorry that we didn't get that chance. He also accused me of wanting to be friends. Again, I don't understand that argument. But I told him, "isn't that where we need to begin?"

So on this gorgeous, 80F, sunny, North Carolina day, I can enjoy the simplicity -- the fun -- of sitting on my porch drinking a beer, watching my dog lounge in the grass as I read my book.

And smile.

Things I Like: My Nook

There are a lot of stupid things on tv. The only show that I will stop my life and turn on the tv for is Glee. Yes, I am a gleek and I'm not ashamed to say it.

I've traded in a lot of tv time for reading. And I was holding out on an e-reader for a while. I thought I would miss the tactile-ness (is that a word), and the smell of books. But one day when I was home in NJ, I decided I wanted an e-reader. Like right now.

So I mapped the distance for Target and Barnes & Noble. B&N was closer so I drove the 3 miles to get the Nook. I have to say, I love it.

There are some books that I will just have to have a hardcopy for, but for casual reading, e-books suit me just fine.

I've been catching up on some literary classics that I never read in school. I just finished Oliver Twist and I have a bunch more free classics waiting in my queue.

I read the Oprah selection 'Freedom' by Jonathan Franzen. I can't say it changed my life like Oprah said it did to her, but it was ok.

I'm currently reading 'Half the Sky : Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide' by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. It's great, in that it angers you and stirs up the desire to want to do something to end the injustice towards women.

Next in my queue is 'The Help' by Kathryn Stockett and then the Millennium Trilogy Series books, The Girl Who Kicked the Shit Out Of People Because She's So F'n Badass. I'm interested in reading the series because the movies of them were just so awesome.

So what are you reading?

Time to spring into action

Things on the job front has begun to slow down considerably. Only temporarily, mind you. I start my new job April 5. But between now and then will be a glorious month of just...being.

I started my Tuesday laying in bed for about an hour reading a collaboration with Sue Monk Kidd and her daughter Ann Kidd Taylor in the book "Traveling with Pomegranates: A Mother-Daughter Story". I've loved her books since I read "Dance of the Dissident Daughter" and started my own personal journey searching for myself and the sacred feminine.

Traveling with Pomegranates starts with the mother-daughter team traveling together in Greece. They are both on a journey to find themselves: Sue as she enters her 50's and Ann as she graduates college; as women coming to terms with their new role in life. As the story describes the incredible heat of the Athens streets and the spiritual connectedness they felt at the Acropolis, I was taken back to my own pilgrimage to Greece last summer.

Sue mentioned a quote that she inscribed in her own red leather journal that resonated with me.

"Pilgrims are poets who create by taking journeys." -Richard Neibhur

I am a poet to the core. I find myself by traveling. I am especially looking forward to this month off because it provides me with an opportunity to recharge my batteries. I will be driving down to Florida to attend the Learning Solutions Conference and Expo in Orlando. I loved it last year and I'm sure I will get as much out of it this year. After the conference, I'll be catching up with sorority sisters and finally meeting up with family and hopefully scuba diving in the Keys. Like any of my travels, there is a lot of room for change of plans so each day I will have to answer the question "What do I want to do today?"

Like Sue and Ann, I also feel like I'm at an important point in my life. I have finally found a career that I enjoy, I found an opportunity to give back through coaching and mentoring the women of my sorority, I can live a comfortable (and not extravagant) lifestyle, and I'm enjoying the skin I'm in. I'm in a really good place right now and I have to constantly remind myself to stop and appreciate it.

things I like: Best Songs of 2009

I love it when the Universe delivers exactly what I was looking for.

I've had this soulful need for some more music. I've been reading this book, "Love Is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time" by Rob Sheffield. This biography tells the story of this Rolling Stone writer's life through the mix tape he's created and received over the years. Much of the music is new to me and has started this treasure hunt into locating and listening to the tunes.

Then today I came across the Said the Gramophone which had a listing of the Best Songs of 2009. None of these songs are played on mainstream radio and for a limited time, they're all free downloads.

I can't wait to go home, download them, and become intimate with my new friends.

The Big Read

I completely lifted this post from another blog, but right now I can't remember where from.
The Big Read, an initiative by the National Endowment for the Arts, has estimated that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed (though the list seems to be missing #44 and #51, and I couldn't find it at the website). How do you rank? I read 24 books on the list.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Talking Crap

I was so happy when I got home today and found a package waiting for me at my front door. Skim had sent me a present and imagine how excited I was when I opened it up to find "What's Your Poo Telling You?" by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth, M.D. Thank you, Skim! I love it.

Yes, poop stories make me laugh. My poop, your poop, the dog's poop, even strangers' poop. It's the one thing that all living things have in common, so why not laugh about it. In fact, if you want to laugh, here's the funniest poop story I have ever read. Even thinking about it now makes me laugh out loud.

Anyway, now with my new book, I will be able to always have some blog fodder to share with you even when I've run out of things to say.

For example, here's one interesting nugget of information:

On a trip to Vienna, the White House flew in a special presidential crapper so that President George W. Bush's crap could be collected and disposed of in a secure manner. Secret Service agents capture Presidential Poo in order to prevent foreign intelligence agencies from collecting health information about the commander in chief's health. Governmental agencies, including the US CIA and the Israeli Mossad, have used this approach to gain valuable information on the health status of world leaders such as Mikhail Gorbachev and former Syrian President Hafez al-Assad.

So looks like the writers of Scrubs were right when they said to "check the poo".

Pride and Prejudice

I've been doing some summer reading. Right now I have Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice on my nightstand. I had never read any of her books in school and wanted to catch up on some classics.

I've been enjoying reading it, but Austin's language is so formal and flowery that sometimes I have to read and re-read a paragraph just to understand what the character is really saying.

Often I try and translate passages into modern language.

"Oh, my dear Eliza! pray make haste and come into the dining room, for there is such a sight to be seen! I will not tell you what it is. Make haste, and come down this moment."

Becomes this:

"Eliza! Get the hell down here. You've got to see this to believe this. Hurry the hell up!"

See how much better it flows?