Friday, August 13, 2004

push and pull

At what point do you just resign yourself to believing that there's nothing more you can do and just call it quits?

For almost a year I have found myself to falling more in love with a person than I had been in a long time. And in loving that person, I have grown to love his son, his sister his parents... I have found a pair of arms that I fit in so comfortably and and ease in my manner that I forgot I even had.

However, I have also overlooked the material things that he didn't have - things that have been engraved in my being that is required for a suitable mate to possess - a home of his own, a proper education, a good job, a salary to live on. True, if I had relied on the criteria of a worthy man, I would have missed out on Jim and his tender and decent heart.

Maybe I thought I could save him. That I could show him that you don't have to settle for the things that are given to you in life, that it was possible to go out and get the things you want. I teach my lessons by example, not lecture.

When I reach out my hand to him, I no longer feel him being pulled out of his hole but I feel me being dragged down into it. I don't feel the equal give and take of a relationship anymore. I am doing it all and I'm running out of myself to give.