My Name is Durham

It's finally all set. I close next week. Sure it's a week later than originally planned, but at least it's happening.

I found this movie clip about Durham. It makes me happy that I'm going to be a part of a community with such history.


This video was taken around 1949, about 8 years before my home was built.

I'm sailing! I'm a sailor

I've always wanted to learn how to sail. So when the "I've Always Wanted To..." meetup group offered a sailing lesson, I signed up immediately.

Saturday at noon, the class started at Lake Johnson in Raleigh.  There were 8 of us in the 6 hour class. Our instructor was Margaret, a 77 year old woman who had been sailing and teaching it since she was 17. So with 50+ years of being on the water, she was a firecracker.

We learned on Sunfish sailboats, a cute little boat that skims easily across the water.

There's nothing quite like catching the wind in your sail and taking off. One hand on the tiller and one hand on the line holding the sail taut. I was a sailor!



I will definitely be doing this again.

On again, off again is now on again.

Barry's Theme

This ain't no movie

I woke up this morning and checked Facebook and read update upon update about the death of Osama bin Laden. I didn't really have much of a reaction.

Meh.

Don't get me wrong, he's a bad guy. But I don't really see how his death will really make a difference.

There were video of people in the streets, wearing US flags and cheering "USA, USA" as if they were just a part of the covert military operation of the Navy Seals to bring Osama down. People were declaring this an historic moment and justice served.

But is is really?

Loved ones are still gone. Many more innocents were taken. And the removal of one person who is only part of the cancerous terrorist groups will not make much of a dent, in my opinion. There will still be extremism and fighting, death and destruction and all the cheering and singing in the world won't stop it.

I'd like to think that this Hollywood-style kiss-assery will bring about a happy ending, but that only happens in the movies. The credits don't roll, the story continues on. This united American patriotism will last only as long as the next proposed healthcare budget, and those that struggle every day just to find shelter and food for their families will continue to do so.

So while this may be a big deal to some, to me its just another day.

Weekday warrior

I signed up to play softball for my town recreational league. We had practice for a few weeks and our second game last night.

I lovingly call ourselves the Bad News Bears. Many of the players on the team haven't really played before. Some, like me, haven't played competitively in years. But we all knew going into this that we were playing for fun and if we happened to win some games, then that was a bonus.

So far we've lost both our games. By at least 10 runs. Sigh.

The problem isn't that we're all awful. There are some good players on the team. One of the problems is that it takes some time for our hitting to come alive. Some of our errors in the field make me want to cringe. But the biggest problem of all is that we don't have a consistent pitcher.

Our league is slow pitch, which means the arc of the ball has to be between 6 and 12 feet off the ground. As opposed to fast pitch, the intent isn't to strike the batter out, but to get her to hit the ball somewhere that she doesn't want to.

Our pitchers have trouble reaching the plate or just can't make it hittable. And that walks in a lot of runs.

But what sucked the most about yesterday was that I pulled my lift quadricep on the first play of the game. I sprinted to get a foul ball from left field and I felt the pop. I finished the inning pounding my leg and trying to walk, but it was useless. Thankfully, nothing was hit to me the rest of the inning because I was done.

There was a sharp pain at the top of my thigh, right where it connects to my hip. I could walk with a limp, but the slightest movement could give me such a jolt that I had to fight crying out in pain. I sat the rest of the game on the bench with an ice pack on my leg, slowly leaking and drenching  my pants that eventually froze me out on a chilly evening. I didn't leave right away because I wanted to be a good and supportive team player. I also wanted to make sure that I'd be able to drive home. My car is stick and I needed my left leg to push in the clutch.

When I finally got home that night, I finally had to be a baby and cry out in pain when it hurt. Barry came over to kiss my face each time, confused as to what was wrong with me. I puttered around slowly and put a Tiger Balm patch on my leg for some much needed relief.

Laying in bed with an ice pack on my raised leg, I felt old and helpless. And I felt really far away from home.

Daytona Bike Week

Gal Pal Auction

Emcee at the Gal Pal Auction

Last night I went with my friend Lori to a Gal Pal auction to benefit the Dress for Success organization. Their mission is:

is to promote the economic independence of disadvantaged women by providing professional attire, a network of support and the career development tools to help women thrive in work and in life.

There were plenty of goods and services available for the silent auction and some really awesome things available for the live auction. Lori scored a week at a vacation home in the outer banks for $900.

As I looked around this room full of women, it struck me again how when we band together, we can accomplish great things.

The last auction item of the night was a pair of tickets to see Diana Ross at the Durham Performing Arts Center; orchestra center. But before the bidding started, everyone had to get in the Diana Ross vibe.

The Sixth Sense

I see people. They don't know they're dead.

You know in The Sixth Sense when the ending is revealed and Bruce Willis learns that he's dead and suddenly you can see the entire move from a different point of view?

Him: Meet me at 42nd Street Oyster Bar at 6:30.

I was sitting at the bar, drinking a glass of wine as I waited.

Him: where r u?
Me: I'm the cute girl at the bar

I watched him walk over to me in his motorcycle jacket, smile on his face and sparkle in his eye.

"You look really pretty. Shall we go get our table?"

We had dinner here several times. Before.

We talked about our day, laughing and joking. I helped him retrieve a lost contact lens hiding in his eyelid. It was fun, and light.

But then we got to talking about the day I left.

"You came in so angry with your mind already set. You looked at me hard and cold and said 'What do you have to say to me?' and tore around grabbing your stuff and slamming the door. If you had just stopped to let me talk, I would have said that I thought we just needed a break while I sorted the mess of my life out. Not break up."

Oh. My. God.

And suddenly everything I thought was true was just flipped over, upside down, sitting in a ditch on the side of the road.

Yes, I went to his house with a 'fuck you' look in my eye. I was guarded and vicious and I wanted to get my things and get out before he saw me completely break down.

"You didn't even cry. You were just a cold-hearted bitch (I'm sorry, this sounds harsh, but this is what I thought then) who didn't even give me a chance."

My eyes widened with this new realization and they started to fill with tears. I saw the last six months through his eyes. It was bad.

"I just learned something new today. I had no idea. I was so angry and so hurt. And now I feel so small and incredibly stupid", I gulped out.

"If I didn't know you, I'd think you were lying."

So there it was. All this time I thought he was getting rid of me. And all this time he thought I left him behind.

Later that night I was on the phone with him. He told me, "I remember you said that it was easier for you to communicate with words than with your voice. So write me an email."

I don't even know how to start.

All this time I saw only what I thought was the truth, but it turns out I was blinded by some stupid sense of pride.

When you told me about [the ex-wife's] demands I was furious! I understand when you said that you weren't going to take any chances with your kids. I never doubted that. But it didn't stop me from feeling any less rejected.Then I thought of other things you said in passing "I could never understand anyone who doesn't pray", "I don't have a dance partner", and I wondered if you were also using this as the way for you to get me out, not only of your house, but of your life. Because maybe you were starting to see that I wasn't the one you were looking for.

When you moved me into my apartment, I was hurting. I know you were helping me, but it also felt like you were getting rid of me. After you left, I sat on the floor and sobbed because I felt so completely alone. I left you the key to my apartment. I tried to invite you to come swimming, or to even help me break in my new bed, but your denials felt like a brush off. So when not even a week had passed and you sent me the text 'we have to talk' I thought it was just the final blow. I went to your house expecting the worst.

As I walked up to the front door I saw your wooden box, the one where we kept all our sex stuff, drying out on the stairs. I saw that as your way of clearing out the garbage because you saw that we didn't need that anymore. I knocked and didn't get any answer. I didn't want to use my key because I was already now feeling like a trespasser. Instead I went to the garage and loaded my things into the car.

When you finally opened the door for me I felt a chill from you. You went back into your room to put on some pants, and closed the door behind you. Like I was a stranger. That was when my guard came up, I put on my tough act and thought that if you didn't want me anymore, then I wasnt going be a fool and beg you to not to let me go. That's when I said to you, 'what is it that you want to tell me?' Because I wanted you to just come out and say it. You didn't want me. Instead you said 'you know we haven't been getting along these last few weeks..."

Are you kidding me?! In my head I was screaming, "I'm being forced to leave my home with you, I've had to adjust to a new life, in a new state, with a man who I was still getting to know, trying to figure out how to be a couple, a cook, a parent. I was without my family, barely any friends. I was fucking stressed!! I didn't know what I was doing and I obviously wasn't doing all that great a job." But in that moment all I could think was "it doesn't matter. Save yourself. Just go."

But all you saw was that emotional wall and you kept your distance. And all I saw was you keeping your distance because you were done with me. And that is where we unraveled.

In my heartbroken insanity, when you said it was both you and Chrissy that wanted me to move out, I thought that you had come up with this plan together to help you remove me from your life. And that was why I thought you were a coward.

So six months go by and all this time you're thinking I'm a cold-hearted bitch that took any excuse to run, and to me you were that asshole who hatched a plan with his ex-wife to get rid of me.

If only I hadn't moved right in with you, how could things have been different? I could have been able to become my own person down here and create my new circle of friends and found things that were important for me to be involved in without having to be so dependent on you. I think I asked a lot of you at a time when you were already stretched between work, kids, Grandma and your mom. I don't think I made things any easier for you as being someone else who needed something from you. If we had a chance to get to know each other, to date each other -- not from the two extremes of going 500 miles apart to being 5 feet apart. If we had that chance, I might be rolling over to kiss you good night instead of sending you an email.

And that is my biggest regret.

I got back in touch with you not because I wanted to get back together, because remember, in my mind you didn't want me. I contacted you because I wanted us to be friends. I loved you too much to let you remain a stranger to me. But now I know the huge, stupid mistake I made by putting up that emotional wall and making assumptions and exactly what that cost me. And it sucks. And I am so sorry.

-C

My life is a Taylor Swift song

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die
But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

2010 in review

I don't know where the time goes. Weeks fly by faster than I thought possible.

This has been a tremendous year for me. I changed fairly static portions of my life and now I feel like I'm actually living.

Which may be part of the reason that I'm not writing. It does make me sad a little to let the days pass and moments that I would normally record for posterity are being slowly forgotten.

But here are some moments of 2010 that are saved forever for the world to see.

What? I can't hear you.

It happens every workday morning. More often on Monday mornings. That whole "What did you do this weekend" question that ultimately lasts for 90 minutes.

Working in a cube farm I hear all the conversations. And for the most part, I don't care. At least I don't care at 9am.

My most productive time of the day is the early morning. I am active, alert, creative and I want to be able to throw myself into my work and get things done. But if you look at me after 2 pm, then I am procrastinating as if it was my life goal.

I love to chat about bullshit, but I would prefer it to happen at a less productive time for me, like lunch or late afternoon. Instead I have to be the anti-social asshole with my headphones on; drowning out the morning conversations of tv shows, kids, pets, remodeling projects, day trips and bouts of gastrointestinal issues.

On second thought, I might just leave my headphones on all day.

I can work from home up to two days per week. And I know that when I can wake up at 7am and log on in my pajamas, I can work for 6 hours with no distractions and get a lot done. But even though my team is on the west coast and I don't interact with them too much even when I'm in the office, I do miss the social atmosphere of having colleagues nearby. Interspersed among the rambling of nonsense, I might hear a gem of information that I could actually learn from.

I wish I could just put a door in my cube, or maybe a shower curtain. When it's closed, it could be the cue to "do not disturb". But when it's open its a screaming invitation to distract me.

Barry mouse hunting

Barry is doing what he loves, hunting for field mice.

Barry in the wild

There is a mystery in my house.


That was finally solved.

Asheville 2010

I'm not feeling very talkative today. So instead, here's the video of what I did this weekend.

After the dentist

Look at that. I can't stay with one thing for more than 3 says. So much for the 30 days of truth.

But in other news, let it me known that I'm an idiot.

I went to the dentist yesterday to get a cavity filled. My new dentist is awesome and it was actually the best drilling experience (heh... that's what she said) I ever had.

While I was getting drilled (heh heh), I had my own personal tv screen hanging from the ceiling and a set of Bose noise-canceling headphones where I could listen to it. While bits of my teeth were flying in my mouth, I was enjoying Zoolander and Baby Mama.

When I was all done, half of my face was numb and practically paralyzed. I was laughing when rinsing out my mouth over the sink because the water just fell right out.

I was so amused by my numbness, that I thought I'd share.

What's that noise

A mystery solved.

Labor Day Weekend

I had a great Labor Day weekend here in Raleigh. It was full of activities that made me appreciate all that I have around me.

Friday was First Friday in Raleigh. It's an art celebration on the first Friday of each month. I love it because not only to art galleries participate, but local businesses turn into galleries as well to showcase local artists as well as their products. I picked up a cute necklace and wore it proudly the rest of the evening.

Among the cobblestone streets of Moore Square you can also find musical artists to entertain you. This band had the crowd dancing in the streets, myself included.



Saturday afternoon I joined a MeetUp group to go horseback riding at Dead Broke Farm in northwest Raleigh. There was a group of 12 people, some who hadn't rode a horse in 15 years (like me) and others who never rode a horse at all.

It was a slow trail ride. Quite boring actually, with all the stopping and starting. I was getting annoyed by two newbies who had no idea what they were doing. One woman kept screaming practically every time her horse moved. She sucked. Then this other guy -- this very large man on an equally large horse -- tried to reason with his horse when it wandered into the woods. "Why must you go into the woods?" I thought that if he actually held the reigns and steered his horse he'd get better results.

My horse, Keeper was a sweetie. Except that he/she (?) kept turning its head to nibble on my foot. I wasn't sure if it liked me or hated me.

There were a few cool people in the group. Afterward we went to a local bar for some beers and burgers. A good way to end off the afternoon.

Sunday was mainly spent running errands, but I hung out with new friends that night. We ate pitas and hummus and drank wine on the deck in Durham while we watched the dogs run around. I did not bring Barry. He's kind of an ass and I wasn't in the mood to babysit my dog.

Monday was the best day of all. The weather was gorgeous. Just right for a baseball game. Since I came to North Carolina, I knew I had to go see a Durham Bulls game. Bull Durham is one of my favorite movies and I needed to go and pay homage.

The ballpark was beautiful and my seats were right behind first base, a few levels up. It was a long game -- about 3 hours. But the Bulls finally won 6-5 in the 12th inning.

A great end to a great day to an even greater weekend.

Surfing Sheep

I wonder. Does the sheep actually enjoy surfing, or is he like WTF?

(from PhillyD.tv)

In other news...

I spent this last semester as the alumnae Chapter Advisor for my sorority, Alpha Xi Delta at my alma mater, Rider University.

I have had a really amazing time getting to know the women of my chapter and helping them succeed on campus as a chapter and as individuals. Not all the interactions have been wonderful, but they all had learning opportunities for both me and the women. When I was an undergrad, the experience being in a sorority is the reason I am the person I am today. It had always been my desire to give something back to the chapter who had given me so much.

I have seen the women of Alpha Xi Delta do amazing things. Just last week they performed at the Greek Week Lip Synch contest.



However tonight at the Greek Awards Banquet, they really rose to the top.

They won the following:

• Highest New Member Cumulative GPA and Highest Overall Female GPA
• Intramural Member of the Year
• Highest Sorority Cumulative GPA

and the top award:
Bart Luedeke Outstanding Chapter of the Year Award

Oh, and I didn't do too bad myself. The chapter nominated for Chapter Advisor of the Year and I won! I am so humbled and so proud of my chapter. *mush*