Saturday, February 26, 2011

The end

I thought we were on our way to being friends. Friends with potential.

Him: So how do you like being friends?
Me: I like it.
Him: I have a question, as we are being friends, if someone asks you out on a date, what would you do?
Me: We're on the same thought pattern. I have no interest in dating anyone else.
Dating. That's what I said. That's what I presumed that this was something Charles and I were doing.

Now, how do you define that term? Because I don't think that my definition was matching what his was. To me, when you're dating, you arrange a time to be together. To share a common interest, moment, activity or just share the same space with the goal of learning more about each other. To decide if dating will lead to something further.

I don't think I understood what his definition was. He told me he was cautious with me and wasn't sure what my intentions were for contacting me again.

So these last two weeks were interesting. We had been apart longer than we had even known each other. And in that time I had built the life I was wanting: friends, activity, involvement in something that I believe in. I always believed that I couldn't really give love to someone else until I was truly happy with myself. I thought that my lack of assuredness of what role I was to play in my own life when I first moved here attributed to the deterioration of my relationship with Charles. That, among other things.

So here I am now. Excited because I found my place and I was ready to share that excitement with someone. I wasn't looking to have someone to complete me, but to compliment me.

I don't think Charles was that excited about my new life and time I placed on maintaining my friendships and involvement in things that were important to me. In the two weeks that we had been in contact, I had a massage appointment, a overnight sorority training conference in Charlotte, a Bon Jovi concert (that I invited Charles to), and 2 nights with friends for dinner. These are things that I had planned before Charles came into the picture.

Thursday afternoon I was out with Charles on a quick shopping trip. I was driving because he said he had a headache. I had dinner plans with friends that night and he had a meeting so I knew we only had a few hours before we had other things to do. We had planned for him to come over after his meeting and after my dinner. But by the time our shopping trip was over, he was coming on with a full-grain migraine and went home to lay on the couch. He might skip his meeting because he wasn't feeling well. I told him that if he wasn't feeling well he didn't have to come over. I didn't want him to be bothered by the dog or by me annoying him. So I got him a blanket, kissed him goodbye and left.

He sent me a text at 6:00:
I'm going to turn off the cell for peace. No worries. Talk with you tomorrow. Have fun with your friends. 'night.
At 6:30, I get this:
I don't think you and I are on the same page with a relationship. We should be email or text friends.
Um. Huh?

Which then launched this text conversation/rant...

I'm horrible and cold because I left him without caring how he felt just so I could go and have fun. Nevermind that he never actually told me that he wanted me to stay there. Because I had left my mind-reading hat at home.

The text conversation continued into Friday. Even though I told him that texting was silly, could he just pick up the phone when I called or let me come over. I asked how he was feeling, if there was anything I could do, if he wanted company. No.

So at 6:30 again, I get a text.
What are you doing?
I was actually just running out to sign up for a town softball league. I had learned about it at dinner with friends and I was so excited! I was just going to sign the roster, pay my dues and leave.

That started it all over again. (over text)

His claim that in this time I had put stuff before him. With him, he would make himself available to show that he cared but with all the stuff I was doing, it was obvious to him that I just didn't care enough about him. So I can just go and do what makes me happy and play my silly games and he can go back to being with his real friends.

Me: This is silly and unfair. I have made friends and a place for myself here. I would like to share that with you. I'm not playing games with you. I want to bring you into my life, not have you be the reason for living.

Caring about you and wanting to be with you does not have to be at the expense of having friends and doing things that I enjoy.

I said, "let's date. Let's take it slow." Not, "let's spend 24/7 together." I guess we weren't communicating again.
And you know what? I'm not sad, or angry. I see now that staying with him 6 months ago would not have changed anything. We would have still wound up at the same place. And now I know that what he's looking for is not what I have to offer. And I'm ok with that.

I'm not apologizing for the life I want to lead, and that may be part of whatever issue he has with me. But does that mean that I'm sabotaging myself?

When I'm at a loss I turn to horoscopes. I'm a Gemini.

Gemini changes her partners the way she changes moods. She's looking for love, but not at the expense of freedom. She believes that somewhere in this world there's a man who's her intellectual equal, capable of responding to her bewildering changes of mood and prepared to let her live her own life. Not surprisingly, she seldom locates him...nothing quite matters quite so much to single Gemini as her precious freedom to do and think as she pleases.

Then I looked at the compatibility guide with Scorpio.

Though you are very drawn to each other, this could be a very dangerous and destructive union. You are likely to bring out the negative side in each other''s nature. Sexually, you'll be immediately attracted to a Scorpio man and he be attracted to you...He won't have much use for your escapism or dreaming. He will always be bringing you down to earth with a bump...He does like his comforts though and in marriage, he may desire a woman who is prepared to stay in the background and look after him...If you can take the rough with the smooth, you could survive together. One thing is certain, you won't have much time for your own interests. It's unlikely you'll be able to continue with your career if you marry him. So if freedom is important to you, beware of settling down with a Scorpio.


But I'm not writing this just to give the story of Charles and I an ending. I'm writing to get some objective feedback. Am I missing something here? Have I been so involved in me that I'm ignoring something obvious?

Please tell me your thoughts. I need an outside perspective.


  1. No, you aren't missing a damn thing. I think things happened exactly as they should have. Not pleasant or easy at times, but with purpose. I told you Thursday that what happened 6 months ago, while a giant punch in the gut, afforded you the opportunity to establish a life of your own here. You've developed friendships, involvement and a sense of yourself that likely wouldn't have evolved in such a way had you still been with Charles. Just as that 'had to happen' I think this did too. You obviously had lingering thoughts of...what if, but what if...why did...
    I think you had to go through this now to really appreciate who you are, what you've become,the life you've built and see that unfortunately, he can't appreciate those things along with you. Don't apologize for being a strong, intelligent, involved, social,and well rounded woman. You deserve someone who will love those things about you rather than finding your gains in character as his losses in attention. THe right guy will look at you fondly and think how did I get so lucky? This girl has a full and rich life and thought enough of me to share it. Remember what you had with Charles, but celebrate who you've become in the process. Most of all, be excited for what other great things are to come.

  2. I second everything that Dayna said. I'm so happy hearing about the Clau that's settled into her new life with activities and friends in NC, and it seems like every time Charles comes back into the picture he becomes manipulative (whether he means to or not), and his actions are completely contrarian. It sounds like you have a good perspective on the situation now, and that your heart is in the right place. You absolutely should have a guy who looks at who you are now and what you've accomplished for your personal goals and thank his lucky stars he's got you!

    So again - what Dayna said!

  3. I don't think you're missing anything here. It sounds like he doesn't have much going on in his life, and doesn't understand why you're not spending 24/7 with him. He sounds immature. I don't know how long he was married for, but if he got married young and only recently got divorced, he may not have learned what it means to date and that both parties are supposed to have lives.

    Or, he thinks he's the man, he's the one that gets to go out and hang with his buds and that his woman better be staying at home, alone, and waiting for him.

    Either way, you aren't missing a damn thing at all.

  4. What Dayna said :) + <3 and hugs

  5. I'm back from San Fran. Let's talk.