Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine's Night

The rest of my afternoon at work after being dropped off by Charles was as productive as the hours at work I wasted in anticipation of him coming to pick me up. I did some little stuff here and there, but the majority of my time was spent thinking "now what?"

At least I had plans today. I was meeting Kelly after work for a few drinks. I got there first and ordered a Blue Moon to keep me company.

"Hey, how was your valentine's day?"

I filled her in on my last 24 hours.

"Well, that was I story I never expected to hear."

Two beers later, I collected my liquid courage and texted Charles that I wanted to come over. Right now.

Unfortunately his 13 year old daughter was home, and while any other time he'd say yes emphatically, he really didn't want to have to go into explanations with her. But he sensed that there was something on my mind that I was holding back.
You are not really saying much to me, not opening up or talking. So why do you try that now? Hell, you may feel better.
Ok. He asked for it...
Ok, here it goes.

I wanted to rip your shirt off and crawl into your arms and just pretend that the last six months never happened. I was reacquainted with the blue of your eyes and the strength of your hand as you grabbed my thigh and as I had you between my legs, I just shut my eyes and breathed you in deeply.

I had butterflies as you drove up. Even as I heard the roar of your engine, my heart flopped over. And you were damn sexy driving up all bad-ass.

I am not angry with you. Not at all.

But in this time that I've had to find my way on my own, I have been more happy and adventurous than I'd been when we were playing house.

I do want to know why I was asked to leave. But not tonight. I want you to know that when I asked you 'who asked me to leave, you or Chrissy?' and you answered 'both', that you might as well had punched me in my stomach.

I honestly don't know what happened. But I do know that whatever it was about me that made you want out, that's still there in me. It hasn't changed. In fact, I'm MORE me than I was before. Now I don't have to worry about the role I have to play while living in your house. I have my own place, with my own dog, making my own friends, living my own life and loving every part of it.

Charles, you turned my insides to mush when you told me you still love me. Because there is a part of me that loves you too.

I don't want to forget you or the intense time we had together. I loved you. It was real. I was your girl.

And I honestly mean it that I would like us to be friends. But that's where it needs to begin. As much as my body would like to jump right in where we left off, my heart wont let me. I have to be able to trust you again, and honestly that may take a long time.

All I know is that I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am, where I am, what I do and the people that I surround myself with. It would be nice if you had a place in my life as well. I would like us to get to know each other again, at a more normal pace. Not the insane timeline we had going.

Is that what you had in mind?
This has been the longest 12 hours waiting for a reply.


  1. You have to risk feeling vulnerable in order to find true love. And the right man won't let you get hurt in the process (or he'll at least try damn hard). My struggle has been finding a man who is also willing to feel vulnerable.

    But boy oh boy do those hours tick by slowly when you're falling.

  2. Love your friend's comment: "Well, that was I story I never expected to hear."