Is it arrogant to say that there isn't a whole lot that I hate about myself?
I mean there are things I don't like, the number on the scale, the split ends of my hair, that one zit that keeps coming back... But hate?
I don't like how when I tire of something, even if only for a little while, I tend to shut it out. This can be for anything: a task at work that I need to do, the dishes in my sink, or even sometimes with friendships.
Hmm... let me explore that friendship thing more.
I don't think I have ever had a problem being by myself. Not really a loner, but I didn't feel that I needed to be entertained by someone all the time. Even now, I genuinely enjoy the time that I have alone, but I also enjoy time spent with friends.
But sometimes I just don't have anything so say. I don't want to make small talk about your dog, your kids, the last movie you saw or what you had for dinner. Sometimes I'm content to just sit in silence, reading my book or walking my dog. Instead of saying "I just need some alone time", I'll just shut down, turn uninterested and be quiet.
And it really has nothing to do with the other person. Not usually. But sometimes my aloofness just comes across wrong and the friendship begins to stagnate. Its happened a few times.
Then there are friends who get it, who get me. Who understand that you don't need to be in each others lives every second, every day, recounting the events of the moment. When that text, or email, phone call or visit happens, it's because I genuinely want to catch up and be a part of your life again. Not because its from a sense of obligation.
I don't really like that sometimes my sense of independence shuts me out of some people's lives. But given the alternative, that there's some need to be paid attention to all the time, I'll take what I got.