In search of Faith

Religion is such a controversial topic to discuss because it is such a personal belief that reason often has no place in a discussion. In many cases the impasse occurs because the response "this is what I believe, therefore it is true" would prevent a discussion from moving further.

And really, that's fine. That's what you would call Faith, "firm belief in something for which there is no proof" (Merrium Webster dictionary).

I approach this subject today because it is something that has been on my mind for the last 15 years or so. What is it that I believe?

I was born and raised Catholic. I wouldn't say that I had a devout household, but we (grudgingly) went to church on Sundays, I attended religious instruction on Saturday mornings and received my Holy Sacraments. I was scolded for my bad behavior "you made Papa Dios cry" (that's my Puertorican heritage coming through) but never remember being praised in God's eyes by something I did well.

So Catholicism was something I never really believed in. It was just something offered to me much like the morality stories of Aesop's Fables or Grimm's fairy tales.

As I got older and started to reflect on this more, I realized how much I disagreed with the Church and eventually all organized religion. Specifically the exclusivity of it. The 'my God is better than your God' or if you don't believe what I believe then you will not receive the rewards that await the faithful. To me, God was not angry or vengeful and I couldn't agree with any doctrine that taught that.

To be clear, I want to separate Religion from Faith. I found fault with the oppressive doctrines of Religion, but I never faltered in my Faith that there is something greater than myself that connects me with all humanity and nature.

What I'm sure will be scoffed at by many, I started giving my unformed ideas into a more tangible shape by reading and watching fiction.

The first that comes to mind is the 1999 Kevin Smith film, Dogma.



Yes, the movie is silly and fun, but with one line at the end, it encapsulated all my vague ideas into something real; "It doesn't matter what you believe, as long as you believe."

So this got me to thinking, what else is there?

My search had taken me in different directions and again fiction stories were the spark of further exploration. Dan Brown's 2003 book The DaVinci Code is a thriller having to do with the Catholic church and the secret of the Holy Grail.

I had my doubts on the celibacy of Jesus. He was a man so why shouldn't he have had a family?

But the one aspect that drew me was the patriarchal ways of the Church. Why were the women second class? Why were women not allowed to hold positions of influence?

I became very interested in Mary Magdalene and her representation as the "sacred feminine". I read Woman with the Alabaster Jar by Margaret Starbird and Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd and it really began to awaken a deeper sense of spirituality.

Nature is all about balance. Pre-Christian and Eastern religions understood this and celebrated the God and the Goddess.

The Goddess. This appealed to me. It made sense to me. Women bear children. Women create life. So with that logic, The Creator is a woman. Mother Earth, Mother Nature.

That then lead me to explore more of the ancient Goddesses of all cultures and geographies. Isis, Briget, Kuan Yin, Gaea, Tara and Chalchiuhtlicue.

Spanning time and great distances, many goddess stories are similar long before people had ways of mass communication. So how did these similar stories come about? Could it be that Man created these stories, these myths to help explain what couldn't be explained? Have these stories morphed into one another through the ages? Maybe. (See Religion Comes from Ancient Astrology and Sun Worship: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.)

Or maybe it's something else.

Dan Brown again uses his fiction to expose another interesting idea. The Lost Symbol talks about Noetic Science, which brings objective scientific methods together with the deep wisdom of inner knowing to explore the mysteries of consciousness. Cassandra Vieten, Author of Mindful Motherhood, Director of Research at the Institute of Noetic Sciences could better explain:

In other words, there are several ways we can know the world around us. Science focuses on external observation and is grounded in objective evaluation, measurement, and experimentation. This is useful in increasing objectivity and reducing bias and inaccuracy as we interpret what we observe.

But another way of knowing is subjective -- or internal -- including gut feelings, intuition, hunches -- the way you know you love your children, for example, or experiences you have that cannot be explained or proven, but feel absolutely real nonetheless. This way of knowing is what we call noetic.

Humans are born knowing. It's just a matter of paying attention and listening. Intuition, instinct. Call it what you will. But that such diverse civilizations from diverse times have come up with similar stories to explain their existence could have stemmed from an embedded knowledge within us.

Common thought can have profound results on the physical world. This is The Secret, the Law of Attraction, or the power or prayer.

So this is where I am now. Contemplating this idea. Albert Einstein said:

A human being is a part of a whole, called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

Now this is something that I can believe in. If we are all born with an engrained knowledge of something greater than us, if that same 'something greater' connects us all, and if a collected thought can alter the world we live in, then why do we define ourselves more by our differences than what we have in common?

I believe that the root of all faiths is to be good to yourself, be good to others and be good to the earth. It's that simple.

My search of Faith is not over. I don't think it ever will be, But I think that right now I'm the closest that I've ever been before.

Ravenclau, mighty warrior

I don't think its wrong to say that I've become obsessed. I have that type of personality.

It all started when I found The Guild web episodes. They were cute and funny, but it wasn't' enough for me ti find them entertaining. I had to understand everything that they were talking about. The game World of Warcraft wasn't mentioned specifically, but you knew what they meant.

WoW has a 10 day free trial of the game.

I didn't think I'd get hooked.

I'm now on day 8 of my 10 day trial and I am currently a Level 11 Human Warrior, leatherworking apprentice. My fingers are sore from all the keyboard crunching. I've stayed awake for hours trying to complete quests. I don't know if I'll be able to stop when my free trial is up.

I need help. Or a boyfriend.

No autographs, please.

Oh how I cringed and screamed when I first saw myself on the screen.

"OH MY GOD!"

Is that what I really look like?

Thankfully, I didn't make too much of a fool of myself. During the interview I forced myself to speak slowly and clearly because when I get excited, I have a strong tendency to stumble over my words. Like my brain works faster than my mouth can handle.

Of the 60 minutes or so that I spent talking with the filming crew, my portion got culled down to about 15 seconds. I talked about the reason why I took my road trip and how my friends and family were able to follow me through my blog, Twitter and Facebook. Then they cut to my enlightening lunch in Joshua Tree among the rock formations.

When I was being interviewed, I was asked what kinds of feelings did I experience while I was in the parks. My answer was no where as near profound and I would have liked it to be. I think I was worried about taking time to formulate a real thought because I knew they were running out of tape, so I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head.

But now that I've taken the time to think about it, this is what I would have said:

Being out in nature, especially in Arches, something primal happens to you. In the stillness and silence of the red rock canyon you feel incredibly small. In the millions of years it took for these canyons and arches, my life is just one fleeting wink of an eye. But my existence is significant. Standing there I felt a connection to all those who stood here before me in awe of the grandeur of nature. I wondered if everyone was able to experience this 'knowing', that there is something bigger than all of us that binds us together, if this world would be a different place.

This idea of connectedness is something stirring and growing inside me. I know I will have to explore this further and find an outlet to express it. The idea has been there for a while slowly forming until it became something I am finally aware of.

Maybe it is enlightenment. Maybe it will point me in the direction I've been looking for.

My spiritual GPS.

My Premiere - National Parks: NY's Memories

Ha! It aired.

I watched anxiously for my debut. You can find me at 9:34. I feel ridiculous.

Excitement rising

I'm getting excited! The day is quickly arriving when I'll be on tv.

National Parks: New Yorkers’ Memories
Sunday, September 27th at 10PM

Shot primarily by CUNY students and featuring narratives and videos sent directly to THIRTEEN from members and viewers, National Parks: New Yorkers’ Memories is a unique collaboration with film students seeking a real-life, hands-on experience in television production. This is one of THIRTEEN’s first on-air and online projects shot by students.

NATIONAL PARKS:
New Yorkers' Memories
Sunday, Sept. 27 at 10 PM on THIRTEEN

Visit thirteen.org to watch clips
Get CDs, DVDs & more

Program will be rebroadcast Mon., Sept. 28 at 12:00AM on WLIW21 and 3AM on THIRTEEN; Sat., Oct. 3 at 5:30AM and 7:30PM on THIRTEEN; Mon., Oct. 5 at 5:00AM on THIRTEEN; and Thurs., Oct. 22 at 8PM on THIRTEEN.

The seeker

I now have a name to call myself: Seeker.

I recently connected with one of my teachers from high school. She was one of those people who went beyond 'teacher' and turned into a trusted friend. And I know that I wasn't the only student of hers to feel this way.

In our email conversations back and forth, I mentioned that I wasn't living the life I imagined for myself 20 years ago, but that I'm probably the better for it because of all the cool things I've done instead.

She replied with this:

It is important to you to learn about yourself and the world. You didn't see this in yourself maybe when you were 16, but most people don't. But the seeker comes to respect her own curiosity, her own hunger, as she goes along. Look at all you've done! You just wanted to find it all out for YOURSELF, and not be confined to a syllabus in the process.

I wish I could have had my teacher around these past 20 years because I know she could have helped me 'right my rudder' whenever I felt off course. But I'm thankful to have found that now.

I still feel the pangs of restlessness. I don't think it will ever go away. But the trick is to turn that restlessness into curiosity and from there into making new experiences. I will never stop learning, never stop seeking.

Obama / VMA Mashup

The saddest day

I took this photo Labor Day weekend 2001. Little did I know the skyline would change just a few days later.

My 15 minutes

When my road trip this summer was over, I didn't think anything more would come of it. But when I saw an invitation from my local PBS station to share memories of the National Parks, I thought that it was speaking directly to me. I mean, I just came back from two and had the videos and photos to prove it. I sent an email with my story, a link to my blog and to the photos and videos I took along the way. That was a few weeks ago and didn't think too much about it since.

Last week, I was reminded of my submission when I got a phone call from a journalist from Channel Thirteen wanting to talk to me about my post. Wow!

Dan, the journalist had read my blog and was interested in my story. He liked how I took my job loss as an opportunity and recorded my experience of traveling across the country and stopping in a few National parks along the way. "Do you think you would be able to come into Manhattan for an on camera interview for the segment they were creating?" he asked.

Um, duh. Of course.

So I waited to hear back from him.

The date was finally set for my interview and I cleared my calendar for my fifteen minutes of fame.

---

Yesterday afternoon, I arrived in Penn Station from NJ Transit and since it was such a nice day, I walked north to W. 57th street where I was supposed to meet Dan. I made it there with 30 minutes to spare, which is good because I hated being late. I checked my iPhone again just to confirm the location when CRAP. I wasn't supposed to be at W. 57th St, I was supposed to be at W. 67th St. I checked the map to see if I could still make it in time, it was only 10 blocks, right?

No. I had to walk to the west side of Central Park, then walk up 10 blocks. And I was already sweaty. Cab? I need you now.

Finally I made it to my destination, the right one this time.

I met Dan and his colleague Cathy as the interview before me was finishing up. They were telling me about the cute couple who had gotten married in 1970 and went traveling around the National Parks out west for their honeymoon. Then 25 years later they recreated their honeymoon, even recreating the photos that they had taken the first time around. They were naturals in telling their story. They knew when to pause in the story to allow the other one to finish a thought or to elaborate. After years of marriage, they had their storytelling down to an art.

Dan also told me about other people they had interviewed: one woman who traveled to the Redwood Forrest to scatter her father's ashes; another man who went rockclimbing in the parks and was sponsored by Red Bull.

These stories seemed so amazing to me. And that got me nervous. What did I do? I just drove to California and back. It suddenly seemed so pale in comparison.

Soon it was my time to go on. I sat in the hot seat and waited as they adjusted the lighting, put on my lavilear microphones and I touched up my makeup. Then Dan took his seat off camera and told me to relax.




I talked about the reason for my road trip; my blog, tweets and the virtual company I had from my friends' comments; my impressions of the parks; what was going through my mind as I was on the road.

I also talked about my parents and how they we would always take road trips for our vacations. I remembered sitting in the back of our station wagon, waving to truckers and playing those road trip games where you had to find words on signs starting with each letter of the alphabet. I inherited their spirit of adventure and now love to just get in the car and drive.

I think I did pretty good. I answered Dan's questions succinctly. I was animated. For the most part, I was pretty relaxed. But in the back of my mind I kept thinking "Please God, don't make me look or sound like an idiot."

After the interview was over, I gave Dan copies of my videos of Arches and Joshua Tree and my link to all the photos I took. I signed my release forms and said my goodbyes.

So that's it. Now I wait until it airs on Channel Thirteen, Sunday, September 27 after the Ken Burns documentary "National Parks: America's Best Idea". Check your New York TV schedule. Set your DVRs.

Hope that I don't wind up on the cutting room floor.

Today's Horoscope

Don't even try not to purr. This is one of those days -- the kind that have been specially designed to make all your romantic fantasies come true. The best part is that the person you've been dreaming of sharing this kind of day with is either ready to join you (and one well-placed comment will convince them) or already in the vicinity, making a mental list of activities. See? The perfect day.

This is a ridiculously spot-on horoscope today. Sometimes I think the Universe is laughing at me.

INTJ

I took that Myers-Briggs personality test that's been making its way around Facebook. I didn't take the Facebook version because I didn't want it to pull all my data, so I went and found another one online.

My results indicate that I am INTJ - Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking and Judging.

What this means is that I'm a mastermind. (Ha! That should scare you.)

shhhh

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I think its in direct correlation to the fact that I don't have a lot to complain about.

I guess that's a good thing.

Back on the Grid

It's been ages...

For the first half of the summer, I was supremely lucky to be out of a job. Sounds strange, I know, but that freedom allowed me to travel like I never have before.

The first adventure was a cross country road trip. For 16 days I traversed the United States, stopping when I wanted, visiting friends and just...exploring. It was liberating. It was exciting. It was amazing!

The next adventure was vacationing in Greece. For 9 more days I explored ancient ruins, sailed in the Mediterranean Sea in awe of sunsets and witnessed the hedonism of the beaches of Mykonos.

It's hard for me to believe that all this happened only 6 weeks ago. It seems like a dream -- a very good dream.

I'm now working again and so far I'm enjoying it. It's the next adventure.

Right now it's a little slow starting, but I see the potential. I will finally be able to do work that I'm passionate about. My ideas are being heard and they're not being resisted; they're being considered. Do you know how refreshing that is?

I'm feeling pretty good about everything right now. It's a good time to be me.

Today's Horoscope

This is only fitting since I'm in the middle of my road trip right now.

Give yourself a break. A brief one, anyway, because if anyone deserves some downtime, it's you. You've been trying to get away from it all -- or perhaps from 'them' all -- for some time now, but your fans (aka your family and friends) haven't been willing to let it happen. It's time for you to take matters into your own hands and let them all know only one thing: you'll go where you want to, when you want to. It's called personal freedom, and you insist upon it.

Doofus & Darling

Another book that I found in Barnes & Noble.

Too many Doofuses in the world and not enough Darlings.

Here comes the sun

I have never felt so hopeful in my entire life.

Last week I was laid off from my job. It was one that I had outgrown and no longer found challenging, but it allowed me to pay my bills. I was not upset that I would no longer be employed there. I was more bothered that the position I had interviewed for several weeks ago and which had given me a verbal job offer had not followed up with me on the specifics. I had started to wonder if I had heard wrong or if I had just made it all up. I was getting nervous.

Today the clouds have finally cleared -- literally. (After a week of rain, today is a beautiful Friday afternoon where the dog and I can lounge lazily in the backyard.) I received the phone call I was waiting for. The job is officially mine. Now I just need to go through the paperwork end of the process with the technology vendor who will be sponsoring me.

So with the employment issue resolved, I can move forward with my newest adventure, my cross country road trip. Oh, it is so on!

I planned on doing this trip exactly like my last one: bring laptop and camera and record the entire trip for friends and family back home. But to improve on that, I'd also be updating via Twitter, Facebook, Flickr and YouTube. I love technology.

I mentioned this to Steve and he came up with an idea that takes this trip to an entirely new level. Pitch it to the TV networks. Let them follow me on my hopeful journey of taking a crappy situation and as Steve put it "venturing out into a cross-country drive to renew her sense of focus and adventure." I can talk to people on the road, hear their stories. Take my readers to beautiful parts of the country. He's already trying to make contacts to find sponsors for this trip. He thinks its a shoe-in because I've done it before and it was picked up by CNN. It a hopeful story and can serve as inspiration to others who are down on their luck to see opportunity to start again.

So now he's got me all excited about this angle. I want to go out right now and get the Flip UltraHD video camera right now. And waiting until Wednesday for the iPhone 3Gs is torture.

As much as I want to prepare for this trip, I know the most excitement comes from the spontaneity of it. The basic plan is set, but the details will come on the fly.

I can't wait!

Recommended reading

This is the greatest book ever.

Just flip the cards until you find the perfect curse for any occasion.

Becomg an extrovert

I'm not shy, but I don't really like to initiate 'hey, look at me' moments. That's going to need to change.

Yesterday I went to my local ASTD Chapter meeting to watch a presentation on using simulation software for online training. I'm always interested in different software and how people use it. But the real reason for me for going is to network.

Now that I'm not working, I need to find ways to do some meaningful interactions. I can only be on the computer for so long until my fingers start to bleed and my eyes fall out of my head. Although, this time around I'm keeping much more engaged with Facebook, Twitter, Second Life, webinars and blogs than when I was laid off 4 summers ago.

Anyway, at last night's meeting after I found a seat and unpacked my laptop, I got up and went over to a group of people talking to each other and introduced myself. I know it gets easier the more you do it, but it was still a small hurdle to get over.

The good part is that I wasn't alone in feeling this way. The conversation I interrupted was how they have been coping with being 'in transition'. (That's a nice way of saying "I ain't got no job".) Attending these meetings were their way of networking. Collect a business card, add them to your LinnkedIn profile, move on. They have been collecting contacts like they were baseball cards.

Which is exactly what I've started to do as well.

Today's Horoscope

Think about it: Exactly how long has it been that you've been thinking, wishing, hoping and actually dreaming about taking off for parts unknown? (Unknown to only you and possibly one lucky companion, that is.) If you can't remember not feeling that way, it's definitely time to stop dreaming and start making plans. Get together with your sweetheart and firm up some dates. Do your homework on flights, hotels and travel plans in the meantime.

This is awesome! Not only did I book my July vacation to Greece yesterday but I think I'll wind up doing my cross-country road trip at the end of the month.

Time for another road trip?

It was like any other Friday. Quiet. Boring.

Then I got called into the office. "Claudine, do you have a minute?"

I got laid off. Maybe I'll go into it in another post, but don't feel bad for me. I have something else lined up.

But my first thought is Road Trip. Here's my idea...

View Road Trip in a larger map

For now, it's just a thought in my head. Still have some logistics to figure out, mainly where to keep the dog since my parents are on vacation until next weekend. Then there are some other things that are planned. The earliest I could take off would be June 24th-ish -- still about 2.5 weeks away.

So much to think about. But for now, I think I'll take a nap.

web 2.0

Find more videos like this on Innovations in e-Learning Workshops

This is a thought-inducing video about how the internet has changed the way people view communication, collaboration and connectivity.

Mush fest

I don't know what has been up with me lately and my inclination to cry at the drop of a hat.

I watched the movie UP. I had tears streaming down my face during the preview cartoon.

I watched Susan Boyle sing for her Britan's Got Talent audition. Crying mess.

I was with my mom and dad, a US Marine and Vietnam vet, in NYC on Memorial Day. People thanked my dad for his service. Good thing I was wearing sunglasses. My eyes were teary all day.

Today, Jane Bozarth tweeted:

At airport-announcement that plane carrying WWII vets is arriving; invitation everyone to come over to gate to welcome them. How great!

Then again:

http://twitpic.com/6j41p - WWII vets arriving Wah. DC for tour of memorials Arlington Natl Cemetery

Complete mush all over again.

Today's Horoscope

While other people may be looking forward to getting new material things, you have your eye on a prize more suited to your curious, exploratory nature -- something more experiential. Perhaps it's time to start setting some money aside for your next globetrotting tour or those scuba diving lessons. And if you're on the lookout for a gift for someone else, think about a fun activity -- dancing lessons, a restaurant gift certificate -- rather than another bauble.

I love when my horoscope hits the mark. How did they know about the scuba diving??

Passing the torch

I love playing softball. I started playing ball when I was in first grade and played all the way through my high school senior year. I've played on a work team here and there, but it was never the same as playing in high school.

Yesterday my cousin's daughter asked me to help her practice sliding. She's 11 and has only been playing softball for 2 years. I was so excited to show her because 1) I miss playing ball and 2) that she asked me in the first place.

We drove to a softball field near her house. This was also one of the fields I played at when I was her age. Nostalgia took over.

I was wearing a jean skirt and sandals, but that didn't stop me from showing her how it was done. I can still do it after so many years. Being in a skirt didn't change anything. But to me, sliding was so natural, I had to do it a few times so I could think about what my body was actually doing so I could explain it correctly.

I tried several things. First she just tried to copy what I did. That didn't work. Her legs and hips weren't going in the right direction and if she kept it up she would only get hurt. Then I had her concentrate on how she would position her left leg under her right. I had her just lay on the ground in the final 'slide position' so she can feel how her body should wind up. That didn't work so well either. Finally, I had her fall backwards into my arms simulating the moment that she slid into the base. She was supposed to practice bring her left leg up and shifting her hips at the same time. Nope.

I was frustrated because I didn't know what else to do have the sliding motion click into place for her. She was getting frustrated with herself, too. After about 45 minutes, it was getting late and she was getting tired. And I didn't want her to get hurt.

So we called it a night. I was bummed because she didn't get it. But I was happy that she didn't give up on herself and was genuinely interested in practicing so she could get it right. I hope she finds her groove and that she learns to love the sport as much as I do.

A welcome addition

It's pretty rare when you hear that something you said or did actually had an effect on a person.

My friend Naomi has just started a new adventure, leaving New York City after 10 years to start a new life in a new city. She was contemplating starting a blog to share her experiences but seemed to be on the fence about it. It took a Twitter nudge and a Facebook word of encouragement (gotta love that social networking) to get her writing.

Join me in welcoming Naomi to the bloggersphere.

Naomi's Adventures: From "Big Apple" to "Southern Peach"

A Little Tenderness

Where are the guys who will go to any lengths to be noticed by the one they love?

I <3 Duckie!

Calvin the Explorer

The last cartoon for Calvin & Hobbes was special to me. While it was sad that my favorite 6 year old kid and his imaginary tiger friend were leaving, it reminded me that with every end is a new beginning. One that is full of magic, mystery and something exciting.

I feel it's about that time for some exploring.

10 Reasons Why Being Alone Sucks

1. No one to talk to (that will answer you back). Dogs don't count.
2. I never get any pictures taken of me.
3. Single supplement fees when traveling.
4. When something cool/funny/sad/scary happens, there's no one to share it with.
5. Beds always seem much too large.
6. Can't reach that itch in the middle of my back.
7. I can have shit stuck in my teeth / fly unzipped and no one to warn me.
   
8. If I fall and can't get up, who'll get help? I'm too young for LifeAlert.
9. Having to kill my own bugs.
10. No one else's dessert to take a bite of to sample.
    

On dreams

I have recurring dreams of being swept over by a huge tidal wave. Sometimes they're nightmares, other times they're just...dreams.

Last night I had another one.

I was on the top deck of a cruise ship. It was still in harbor and was shielded by the ocean beyond by a sea wall that put the ship below sea level. It was almost as if the ship was docked in a lock.

I was amazed by the sight of the dorsal fin of a killer whale swimming just on the other side of the sea wall. I called all my friends to witness the beauty of the orca as it swam by and breached.

But with that breach brought the wave. A wall of turquoise rose above the ship and the shadow of the killer whale was inside. I knew what was to come (from all my other tidal wave dreams), so I took a deep breath and dove into the wave.

Inside the water was calm, no violent currents. Just the water surrounding me. I knew I had to get to the surface before I ran out of breath, but I couldn't swim up because all around me were the killer whales and great white sharks gobbling everything up in sight. I saw the huge jaws of a shark swallow a person whole.

What was crazy about this dream was how calm I was. I felt the air in my lungs giving out and I desperately wanted to take a gasp in, but I knew that I would drown. Looking up at the surface, I knew I was a good 40 feet underwater and wasn't sure if I would even make it. I knew from my scuba lessons that air expands in my lungs as I ascend and there's a slight chance that I would have enough air to reach the surface, but those damn sharks and killer whales were in my way.

So I stayed there standing on the top deck of the cruise ship, 4o feet underwater, watching the terrors swim above my head and my only hope to survive beyond that. And with full awareness of my demise, I calmly waited for the air to run out...

...and I woke up.

What is your recurring dream?

Man of the house

I'm getting quotes for a patio install. I've been in my place 5 years and I think its about time to get rid of the scraggly grass and have a nice paved entertaining space. Thank God for Home Depot.

Today I got a call from the contractor's scheduler to arrange for an appointment. She took some initial information, like the dimensions of the patio, and gave me a ballpark estimate. $4500 - $4900. Yikes.

I humed and hawed for a second.

"Well, maybe you can talk it over with your husband?"

What. The. Fuck.

I hate it when people assume that I'm the 'little woman' who needs her big, strong husband to make all the decisions for me.

I didn't say anything. I let it go, because there's no use pissing off the people who you're trying to get to help you. But really, F her.

Beach, beers and big mouths

Saturday night was our third annual Pre-Summer Girls Night Out at my friend's house down the shore. We went out to Jenkinson's, a club in Point Pleasant, NJ. The riduculous part was that we all used to party there 15 years ago. And now we showed up with coupons for free admission while the now 22-year-olds were laughing at us.

Whatever. F them.

But the real question is, what the hell am I doing?

My New Favorite Thing

I get worked up over stupid things lately, so when something so meaningless can make me feel better, I want the world to know.

This little makeup set is from the NP Set line called Bon Voyage Baby. I love it because it's so compact, the neutral colors and it has everything I need to feel pretty. It comes with 3 eye shadows, 2 lip glosses and a little applicator. And the mirror on the lid completes the package.

Now that summer is right around the corner, I don't want to be weighed down with heavy makeup. With Bon Voyage Baby, it provides the perfect polish to go from drab to dazzling.

Alone in a crowd

I'm at that moment in my life where I don't want to stay home, but I don't necessarily feel like being social. So instead, I've opted for being alone in a crowd.

It's a beautiful Friday night, 70 degrees, clear, calm night. It would be perfect to take a walk hand-in-hand along the bustling city streets with a special someone. But there is no special someone. That doesn't mean that I still can't take myself out on a date.

Not too far away from me is a cute little town square, with wide sidewalks, outdoor seats and a coffee shop with a guy playing acoustic guitar. Perfect.

Armed with my journal, book and laptop I took the ride 10 miles away just to be lost in a small crowd. I have my caramel macchiato, raspberry cheesecake tart, good live music and free wi-fi. I couldn't be more contempt right now.

Back-seat lurkers

*sigh* It never fails.

Random thoughts

"It's not that I think everyone else is an idiot, I just think that I'm better than them."

"At what age is it just stupid to have every comment you utter reference getting drunk?"

"It's nice to know that I have over $35,000 in student loan debt to be a copy/paster."

In a meeting, a coworker said "How do I get an overpaid job where I can be arrogant and not really know what I'm talking about?"
It took all of my willpower not to reply with "You already do."

The future awaits

I was told by a psychic reader that April will be a big month for me; a month of change and regeneration. At the time, I didn't pay much attention to it. But since yesterday I felt this kind of electric energy coursing through my veins. And if it's true that you can make your own reality, than I have to believe that April is the start of something good for me.

Yesterday I officially started the inquiries into a job search. I was also in touch with an old friend. And today's horoscope is encouraging:

You will be at the top of your game today! You'll come up with the perfect answer at the perfect time. You'll toss out the sassiest comeback to a flirtatious comment. You'll be in the right place at the right time. In short, everything you need will be at either the tip of your tongue or your fingertips. This will naturally put you in a great mood, which will go a long way toward putting a blue friend into a better mood. Spread your luck around -- it is contagious.

So, here's to Spring and a new cycle of my life.

No respect

There's this unsaid joke among a few (ex)co-workers about a particular manager who always seems to find excuses to duck out of work early.

Today's email from my manager:

I am headed out just after 3pm to be home for the bus – I will be available via phone (home or cell) after 3:30pm and online.

Samantha has her first Tee Ball practice this afternoon as well - so if the rainy weather does not force cancellation of the practice I am will be available after 5pm via my cell phone and email.

So I replied:

I have to go home at 2:54pm today because my dog lets lonely and likes to sit on my lap. I’ll be available using mental telepathy. Barry has obedience school this afternoon as well, so if he doesn’t maul the Great Dane in his class, I am available after 5pm via my iPod.

But Steve beat us all...

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately I am out of the office. My imaginary friend is having dental surgery and while I am not helping that friend in any way, I am mentioning it here for sympathy. If I am sober, you should be able to contact me after the day is already formally over and you will likely want to go home to have your own life. If you still must contact me, feel free to use passenger pigeon and allow 3 to 8 weeks for reply.

I Twitter therefore I am

I'm too lazy and uninspired to write a proper blog entry, so I'll resort to finding comics that translate my life.

This one cracks me up because just yesterday Mike asked me what I did this weekend.

"If you read my Tweets you'd already know."

Funny because it's true

Hide and Seek

Barry has this new thing going. He looks for impossible places to fit his body to hide from everyone. He's been doing this for a few weeks and I don't understand why.

This morning I was getting ready to leave for work. I yelled out to Barry to say goodbye and there was no response.

Hmm, that's strange.

I went into the bedrooms and looked under the bed. No dog.

I went into the bathrooms and looked in the bathtubs. No dog.

I opened closet doors all over the house. Maybe he got stuck in there? No dog.

By this time I looked in his known hiding spots and I couldn't find him anywhere. I started to wonder, "did I leave him outside? Could he have unlocked the door and take himself for another walk? Nah, he doesn't have opposable thumbs."

So I had to revert to the only known trick that could root Barry out from where ever he was hiding.

"Do you want to go for a ride to Mommy's house?"

In the kitchen I heard the jingle of his collar. A heard a cabinet door open and shut. And Barry came happily trotting around the corner into the living room where I was.

I couldn't help but laugh. Barry can now nose my kitchen cabinets open and nudge his way inside just so he could sit in a dark, enclosed space.

I have a weird dog.

Geek out

I have been very busy blogging the last few days, just not here. If you want to be geeked out on elearning and stuff like that, head over to my other blog.

I'm attending the eLearning Guild's Annual Gathering | 09 in Orlando, FL. I haven't been to the House of Mouse yet. I think that will be tomorrow.

hot dog

hot dog
Originally uploaded by fartparty.org

cutest thing ever!

High School Reunion

I love how Facebook has been bringing people together. Saturday, all because of our reconnections on Facebook, many of my classmates from high school got together to meet up. Many after 18 years.

It was great to see everyone. At first I was worried that I wouldn't be able to recognize who came in the room, especially those who I really didn't hang out with, but it was easy. People really haven't changed and it was pretty comforting.

The best part was the ease in which we all talked with each other. None of the 'clique-y' barriers that existed in school were there anymore. Everyone was amazing, everyone was beautiful, everyone had their own story to tell. There were some moments of 'remember when' but mostly we talked about our new lives, our successes, and (in some cases) children.

It wasn't until that reunion that I fully realized the wealth I had growing up with these people. We all 'stayed real' and didn't put on any illusions of grandeur. We had the support in our lives to achieve whatever we wanted to, but were also kept grounded by our roots -- and from what I saw, no one seemed to loose sight of where we came from.

Colonia High School Class of 1991. You rock!

(Rest of photos)

Snow day

The east coast got hit with a snowstorm overnight. Even before I was heading to bed, I saw all the Facebook posts that school was already cancelled and everyone was excited for a snow day. Especially the teachers.

I looked out the window. Yeah, there was snow, but the roads are being cleared. I can see traffic moving on the main road in front of my house. There's no reason to stay home.

I stayed home all day yesterday. I never got out of my pajamas. I never brushed my teeth, let alone brushed my hair. My dog was at my parents' house so I had the whole day to be alone. And I was bored.

I *tried* to do homework. My goal was to take an exisitng, boring online course that my company developed and rewrite it to fit the constructivist learning theory using rapid-development software. I'm trying to use Adobe Captivate. I got nowhere. I just didn't have the motivation to understand exactly what constructivism means, to rewrite anything, or to learn new software. So instead I wound up trying to take a nap, making tuna melts for lunch, watching 2.5 movies (I couldn't sit through the last one) and eating nachos. As relaxing as the day was, I was kinda bored. I was lonely.

So today when faced with the decision to work from home, I'm torn. I really don't want to spend another day by myself trying to be productive. But on the other hand, I'm not that excited to drive to work and sit at my cube and spend another day trying to be productive. My project schedule is currently at the point where I'm waiting for other people to do things so there's not much I actively have to do. It's depressing.

Maybe I'll go somwhere with free wi-fi and work from there. I wouldn't be home, but I wouldn't be at work either.

I'm so looking forward to next week when I'm in Orlando geeking out at the eLearning Guild's Annual Gathering.

Answering the call

Last night President Obama gave his first State of the Nation address to congress. One of the three areas his administration will invest in to secure our nation is education.

In a global economy, where the most valuable skill you can sell is your knowledge, a good education is no longer just a pathway to opportunity. It is a prerequisite....So tonight I ask every American to commit to at least one year or more of higher education or career training. This can be a community college or a four-year school, vocational training or an apprenticeship. But whatever the training may be, every American will need to get more than a high school diploma.

This is good news to me because this means that there is a place for me and the work I want to do. My challenge is now finding how I fit in.

Wide Open Spaces

This reminds me that I have my road trip to Orlando to look forward to in 2 weeks. Yeay!

In August 2004, I went to Las Vegas to celebrate Cyndi's 30th birthday. On one of those days we rented a convertible and drove out for a day trip to the Grand Canyon. We took the interstate most of the way to save time, but every once in a while we'd change over to Rt 66 for some nostalgia. It was worth it. I love to drive as long as the road is open, the weather fine, gas cheap and the music good.

Be the change

As I go through my morning ritual of reading email, horoscope, twitter feeds and e-learning blogs, I came across the T+D Blog and this particular article.

Although unemployment is at an all-time high, you should not assume that employees "should be just happy to have a job." They need a purpose, a reason to work and they need to feel like the work that they are doing is meaningful and valuable to the company.

This is exactly how I feel right now. I don't feel that it's good enough to just have a job. I don't want a job, I want a career. I want to be proud of the work that I do. I want to be able to show it off and say "Look what I can do!", I want to hang my gold star on my refrigerator to show my dog.

I wish I could anonymously send a link to this article to the top dogs of my company. But I don't think it would change anything, and really, I'm not interested in change here anymore. I'm more interested about the change in me and what I care about.

I will be finishing my Masters degree in Education in a few weeks. I say that as if it's going to magically happen, but the reality is that I still have a lot of work to do on my final project. I'm using that milestone as the catalyst to start looking for another job. Time to move out of Project Management and on to Instructional Design. For the first time in my life, I will actually take a job in the field that I went to school for.

Advanced Personality Test

Another personality test at Youniverse.com

Intellect: Thinker
Skills: Listner
Emotions: Theorist
Dynamism: Grafter

Your Core Skills

You are highly academic with a love of complex intellectual challenges that require you to really use your brain and an impressive ability to absorb and synthesise very detailed material. You find comfort in philosophical theory and abstract conceptual thinking. You're very compassionate and understanding and so your colleagues often come to you to share their problems or ask for advice. You are regarded as a sensitive and empathetic team-player.

Potential Areas Of Weakness

You have a low tolerance for inefficiency or lack of clarity which means that you sometimes resist involving colleagues in your thinking in case it slows you down. You may sometimes come across as detached or reserved and it's important that the need to communicate doesn't get overlooked when you are engrossed in analytical work. You have the potential to be an effective thought leader but don't always demonstrate the necessary confidence.

Areas You Might Want To Work On

• practice public speaking in front of the bathroom mirror
• ensure that your natural role as facilitator or mediator does not mean that you fail to express your own opinion
• make a conscious effort to involve others in your work and enjoy the positive impact on your mood and creativity

Careers That May Suit You

data analyst computer programmer research scientist focus group facilitator

Your Detailed Personality Assessment

You are able to apply yourself successfully to pretty much whatever takes your fancy. You owe it to yourself to make sure that your work environment offers you maximum stimulation and satisfaction. You are at your best when you are energised by serious brain-work. Focus on setting out a clear career plan and developing a set of powerful self-promotion techniques that will give you the confidence to step up and achieve your goals.

When it comes to leadership, you are a firm believer in conviviality. You like to be a friend as well as a boss. Job satisfaction lies in building strong relationships with the people you work with. But it's important to always be careful not to blur those boundaries.

You have a very good eye and are naturally attuned to aesthetic beauty. You appreciate craftsmanship and understand the value of true mastery. You have strong ambitions and like to push yourself.

As far as you're concerned, hard work is the best way to achieve your goals. Short cuts to success are just a false economy. You tend to be quite traditional in your perspective and like to have a clear sense of your career milestones. You believe that effort should be rewarded and that if you put in the hours you'll reap the benefits. However that doesn't mean you always follow your own wisdom. It can be hard to maintain intense levels of focus all the time.

Life may feel quite bleak to you right now. It seems like there's not much on the horizon and you could really use some inspiration and positive vibes to propel you into the next phase. It's not surprising you're feeling fraught. Work is taking over your life and it seems that things may be starting to get on top of you. You could really use some time and space to think. Maybe it's time for a change.

The way you approach each day can have huge implications for your success in the workplace. Positive mental attitude comes naturally to you. You definitely seem to have your priorities right in life. You have a strong sense of self and know what you need to feel good. It's just important that you make sure that you can always summon the motivation that you need to pursue your goals with ambition and determination.

The Future

Maybe you've outgrown your current job or perhaps you want make your mark with a big career move. You may not be ready to make a change just yet, but you're definitely thinking about your options and you understand the value of doing lots of research and thinking so that you make the right move when the time comes. Life an feel like a bit of an endurance race sometimes. It's all about making sure that you have the stamina and commitment to go the distance. You seem to be quite pragmatic about the fact that work has its ups and downs, and this is a really healthy way to be, as long as this doesn't dampen your natural enthusiasm for life.

My Creative Self

I took Chelsea's lead and did the Creativity quiz on Youniverse. Here are my results:

Hands On
About Me
For you, creativity is all about getting physical. You like to roll up your sleeves and get stuck in. Being able to make something with your hands is an important expression of who you are. Art is probably a big part of your life. And you like to use your natural flair for creativity at work and at home. You particularly enjoy the feeling of seeing a project through from start to finish. Nothing beats the sense of satisfaction that comes watching your own creation evolve and grow. Chances are you really appreciate the special skills that you have -- its a wonderful gift to be able to express yourself this way. Bright lights and red velvet. You really enjoy conjuring a true sense of occasion, highbrow and high emotion.

How I Create
You've got a creative head on those shoulders. You grab any opportunity to record bright ideas as they strike. It's all about form, man-made just can't beat the beauty of nature. You're the type that can think better in wilderness. Your strength lies in your ability to record what we all see, but from your own perspective.

How I Think
Deep down you have a curious spirit and like exploring new places and ideas. You seek out your creativity by grabbing opportunities that come your way. Unexpected challenges invigorate your mind and inspire you to new levels.

Explorer/Director

Your Major and Minor Personality Types

Characteristics of all four personality types can be found within each of us, but there is almost always one personality type that is dominant. We call this the major personality type.

The Chemistry Profile also identifies your minor or secondary personality type. You exhibit some aspects of this personality type, though not to the same degree as with your major type.

* Your major personality type = Explorer
* Your minor personality type = Director


You are an EXPLORER/director

You are a skywalker. You love adventure, both intellectual and physical. And you greet new challenges with passion and bravery.

When you get interested in a project, you can become extremely focused on it, sometimes to the exclusion of all around you. You complete it carefully and thoroughly, often with great originality.

And because you have a lot of energy and tend to be enthusiastic about your ideas, inventions, and projects, you can be very persuasive.

You tend to like to collect things, experiences or ideas. And you are eager to make an impact on those around you, as well as the wider world.

Although you enjoy people and can be charming and humorous, you are not very interested in routine social engagements or boring people. You are comfortable being by yourself, pursuing your own interests.

People probably call you a non-conformist, an original. You like to have good conversations on important topics. People tend to admire you for your innovativeness. You make an exciting, though at times distant, companion.

(Taken from the Chemistry dating site.)

Yaaaaaaa!

I love hippopotamuses... or is it hippotomi? Whatever, hippos. You know what I mean.

I can only imagine the cringing and rolling of eyes the momma hippo as her little one screams in her ear.

"Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mom? Mom? Can I have a cookie? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Timmy's looking at me! "

Sigh.

Flashback: 2/10/2002

I bought my new journal today because my old one is almost full. I got myself another Moleskin square ruled journal. I love it.

I always carry a journal around with me to capture thoughts that can't wait until I put them in my blog, or are just too personal.

To celebrate my new journal, I thought I'd take you back to an entry from seven years ago today.

2/10/2002
Michele's all moved in.

I went in on a Saturday afternoon to help her unpack.

I took the train in from New Brunswick. I hadn't been in NYC since September. As I passed Newark and looked east at the skyline, my heart hurt -- as it always does. But I was able to put my arms around it now.

Growing up in the 80's, it was all about excess. If you did anything, you did it over the top. Expensive toys, loud clothes, high hair. It was always more, more, more.

Well, when I looked at the alien skyline, I realized: there was just too much sky.

Once I got to Penn Station, the familiar smells came back to me. I think the popcorn guy was the same one. The black karaoke guy was still there next to the news stand singing those corny songs, wearing the same hat, jacket and shiny shoes. It was comforting to still see him there. The world could fall down around me, but as long as that guy is still there singing to a captive crowd of commuters, then the world will be ok.

I got on the A/C/E downtown. There were still signs on the subway and in the station for World Trade Station. I took a picture. I transferred to the L train and all I could think of was David Reynolds singing "There ain't no party like an L train party!"

I got off at 23rd and wandered around. I had to ask a cop where I was going because I got a little disoriented. Didnt' have those familiar towers to guide me. I passed a firehouse and looked at the cards, signs and flowers that were still on the sidewalk.

I found Michele's apartment building. It's right on the edge of Gramercy Park. It's fantastic. I'll be coming here a lot.

I have more to write, but I'm tired and I want to go to bed.

The weekend is over too soon.

[musical notes] "I still love you New York" [musical notes]

[sketch of the NYC skyline with the Twin Towers and Statue of Liberty]

I've got a little secret

I'm being intentionally vague.

I didn't expect to have an interest, but now that I do, I can't seem to ignore it.

At first it was...well, not really shocking or unexpected, but unintentional. The reconnection was comfortable and easy. Hours quickly passed before I realized that it was time to go. In one swift action, the balance shifted. After a few days of contemplating it, I realized that yes, this was something that I was curious to pursue.

The next time was even better than before. Again, there was an easy familiarity. Again the time passed too quickly. But unlike before, the end was not shocking, but sweetly anticipated.

The last time... didn't happen. Drama, miscommunication, unexpected visitors. The perfect storm to dampen an otherwise perfect day.

Patiently waiting, but I struggle. Patience is not one of my virtues. I'm about 'now' and 'dive in head first'. Time, distance and bits & bytes all seem to get in the way.

Dammit all to hell!

Photo by Rainbeaux

Today's Horoscope

This is my horoscope for today:

A blast from your past will offer a pleasant and much-needed distraction for you today, and it will inject your life with new energy and new ideas that will reawaken you to a real sense of possibility. This person's stories are just as amusing as ever, and more inspiring than ever. Make sure you get as much time in with this person as possible. They have a lot to teach you, although they might not be comfortable being in teacher mode. You might have to push them to share their knowledge.

I wonder if the universe is off by a day or two?