Soloist

Carolina Ballet

I read a post recently about the pleasures of doing things alone, things most of my friends would never do. Last night I did exactly that.

I was having a day. It was gray, cold and I was feeling pretty blue (which is another post entirely). But I was determined not to sit and mope in my apartment in my pajamas all day. I was invited out to dinner with a good friend, but I wasn't in the mood for being good company. I just wanted to enjoy a solitary moment, but in the company of others.

So I did a search of events in Raleigh and Carmen was being performed by the Carolina Ballet. Perfect.

My last minute decision paid off. I got balcony, first row seats - the most perfect seats, really - for only half price. The show wasn't sold out and the ticket booth woman was very kind.

I can't say that I'm a particular fan of ballet or opera, but I do appreciate the arts and the skill, discipline that goes into it and the beauty that comes out of it. The passion that the dancers (or musicians, actors, painters.... whatever it happens to be) put into their art is so strong and so moving, that it has often brought me to tears.

In the dark, alone, with a few hundred other people, I was memorized by the strength of the people who danced on stage. The principles who made it look so effortless. And I was distracted by the men who has their junk crammed into their tights.

When the show was over and the dancers gave their final bows, I felt satisfied with myself. I was glad that I'm not afraid to explore and be on my own. And I wondered how many things I would have missed if I needed to wait for someone to accompany me on adventures.

The Four Agreements

I just finished reading a new book, "The Four Agreements" by don Miguel Ruiz.

I've been in this self-awareness, soul searching, happiness-finding mode lately and this book was recommended to me.

I love it.

Ruiz, a Mexican shaman of the Toltec wisdom, a way of life that embraces spirit and honors all the spiritual masters who have taught on the earth.

The premise is very Matrix-like: the world we think we live in is a dream built on the rules and opinions of others. Because we only know what is taught to us, these ways of thinking, these 'agreements' have falsely defined us.

But one we learn to shed these false and negative 'agreements' that have wrongly defined us, we can invite new agreements that can lead us to a life of personal freedom.

The four agreements are:

• Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
• Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
• Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
• Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret. 

This has made a tremendous impact on me and how I work through situations that are unpleasant. It's not something you read once and put away, but something I think I will keep coming back to.

Fun at work

Silly posters have been popping up at work. I like these silly little surprises.

A quick update

I've been quiet about how Charles and I are doing. And that's on purpose.

In a word, we're doing ok. Actually, we're doing really well. So I guess that's two words.

He's a bit of a moment of clairity that I had recently that I shared with him:

I've been acting like a know-it-all and haven't been very receptive to others opinions sometimes. But I'm realizing that learning is growing and that's a good thing. I don't want to know it all because that means that I've stopped growing. And I see that there is so much you can show me And I can learn from you.

So, it's an evolving thing. And I'm happy.

Just a grouch

I think I might have a problem. I think I might be an asshole.

Really, I might need to join AA - Assholes Anonymous.

My asshole-ness really comes out at work. Especially during meetings. I can't stand the (completely not funny) banter that happens before the actual meeting begins - even though the meeting started 10 minutes previously.

It's even worse during conference/WebEx calls. Thank god I don't turn my video camera on. Otherwise everyone would see me rolling my eyes from the stupid comments and flipping the bird at the people who haven't prepared for the meeting.

My real pet peeve is people who waste my time. Whether I'm in the middle of developing a project or just surfing on the web, I can't stand it when someone tries to take my time when he/she is not providing any value to me.

Because really, it all comes down to what's in it for me.

I don't know if it's because I'm a yankee who's now in the south and things are just different here. Maybe not because I was just as impatient back in New Jersey.

A second job?

One of the things that keep us (mentally) young is to explore new things.

I explored a chair dancing / pole dancing class.

It was actually a workout class, and damn if I'm not sore. All those squats and hip gyrations and those fireman swings around the pole.

The best part about this class is that it was all women. Real women. With curves.

It was fun to not worry about what you look like or who's looking at you. There weren't even mirrors in the room so you couldn't see if you looked like an idiot.

The class was at a gym in downtown Raleigh. Aradia Fitness has a studio in one of the gym's rooms and from the ceiling are suspended silk ribbons for another class. They also have another location closer to me and I really think that I'll be checking them out for more classes. This was way too fun.

See the video about Aradia Fitness.

The Scrap Exchange

I was in Durham this weekend for the farmer's market and was strolling around when I came upon this ridiculous elephant.

Intrigued, I wandered into the door and found this magical place called The Scrap Exchange.

The Scrap Exchange is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization whose mission is to promote creativity, environmental awareness, and community through reuse.

We collect materials from hundreds of individuals, businesses, industries, and municipal sources and distribute those materials through our retail store in Durham, North Carolina as well as through workshops, parties, and outreach events across the Southeast.

This was such a fun place to explore. There were giant blue bins of...stuff, or crap, depending on how you see it.

There were cassette tape holders, wire, bumper stickers, computer keyboards (without the keys), puzzle pieces, plastic things, and other stuff that I really didn't recognize. Then in the back were piles of fabric just waiting to be used in something wonderful.

You could use one of the different sizes of bags and fill it up from the blue bins for a specific dollar amount.

Or you can just purchase things separately. They even have workshops where you can get creative and make stuff from the things you find. That's sounds like a great birthday part to me.

Expressing my creative side

Last night my alum group went to a local paint studio for a painting lesson. Well, it was more of an evening of copying what the instructor was doing, while drinking wine, eating cheese and cookies and doing a lot of laughing.

I started by painting the sky. The original had a vertical streaky sky and looking at it now, I don't really like it. If I could do it over I wouldn't make it streaky.

The grass was done in the same fashion as the sky. I cheated and flipped my canvas upside down to paint the grass.

Then I added in white gloppy things to indicate where my poppies were going to be. And to make a base to allow the colors to pop better against the grass.

There are a few colors I missed taking a picture of, but on the poppies are washes of yellow, orange and red.

Finished off the poppies with brown and purple centers and some white and blue swirlies just for visual interest.

I added in some leaves, clouds and voila! The finished, and signed, project.

Everyone with their masterpieces.

Need a getaway

Ever feel like you need a time-out? A break away from life just to breathe in nature and recharge your batteries?

But where to go? Beach or mountains?

Must-haves for the Bachelor Finale

Rum-infused chocolate cupcakes

Prosecco

Daytona Bike Week

The School of Essential Ingredients

Cover of The School of Essential Ingredients

What did she do that made her happy? The question implied action, a conscious purpose. She did many things in a day, and many things that made her happy, but that Clare could tell, wasn't the issue. Nor the only one, Clare realized. Because in order to consciously do something that made you happy, you'd have to know who you were. Trying to figure that out these days was like fishing on a lake on a moonless night -- you had no idea what you would get.

"The School of Essential Ingredients", Erica Bauermeister

I just finished the book "The Happiness Project". I liked it so much that I bought a paperback copy for myself last night. But Charles has it right now. I let him borrow it because he was interested in it after I described it to him.

So now I'm reading a new book, "The School of Essential Ingredients" by Erica Bauermeister. I'm only 35 pages in, but it reminds me of "Chocolat" and "Like Water for Chocolate"where the food takes on magical qualities. So far, so good.

But I was especially taken aback by the paragraph above about happiness. It seems to be a recurring theme for me lately, and something that I've been taken much more to heart.

Finding happiness is an action. And something that requires constant thought. Because when you get complacent, and just 'go with the flow', you risk the chance of letting it go or taking it for granted. You need to constantly ask yourself, or remind yourself, 'what makes you happy?' and do it.  Self-sacrifice and giving into the whims of other people, if that takes you away from what truly makes you happy, will ultimately break you.

I don't want to be broken. I'm just starting to enjoy how I put myself back together. I've gotten to know myself again and I'm ready to let the world know.

But I'll start with one man.

A good morning

I know, I haven't posted anything about bike week yet. Get over it. A video is coming.

But today I had a date. A breakfast date.

We met at Panera an hour before I had to go to work for coffee and quiches. It was fun, and light and there were a lot of smiles.

And it was good.

Three second decision

Friday. 4:00 pm. The phone rings.

It's Charles.

"Hello?"

"You haven't checked your email!"

"um..."

"I'm about to ride into Daytona. You need to get on a plane and come down here."

Three second pause...

"Ok. Let me check Expedia and call you back."

"Pack light."

With barely hesitation, I was looking for flights to get me from Raleigh to Daytona that night. Because he called me and wanted me to be there. And there was nowhere else that I would rather be.

I know the things I said and the things he said. And I haven't changed my mind about how I want to spend my time doing things that I enjoy.

But in those three seconds it took me to decide I knew that we would have fun, it would be an adventure and it would make me happy. Which are generally the requirements for most crazy-ass shit that I do.

So after some searching, I booked myself on a flight the next day. I'd be in Daytona Saturday afternoon. Just 24 hours from then.

It would be either a really good decision, or a really bad decision. There would be no in between.

Surprise weekend

What did you do this weekend?

Me, I went to Daytona for Bike Week. To meet up with Charles. And it was awesome!

 

More to come, I promise!

Dolphin smiles

I have a tattoo. Its of a dolphin.

I got it in college for two reasons. First is that my big sister has a dolphin tattoo and her big sister has a dolphin tattoo. (My little sister's little sister has one, too.) But I wasn't just being a follower.

The second reason that I got a dolphin tattoo is that I actually like dolphins.

In school, I took up the mantra, "live like a dolphin and always wear a smile." I think it worked because I had a pretty good and pretty positive college experience.

I think its time for me to bring that mantra back. As part of this happiness project, I need to remind myself that smiles are contagious. And even though I can be thinking I want to pummel you in the head with my bare fists, if I just smile at you, the fury may just subside.

Gal Pal Auction

Emcee at the Gal Pal Auction

Last night I went with my friend Lori to a Gal Pal auction to benefit the Dress for Success organization. Their mission is:

is to promote the economic independence of disadvantaged women by providing professional attire, a network of support and the career development tools to help women thrive in work and in life.

There were plenty of goods and services available for the silent auction and some really awesome things available for the live auction. Lori scored a week at a vacation home in the outer banks for $900.

As I looked around this room full of women, it struck me again how when we band together, we can accomplish great things.

The last auction item of the night was a pair of tickets to see Diana Ross at the Durham Performing Arts Center; orchestra center. But before the bidding started, everyone had to get in the Diana Ross vibe.

My venn diagram

I have quite an interesting group of women who are a part of my life here in North Carolina. I have four distinct groups of friends. At least, there will be four once softball season begins.

Batter up

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

I just signed up for a recreational softball league and I am so excited. I haven't played in years. Damn, it's been almost ten years.

I miss the smell of the grass and taste of grit in my mouth after I slid into third base. I miss the sweat and the grass stain on my pants and the ice cream (in high school) or the beers (at work) the team would get after a game.

I miss the feeling of being part of a team. Cheering for someone up at bat or trying to psyche out the pitcher. Of the inside-out rally caps or the silly superstitions we had to follow in order to win a game.

I miss the singing on the bus on the way to games and dumping the water cooler over our coach when we won.

I miss how my thighs used to look when I was 17 years old. Crap.

An apology

I was inspired by my friend who apologized to her boyfriend's mother. Not because she felt she did anything wrong, but because she hurt the woman's feelings. And that is reason enough.

I never thought about it that way before.

And I thought of Charles.

I'm not sorry with the choices I made and the life I made for myself. I'm also not sorry for contacting Charles again and for trying to bring him back into my life -- to whatever degree. And I'm definitely not sorry for wanting to maintain the level of activity that makes me happy.

But I am sorry that I hurt his feelings. Regardless of what didn't match with us, he is a kind man with a generous heart and that's what made me fall in love with him.

And I let him know.

Glass box

I wish my cube at work had a ceiling. And doors. So I could close out the nonsense that surrounds me. My headphones can only go so loud.

I'm tempted to put up a sign like in this post.

Double blue and gold

I am a sorority girl. An unrefined, unapologetic, proud, involved sorority girl. I think that is what saved me when I found myself lost and alone in North Carolina.

I have always said that everything I learned to make it in the real world I learned from being in a sorority. And not just being in one, where you might imagine consisted of parading around campus in letters, flash mobbing a fraternity party or yelling like silly girls every time 'our song' came on the bar jukebox. (Well, I did that.) I also was a leader in one. Still am. As an undergrad, I was chapter president and house manager. I had a job to do and I had to do it well in order for my chapter to be successful.

So almost twenty years after my initiation, when I have to deal with a tense situation, or manage different projects, introduce myself to a group of strangers or turn a basement into a classy party area, I don't turn to what I learned in Accounting 101 or my Ethics in Media class. I turn to what I learned from being a sorority girl.

Fast forward 8 months since I became a North Carolinian and I find myself sitting on a couch with sisters, who had previously not known each other, sipping wine, sharing stories and curled up in our comfy clothes watching The Bachelor on a Monday night. And its as if I'm 19 years old again, hanging with my sisters in the lounge of my chapter house.


What is it about being in the company of like-minded women who can make you feel so good about yourself? We come from different backgrounds, but because of our sorority, we know that there are some basic principles that bind us together. And they're also some pretty kick-ass women, too.

I am very fortunate to have signed my bid 19 years ago. And to be exactly where I am right now.

Breakfast

I woke up this morning, made some breakfast (swiss cheese omelet with salsa, toast and coffee) and ate it on my patio.

It was a perfect morning. Cool enough to wear a sweatshirt and shorts, but with the promise of getting warmer later.

Barry kept me company as we watched the day wake up. I saw a cardinal flip about from branch to branch. I heard other birds say hello. The train whistled in the distance and Barry kept a very close eye on the squirrels.

It was one of those moments where I was keenly aware of my surroundings, who I was and what it took to get me here. And I liked it.

It had the makings of a very good day.

A walk in the park

I love that I have nearby access to wonderful parks. So many trails for Barry and I to explore and pine cones to stomp on. There's nothing quite as satisfying to me as to hear their crunch under my feet.

The Happiness Project

I am reading a book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. She also has an accompanying blog.

In it she chronicles a year-long project where she tries to bring more happiness into her life by test-driving the wisdom of the ages, current scientific studies, and lessons from popular culture about how to be happier. This is not to say that she was unhappy in her life.

In it I've found some pearls of wisdom that got me thinking.

Research shows that regularly having fun is a key factor in having a happy life; people who have fun are twenty times as likely to feel happy.

Having fun is one of the things that Charles accused me of. Of always wanting to have fun. As ridiculous as I thought it was when he texted that to me, I think its absolutely absurd now.

Now, I'm not bringing this up to place blame on Charles. I forgive him, I'm not angry at him and even though now I see that we are not a long-term match, there are qualities of his that I will miss very much.

But I believe that when an opportunity is there to have fun, to appreciate the lightness and joy that an activity can bring, that you need to take full advantage of it. Because when you're faced with something heavy and definitely not fun, you're going to need those happy reserves to get you through.

I had my share of non-fun times with Charles. I thought that in order to restore the balance, we needed a lot of catching up to do on fun. At least I did. I don't have control over what he feels or what he does; I can only control me.

I am sorry that we didn't get that chance. He also accused me of wanting to be friends. Again, I don't understand that argument. But I told him, "isn't that where we need to begin?"

So on this gorgeous, 80F, sunny, North Carolina day, I can enjoy the simplicity -- the fun -- of sitting on my porch drinking a beer, watching my dog lounge in the grass as I read my book.

And smile.

Boyfriend job description

On a bulletin board in my bedroom is a collection of things that make me smile. Cards from my mom, photos, ticket stubs of concerts, colorful scraps of paper. Today I noticed something that I remember Charles looking at when he was here last. I don't know if he actually read it.

I wrote that as a reminder to myself of who I was looking for in a partner. I had written it maybe 4 years ago after a heart break. As I was cleaning today, my eye came to it. I am pleased that my boyfriend job description still holds true today.

Today's Horoscope

Don't cave into temptation, even if it's an old flame. You're all about safety for now, so keep your feelings to yourself. Ancient emotions might bring you back to a toxic relationship. You're apart for a reason!

Duuuude. Spooky.

The end

I thought we were on our way to being friends. Friends with potential.

Him: So how do you like being friends?
Me: I like it.
Him: I have a question, as we are being friends, if someone asks you out on a date, what would you do?
Me: We're on the same thought pattern. I have no interest in dating anyone else.

Dating. That's what I said. That's what I presumed that this was something Charles and I were doing.

Now, how do you define that term? Because I don't think that my definition was matching what his was. To me, when you're dating, you arrange a time to be together. To share a common interest, moment, activity or just share the same space with the goal of learning more about each other. To decide if dating will lead to something further.

I don't think I understood what his definition was. He told me he was cautious with me and wasn't sure what my intentions were for contacting me again.

So these last two weeks were interesting. We had been apart longer than we had even known each other. And in that time I had built the life I was wanting: friends, activity, involvement in something that I believe in. I always believed that I couldn't really give love to someone else until I was truly happy with myself. I thought that my lack of assuredness of what role I was to play in my own life when I first moved here attributed to the deterioration of my relationship with Charles. That, among other things.

So here I am now. Excited because I found my place and I was ready to share that excitement with someone. I wasn't looking to have someone to complete me, but to compliment me.

I don't think Charles was that excited about my new life and time I placed on maintaining my friendships and involvement in things that were important to me. In the two weeks that we had been in contact, I had a massage appointment, a overnight sorority training conference in Charlotte, a Bon Jovi concert (that I invited Charles to), and 2 nights with friends for dinner. These are things that I had planned before Charles came into the picture.

Thursday afternoon I was out with Charles on a quick shopping trip. I was driving because he said he had a headache. I had dinner plans with friends that night and he had a meeting so I knew we only had a few hours before we had other things to do. We had planned for him to come over after his meeting and after my dinner. But by the time our shopping trip was over, he was coming on with a full-grain migraine and went home to lay on the couch. He might skip his meeting because he wasn't feeling well. I told him that if he wasn't feeling well he didn't have to come over. I didn't want him to be bothered by the dog or by me annoying him. So I got him a blanket, kissed him goodbye and left.

He sent me a text at 6:00:

I'm going to turn off the cell for peace. No worries. Talk with you tomorrow. Have fun with your friends. 'night.

At 6:30, I get this:

I don't think you and I are on the same page with a relationship. We should be email or text friends.

Um. Huh?

Which then launched this text conversation/rant...

I'm horrible and cold because I left him without caring how he felt just so I could go and have fun. Nevermind that he never actually told me that he wanted me to stay there. Because I had left my mind-reading hat at home.

The text conversation continued into Friday. Even though I told him that texting was silly, could he just pick up the phone when I called or let me come over. I asked how he was feeling, if there was anything I could do, if he wanted company. No.

So at 6:30 again, I get a text.

What are you doing?

I was actually just running out to sign up for a town softball league. I had learned about it at dinner with friends and I was so excited! I was just going to sign the roster, pay my dues and leave.

That started it all over again. (over text)

His claim that in this time I had put stuff before him. With him, he would make himself available to show that he cared but with all the stuff I was doing, it was obvious to him that I just didn't care enough about him. So I can just go and do what makes me happy and play my silly games and he can go back to being with his real friends.

Me: This is silly and unfair. I have made friends and a place for myself here. I would like to share that with you. I'm not playing games with you. I want to bring you into my life, not have you be the reason for living.

Caring about you and wanting to be with you does not have to be at the expense of having friends and doing things that I enjoy.

I said, "let's date. Let's take it slow." Not, "let's spend 24/7 together." I guess we weren't communicating again.

And you know what? I'm not sad, or angry. I see now that staying with him 6 months ago would not have changed anything. We would have still wound up at the same place. And now I know that what he's looking for is not what I have to offer. And I'm ok with that.

I'm not apologizing for the life I want to lead, and that may be part of whatever issue he has with me. But does that mean that I'm sabotaging myself?

When I'm at a loss I turn to horoscopes. I'm a Gemini.

Gemini changes her partners the way she changes moods. She's looking for love, but not at the expense of freedom. She believes that somewhere in this world there's a man who's her intellectual equal, capable of responding to her bewildering changes of mood and prepared to let her live her own life. Not surprisingly, she seldom locates him...nothing quite matters quite so much to single Gemini as her precious freedom to do and think as she pleases.

Then I looked at the compatibility guide with Scorpio.

Though you are very drawn to each other, this could be a very dangerous and destructive union. You are likely to bring out the negative side in each other''s nature. Sexually, you'll be immediately attracted to a Scorpio man and he be attracted to you...He won't have much use for your escapism or dreaming. He will always be bringing you down to earth with a bump...He does like his comforts though and in marriage, he may desire a woman who is prepared to stay in the background and look after him...If you can take the rough with the smooth, you could survive together. One thing is certain, you won't have much time for your own interests. It's unlikely you'll be able to continue with your career if you marry him. So if freedom is important to you, beware of settling down with a Scorpio.

Wow.

But I'm not writing this just to give the story of Charles and I an ending. I'm writing to get some objective feedback. Am I missing something here? Have I been so involved in me that I'm ignoring something obvious?

Please tell me your thoughts. I need an outside perspective.

My original Jersey Boy

I went to my first concert the summer before I entered high school. It was Bon Jovi during the Slippery When Wet tour.

Shelly, my best friend, and I went with her aunts to the Meadowlands to see our local Jersey boys (this was way before I was obsessed with Bruce Springsteen, the real Jersey boy).

Our seats were awful. They were completely opposite of the stage at the very top of the stadium. You could hardly see Jon and the boys on stage as they were specks bathed in light. And we were probably getting a second-hand high from all the pot smoke that wafted to the highest parts of the arena.

But for us, it was magic. Because when Jon and Richie sang, they were singing to us. When Jon was strapped in that harness and flew over the audience, he was on his way to see us. And when they left the stage before the encore, it was only our clapping and cheering that would bring the band back on stage.

Now, almost 25 years later I found myself at a Bon Jovi concert Monday night. I wasn't in the Meadowlands this time, but I still felt at home in Raleigh because my original Jersey boys had come to town.

It was a greatest hits tour so I was transported back to my 14 year old life, cheering and knowing that when Jon was singing
Take my hand and well make it - I swear
Livin on a prayer

He was singing only to me.

Today's Horoscope

Follow-through isn't just for golf. But you knew that already, at least when it comes to work. You might find that follow-through makes all the difference in love too. There's certainly not a whole lot of resistance on their part (they might even be downright into you). So make sure to let them know you're still interested, and you could see a whole lot change. You might not even need to say anything -- sometimes you'll find that a single, powerful stroke is the best follow-through out there.

One week. Well, six months and one week. That's what it took to be able to see what this friendship/relationship with Charles could actually be. Its a good start.

"Friends with benefits? That's not what I want."

"Me neither," I replied. "That would just cheapen everything we had together before that was good. But I prefer friends with potential."

I borrowed that line from Say Anything, one of my all-time favorite movies.


I received a comment from a very dear friend (hey, Steve!) that maybe this story isn't just mine to tell, and I think he's right. So I'll end the details here.

But know that my eyes are more open and I'm still as stubborn as ever. You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take the Jersey out of the girl.

Figuring this out

"I would have brought flowers, but I thought you'd like ice cream better."

He knows the way to my heart is through my stomach.

The Sixth Sense

I see people. They don't know they're dead.

You know in The Sixth Sense when the ending is revealed and Bruce Willis learns that he's dead and suddenly you can see the entire move from a different point of view?

Him: Meet me at 42nd Street Oyster Bar at 6:30.

I was sitting at the bar, drinking a glass of wine as I waited.

Him: where r u?
Me: I'm the cute girl at the bar

I watched him walk over to me in his motorcycle jacket, smile on his face and sparkle in his eye.

"You look really pretty. Shall we go get our table?"

We had dinner here several times. Before.

We talked about our day, laughing and joking. I helped him retrieve a lost contact lens hiding in his eyelid. It was fun, and light.

But then we got to talking about the day I left.

"You came in so angry with your mind already set. You looked at me hard and cold and said 'What do you have to say to me?' and tore around grabbing your stuff and slamming the door. If you had just stopped to let me talk, I would have said that I thought we just needed a break while I sorted the mess of my life out. Not break up."

Oh. My. God.

And suddenly everything I thought was true was just flipped over, upside down, sitting in a ditch on the side of the road.

Yes, I went to his house with a 'fuck you' look in my eye. I was guarded and vicious and I wanted to get my things and get out before he saw me completely break down.

"You didn't even cry. You were just a cold-hearted bitch (I'm sorry, this sounds harsh, but this is what I thought then) who didn't even give me a chance."

My eyes widened with this new realization and they started to fill with tears. I saw the last six months through his eyes. It was bad.

"I just learned something new today. I had no idea. I was so angry and so hurt. And now I feel so small and incredibly stupid", I gulped out.

"If I didn't know you, I'd think you were lying."

So there it was. All this time I thought he was getting rid of me. And all this time he thought I left him behind.

Later that night I was on the phone with him. He told me, "I remember you said that it was easier for you to communicate with words than with your voice. So write me an email."

I don't even know how to start.

All this time I saw only what I thought was the truth, but it turns out I was blinded by some stupid sense of pride.

When you told me about [the ex-wife's] demands I was furious! I understand when you said that you weren't going to take any chances with your kids. I never doubted that. But it didn't stop me from feeling any less rejected.Then I thought of other things you said in passing "I could never understand anyone who doesn't pray", "I don't have a dance partner", and I wondered if you were also using this as the way for you to get me out, not only of your house, but of your life. Because maybe you were starting to see that I wasn't the one you were looking for.

When you moved me into my apartment, I was hurting. I know you were helping me, but it also felt like you were getting rid of me. After you left, I sat on the floor and sobbed because I felt so completely alone. I left you the key to my apartment. I tried to invite you to come swimming, or to even help me break in my new bed, but your denials felt like a brush off. So when not even a week had passed and you sent me the text 'we have to talk' I thought it was just the final blow. I went to your house expecting the worst.

As I walked up to the front door I saw your wooden box, the one where we kept all our sex stuff, drying out on the stairs. I saw that as your way of clearing out the garbage because you saw that we didn't need that anymore. I knocked and didn't get any answer. I didn't want to use my key because I was already now feeling like a trespasser. Instead I went to the garage and loaded my things into the car.

When you finally opened the door for me I felt a chill from you. You went back into your room to put on some pants, and closed the door behind you. Like I was a stranger. That was when my guard came up, I put on my tough act and thought that if you didn't want me anymore, then I wasnt going be a fool and beg you to not to let me go. That's when I said to you, 'what is it that you want to tell me?' Because I wanted you to just come out and say it. You didn't want me. Instead you said 'you know we haven't been getting along these last few weeks..."

Are you kidding me?! In my head I was screaming, "I'm being forced to leave my home with you, I've had to adjust to a new life, in a new state, with a man who I was still getting to know, trying to figure out how to be a couple, a cook, a parent. I was without my family, barely any friends. I was fucking stressed!! I didn't know what I was doing and I obviously wasn't doing all that great a job." But in that moment all I could think was "it doesn't matter. Save yourself. Just go."

But all you saw was that emotional wall and you kept your distance. And all I saw was you keeping your distance because you were done with me. And that is where we unraveled.

In my heartbroken insanity, when you said it was both you and Chrissy that wanted me to move out, I thought that you had come up with this plan together to help you remove me from your life. And that was why I thought you were a coward.

So six months go by and all this time you're thinking I'm a cold-hearted bitch that took any excuse to run, and to me you were that asshole who hatched a plan with his ex-wife to get rid of me.

If only I hadn't moved right in with you, how could things have been different? I could have been able to become my own person down here and create my new circle of friends and found things that were important for me to be involved in without having to be so dependent on you. I think I asked a lot of you at a time when you were already stretched between work, kids, Grandma and your mom. I don't think I made things any easier for you as being someone else who needed something from you. If we had a chance to get to know each other, to date each other -- not from the two extremes of going 500 miles apart to being 5 feet apart. If we had that chance, I might be rolling over to kiss you good night instead of sending you an email.

And that is my biggest regret.

I got back in touch with you not because I wanted to get back together, because remember, in my mind you didn't want me. I contacted you because I wanted us to be friends. I loved you too much to let you remain a stranger to me. But now I know the huge, stupid mistake I made by putting up that emotional wall and making assumptions and exactly what that cost me. And it sucks. And I am so sorry.

-C

My life is a Taylor Swift song

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life, tell me how's your family
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses and I left them there to die
But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

Do I get royalties everytime this is used?

The Official WTF?!? Face ©

A new chapter

Him: Hey,what are you doing this evening? I have to be in Raleigh by 7 and done there by 9, want to hang out?

I think it's safe to say that we're on our way to becoming friends.

My "I am loving my life despite the crap we went through" email didn't derail the friendship process. In fact I think it opened the doors to be able to talk calmly and openly about the shit that went down.

Him: I thought we would work past this and keep seeing each other. Nope, it didn't work out that way. I felt confused and angry because you dropped me, however I do understand that you felt the same way. And I do care about you, and yes I love you.

My evening started with a great massage at a little hole-in-the-wall spa in town. Faith, my masseuse was awesome. She worked out my knots between my shoulder blades, loosened my hamstrings and hips and the scalp massage turned me into butter.

"Be careful driving home," she warned. She wasn't kidding. I was so relaxed, so fuzzy, so chill. I needed a shower to wash off the yummy smelling oils and it was already after 8pm. I texted Charles that I was way too relaxed to leave my house so he'd have to come over if he wanted to hang.

In my head, I was planning the first thing I would say to break the ice. "Wanna just have sex to get that tension out of the way?"

Turns out I didn't need so say that because when he showed up, there wasn't any tension. Except when he said how fat Barry got. I told Barry to bite him again.

You know what? Him being in my apartment, surrounded by my things, sitting on my couch was pretty cool.

"It probably wasn't a good idea for me to move in with you when I came down," I started with. "That was way too much change to get used to."

He thought for a second. "We made the best decision we could with the information we had available to us."

We had a good talk. It wasn't all that deep or accusatory. It was like dissecting a movie that we just saw in the theater. Almost as if it wasn't our own lives we were talking about.

"If you had one last thing to say to me, what would it be?"

I thought about it for a second. "I have to thank you for getting me here. I came for you, but I stayed for me. I like it here. I think its where I needed to be."

"Yeah, I think everything happens for a reason. But come on, you're smart. I know you had a plan up your sleeve even before you sold your house. " Sometimes he's more insightful than I give him credit for.

"How about you? What have you been waiting six months to tell me?"

"Hmm. I'm gonna need more time to think about this."

After about 10 minutes passed I asked again.

"I'm really sorry about the way we broke up. We were both so angry and you tore out of the driveway. I didn't expect to hear from you ever again. Then you called me a coward..."

"Yeah. I didn't expect that to happen. I thought when I moved out that it would actually be better. But then I got your 'we have to talk' text and I thought 'fuuuuuck'. I knew."

We hung out on the couch, filling each other in on the last six months. He could hardly believe that it had been that long. "Yes, it's six months. I just signed a new lease."

"Can friends hug", he asked me.

Yes, apparently we can.

I laid in his arms on the couch for a long time. It was comfortable. But you know what? It was just a hug. I didn't feel the urge to rip off his pants and pull him into my bedroom. I was happy to just lay there for a little while, and when he left, that was fine. It was what I wanted.

And that's a good thing.

Valentine's Night

The rest of my afternoon at work after being dropped off by Charles was as productive as the hours at work I wasted in anticipation of him coming to pick me up. I did some little stuff here and there, but the majority of my time was spent thinking "now what?"

At least I had plans today. I was meeting Kelly after work for a few drinks. I got there first and ordered a Blue Moon to keep me company.

"Hey, how was your valentine's day?"

I filled her in on my last 24 hours.

"Well, that was I story I never expected to hear."

Two beers later, I collected my liquid courage and texted Charles that I wanted to come over. Right now.

Unfortunately his 13 year old daughter was home, and while any other time he'd say yes emphatically, he really didn't want to have to go into explanations with her. But he sensed that there was something on my mind that I was holding back.

You are not really saying much to me, not opening up or talking. So why do you try that now? Hell, you may feel better.

Ok. He asked for it...

Ok, here it goes.

I wanted to rip your shirt off and crawl into your arms and just pretend that the last six months never happened. I was reacquainted with the blue of your eyes and the strength of your hand as you grabbed my thigh and as I had you between my legs, I just shut my eyes and breathed you in deeply.

I had butterflies as you drove up. Even as I heard the roar of your engine, my heart flopped over. And you were damn sexy driving up all bad-ass.

I am not angry with you. Not at all.

But in this time that I've had to find my way on my own, I have been more happy and adventurous than I'd been when we were playing house.

I do want to know why I was asked to leave. But not tonight. I want you to know that when I asked you 'who asked me to leave, you or Chrissy?' and you answered 'both', that you might as well had punched me in my stomach.

I honestly don't know what happened. But I do know that whatever it was about me that made you want out, that's still there in me. It hasn't changed. In fact, I'm MORE me than I was before. Now I don't have to worry about the role I have to play while living in your house. I have my own place, with my own dog, making my own friends, living my own life and loving every part of it.

Charles, you turned my insides to mush when you told me you still love me. Because there is a part of me that loves you too.

I don't want to forget you or the intense time we had together. I loved you. It was real. I was your girl.

And I honestly mean it that I would like us to be friends. But that's where it needs to begin. As much as my body would like to jump right in where we left off, my heart wont let me. I have to be able to trust you again, and honestly that may take a long time.

All I know is that I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am, where I am, what I do and the people that I surround myself with. It would be nice if you had a place in my life as well. I would like us to get to know each other again, at a more normal pace. Not the insane timeline we had going.

Is that what you had in mind?
-c

This has been the longest 12 hours waiting for a reply.