Tuesday, September 23, 2008


I am a cyclical person. For all things, relationships, career, interests, I seem to revolve around four different states.

This is the first stage, when everything is brand new and open to such amazing opportunities. I throw myself into whatever it is and want to learn everything about it. How it works, how I can manipulate it, how I can make it my own. Then the newness wears off and the rose-colored glasses come off.

I start to notice the flaws. I start to question why. I look for ways to 'fix things' and make it as I think it should be. I slow my pace and do more observing than jumping right in.

This is the beginning of the end. I see diminished value in what was previously supposed to guide me. And once the perceived value fades, so does the level of respect it once had. What I used to find charming and quirky I now find annoying and lowly. The wrong look, the wrong movement, the wrong breath will make me want to grind my teeth and pull out my hair. Something has to give.

I stop caring and withdraw myself all together. Everything that made me cringe is now just something to be ignored, or at the very most endured. Change is inevitable, but the question is do I create that change, or is it forced upon me?

Right now, I am coming into the Cynicism stage. I know what comes next. I'm not looking forward to it. 

1 comment:

  1. i think it's a good thing that you know the stages and i think it means you're one for constant growth and change. hug!