Monday, December 20, 2004

Blue Christmas

Christmas is only 5 days away, and although I'm trying to get into the spirit of the holiday, I'm just not into it.

I wouldn't call it a depression, or even a 'funk'. Just a sense that something is missing. The magic I remember as a child, when I swore that I had heard Santa Claus and his reindeer on the roof, has faded away, and I desperately want to have that feeling back. I'm sad because I mourn for the excitement of Christmas morning (no pun intended) and the rushing downstairs to see what Santa left.

There isn't much that I really need to ask for. I have a great family who I enjoy spending time with. I've been fortunate enough to be self-sufficient and provide for my own home. I am relatively healthy - except for those few pounds that like to stay around.

I think what really has me down is that I look around at the things that I've accumulated over the span of 30 years, the family that will love me no matter what, and yet I still feel alone. Where's the boyfriend you ask? Well, that's a damn good question.

The seperation is growing between us. He's been at his mother's place while he begins to sort his life out. He's job hunting and soul searching - and I am fully supportive of that. I think it's about time that he's taken this step for himself. It should have been done over a year ago. But in that year that he wasted finding a place for himself, I've been excelling. Now I feel that the seperation, much more than physical distance, is now too wide to bridge.

What makes this all so frustrating to me is that I know he's trying, so I don't want to be yet another person in his life who's given up on him. He does a good enough job of giving up on himself. But I'm not happy in this relationship - I can hardly call it that anymore. It's not the person he is - because I love that person, but is the way he views himself and his worthiness that puts the strain on me. I want an equal partner. I want to be challenged and encouraged. I want to explore the world around me and I want to do it with someone who is not afraid of taking chances. With Jim, I have my doubts.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous5:00 PM

    You're not responsible for his happiness. He has to figure out that he can't give up on himself, not you. Which doesn't mean that things have to end. It just means you can set down that burden you took on, and enjoy him for where he's at. Sorry I didn't call you yesterday - got home too late to ring you up. I'll call tonight - skim