Blue Christmas

Christmas is only 5 days away, and although I'm trying to get into the spirit of the holiday, I'm just not into it.

I wouldn't call it a depression, or even a 'funk'. Just a sense that something is missing. The magic I remember as a child, when I swore that I had heard Santa Claus and his reindeer on the roof, has faded away, and I desperately want to have that feeling back. I'm sad because I mourn for the excitement of Christmas morning (no pun intended) and the rushing downstairs to see what Santa left.

There isn't much that I really need to ask for. I have a great family who I enjoy spending time with. I've been fortunate enough to be self-sufficient and provide for my own home. I am relatively healthy - except for those few pounds that like to stay around.

I think what really has me down is that I look around at the things that I've accumulated over the span of 30 years, the family that will love me no matter what, and yet I still feel alone. Where's the boyfriend you ask? Well, that's a damn good question.

The seperation is growing between us. He's been at his mother's place while he begins to sort his life out. He's job hunting and soul searching - and I am fully supportive of that. I think it's about time that he's taken this step for himself. It should have been done over a year ago. But in that year that he wasted finding a place for himself, I've been excelling. Now I feel that the seperation, much more than physical distance, is now too wide to bridge.

What makes this all so frustrating to me is that I know he's trying, so I don't want to be yet another person in his life who's given up on him. He does a good enough job of giving up on himself. But I'm not happy in this relationship - I can hardly call it that anymore. It's not the person he is - because I love that person, but is the way he views himself and his worthiness that puts the strain on me. I want an equal partner. I want to be challenged and encouraged. I want to explore the world around me and I want to do it with someone who is not afraid of taking chances. With Jim, I have my doubts.