Setting myself free

I've been feeling this emptiness in me. It's nothing new, I think it may be cyclical. But this longing for something is back.

In the past I thought it meant that it was a signal for changes to come. That I had to do something different, or try something new, or travel someplace exciting to fill the void in me. This time I'm not sure exactly what it means.

I don't feel like running away, and I don't feel like retail therapy because I already know that's not going to make me feel better. And I can't even say that a perfect relationship will be the solution.

I was in B&N, roaming the aisles like I normally do when I feel my soul is lost and I found this book, Ten Poems to Set You Free. In the book jacket I read this:

Ten Poems to Set You Free inspires you to claim the life that is truly yours. In today's world it is deceptively easy to lose sight of our direction and the things that matter and give us joy. How quickly the days can slip by, the years all gone, and we, at the end of our lives, mourning the life we dreamed of but never lived.

I read that and thought YES! That's it! I feel like I've lost direction, the reason for looking for the joy. And I want it back.

The poems in the book speak to me. And the author's interpretation of the meaning of the poems are like constant ah-ha moments for me.

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?
(Mary Oliver, 'Have You Ever Tried To Enter The Long Black Branches?')

That one line is like a slap in the face.


But I think this time, for now at least, I need to just absorb myself in this feeling. To not try and fix it, but let it surround me and envelop me. And maybe I'll find the secret of my soul. And it will tell me what I need to do to find the joy.