push and pull

At what point do you just resign yourself to believing that there's nothing more you can do and just call it quits?

For almost a year I have found myself to falling more in love with a person than I had been in a long time. And in loving that person, I have grown to love his son, his sister his parents... I have found a pair of arms that I fit in so comfortably and and ease in my manner that I forgot I even had.

However, I have also overlooked the material things that he didn't have - things that have been engraved in my being that is required for a suitable mate to possess - a home of his own, a proper education, a good job, a salary to live on. True, if I had relied on the criteria of a worthy man, I would have missed out on Jim and his tender and decent heart.

Maybe I thought I could save him. That I could show him that you don't have to settle for the things that are given to you in life, that it was possible to go out and get the things you want. I teach my lessons by example, not lecture.

When I reach out my hand to him, I no longer feel him being pulled out of his hole but I feel me being dragged down into it. I don't feel the equal give and take of a relationship anymore. I am doing it all and I'm running out of myself to give.

dust off the passport again

'm just sitting here watching the wheels turn round and round...

I leave for my vacation Saturday night. My mom and I are going to London and Paris for a week. I am so ready to get the hell out of here. I'm restless and need to get away from job, boys, and monotony.

I will load up on film - both 33mm and video. I will be annoying tourist with all kinds of gadgets wrapped around my neck. I will be in my haven of exploring new things.

I won't even think about having to come back home again.

Pound My Skull

I hate everything today: the stupid Excel worksheet I was trying to figure out, the stupid requests that my clients were asking of me, the stupid questions my boss was asking me.

I could blame it on PMS today, but what would be my excuse for all of the other days of the year?